Talkin' Baseball

Here's my first guest submission from local curmudgeon Tom Sealey!

"Hey, aren't you Wade Boggs?"
"Goddamn right I am.  Five-time batting champion."
"What are you doing here?"
"Clam cakes, son!  Clam cakes!"
"Oh...  So did you hear the Pawsox are moving to Providence?"
"Bout time.  Pawtucket is a pit.  Ugly as sin. Ugly houses, ugly streets.  Can't walk five feet without stepping on an empty Dunkin Donuts cup. Hell, if Joe Torre were a city, he'd be Pawtucket."
"You think Providence is a better choice?"
"Well, at least in Providence you have a chance of a view.  McCoy stadium, you hit a homerun you get to see sail into a street with triple decker shithouses and a tractor trailer parking lot.  Why do you think I never hit homeruns?  Fuckin' view is pitiful.  Fuck, in Providence, when they light the river on fire at least it's a choice, not like Pawtucket."
"The river in Pawtucket has never caught on fire.  Are sure your aren't thinking of Cleveland?"
"Cleveland, Pawtucket...they're both uglier than Joe Torre's mother's asshole."
"Umm, don't you have any attachment to McCoy Stadium?"
"Attachment?   Do I look like Ken Burns to you?  Nostalgia is for assholes.  McCoy was just a pitstop.  Like Joe Torre when he looks in the mirror.  Wants to get away from it as soon as possible."
"What do have against Joe Torre?  I mean, I might be wrong, but that horse over there looks suspiciously like the police horse you rode after you won the World Series with the Joe Torre coached Yankees."
"You mean Lulu?  Sure is the same horse.  I got nothin' against Torre.  He's just ugly.  Bit of a crybaby too.  Say, do you have any beer or fried chicken?"
"Sorry, no."
"Well, I'm outta here.  Me and Jim Rice are going to TP Buckner's house.  Come on Lulu, lets get a move on."


Tom Sealey said...

"Local curmudgeon?" I resent the fact that you think I am only local. Thank you for posting my submission.

Aron Dawson said...

No, I am not Wade Boggs. Thanks for your post.

Jason said...

Really funny post ha, thanks.

lucas neil said...

This is such a great and funny post . ı enjoy while reading as a baseball addict . Thanks for sharing