Clement had surgery?

Clement had surgery? On what? Man, I am out of it.

In other news, Mister Assistant Trainer
Chris Correnti
was dismissed and no further information is available. This is a surprise to me and I'm sure people like Nixon and Schilling are not going to be too happy about it.

On the other hand, everybody's favorite sweater-vested leg stretcher is still kicking around. The ladies love you, Jim Rowe.

It would have been a nice night to play baseball.


The Great Petagine

Do you remember Rhode Island Day at Fenway last year? Nah, me neither. Oh, wait... Hey! I was there with sister Lucky! Yes, it's all coming back to me now.

The little yellow anchor was waving proudly as we all saluted Roger Williams and religious freedom and the mighty Narragansett Bay. It was a day game in July, and damned if it wasn't Trading Deadline Day!

Well, we all know what happened that day, don't we? A lot of people were saying, "Oh, the people watching TV at home knew Manny was coming in before the people at the park did." WRONG!! First of all, am I ever at Fenway without binoculars? NO. And from my seat in the bleachers, I could see right into the dugout. Not only that, but this is something a lot of people saw coming very early in the game. I know Lucky and I talked about it. So take your turkey and stuff it.

The night before the game I had wanted to make myself a t-shirt that said FREE PETAGINE. At the time, he was a Venezuelan Brian Daubach ( before the onset of boozehoundery) and mashing hardcore at McCoy. And I loved him. So my mother, knowing I had very little time, offered to pick up some fabric paint for me.

Well, she did. Only it was puffy paint. Yes, I wore my puffy-painted FREE PETAGINE t-shirt that day like any middle schooler! AND I WAS WORKING IT!

Of course, it was not half as cool as being the second "T" in "TROT", but that's a different story for a different day. And I am having a hard time uploading pictures, so you'll have to wait for the bitchin' Japanese portrait of Petagine.

I only wish RP had had a few more PA's, but I understand that first base was crowded at the time. Best o' luck, Roberto.

PS No reply yet from Sean McAdam. But then, a watched mailbox never boils.


Losing heat through my head

Dude, I totally just e-mailed Sean McAdam. Is that wrong? If he writes back I'll post his response. I'm so excited.

In other news, I can see my breath. How many candles would I have to light to increase the temperature in here five degrees?

I have a Fenway story that is not mine. My two sisters were attending one of those "What the hell is wrong with Pedro?" games in which the opposing team's score just grew and grew and grew. And it was freezing. And people started leaving.

And a guy sitting in their section shouted, "Go ahead! Leave! .... You'll see!"

You can really overhear some great stuff. Especially in the bleachers.

You're willing to sacrifice our love

You know... a couple of weeks ago while I was on vacation and sleeping late, my doorbell rang. It was the gas man! He said he'd come to shut the gas off, which made sense because the guys downstairs had moved out and he was probably flanging the ol' gas pipe connection thing.

So I let him go downstairs and do his thing and that was that. Until a few days later when I went to make a frozen pizza and I realized my gas oven was not operational. Turns out he was shutting off MY gas!

Do you have any idea how cold I am? I must pay my bill at some point so I can make tater tots like a civilized human being. In the meantime, I don't even put my beer in the fridge. It's tucked nicely under the air hockey table.


Body glitter

Okay, so I'm watching a Rhode Island public access channel and for some reason, they're showing footage from a night at The Complex. And let me tell you.
It's all right here!

Typical scenes include:

1. Two young women dance together to a song such as "Pour Some Sugar On Me". An older, solitary man stands in the background holding a domestic beer and stares at them.

2. Several young ladies dance on top of the bar. Their pants are pulled down slightly so everyone can see their bloomers!

3. A group of dancing kids realize the camera is on them. They scream and show off their tongue rings!

4. A tipsy high school junior with a fake ID and an asymmetrical top she got at Deb gets humped from behind by a horny state college retard!

Gotta love the sweat, the flashing lights, the sequins, the Midori sours, the Marlboro Lights. Saturday morning TV... there's nothing quite like it.


You're Having the Time of My Life

Fuck you, Red Sox.

How DARE you even TRY to steal my heart! After all the SHIT you put me through this year... Embree and Foulke; Mark "Whiffmaster B" Bellhorn; bitchy, erratic Schilling, Millar the rally killer; the death of the Mirabelli Fat Bat; broken-eyed Renteria... need I go on?


And absolutely NO Papelbon!!



Sean McAdam: The Baritone

If you look closely on the right, you can see SM talking to the lady outside the WEEI studios...


Sean McAdam smells like teen spirit

The best part of my morning was getting to hear Mister S.A. on the Saturday morning Red Sox show. I would give up my closet full of cassettes to hear some of his allegedly brilliant impressions of various local celebrities and Simpsons characters. I have a photograph from Game 4 of the ALCS in which you can see a sliver of McAdam's profile... hey, it's not easy to surreptitiously take pictures of people! I gotta scan it soon so you can see.

Probably the worst part of my morning was running out of gas on 495 and not being able to wish-push my car all the way down the off-ramp. I gotta give huge thanks to the Plainville PD for not giving me any shit for my abandoned ride while I huffed and puffed my way to the Mobil station. Au contraire... they parked behind me so I wouldn't get plowed into while I took care of business.

I do truly love Mariano Rivera, but my adoration is compromised when I know he's about to get chest-thumped by Alex Rodriguez because the Yankees just won the division again. I swear to god... if the sports media starts referring to the Yankees as the underdogs or lovable losers of 2005... if they use words like "amazing triumph", "enduring spirit", or "tenacious drive"... I will varmit and swear off Major League baseball.

I'm also not sure about how I feel about the Trot Nixon in the Line-up vs. Lefties experiment, either.

Oh, well. Onward. Ozzie Guillen for AL Manager of the Year!

The Pawtucket Times presents: Tele-Times

The Pawtucket Times has a special section in the editorials called "Tele-Times", in which your average ( elderly ) citizen can leave a message ( complaint ) and have it published!

Here're some of the best from this past week:

"I’m calling concerning the animals of Pawtucket. I think it’s very cruel to starve an animal in the winter cold weather and that. And why are they picking on cats when there’s other animals, not birds, squirrels and all that. And why wasn’t it in the paper when he went into yards and put cameras in there. That was invading privacy and that. Why did he get away with it?"

That one I find pretty mystifying. And then there's:

"The Pops in the Park was excellent. The fireworks display was one of the best Pawtucket's had in a long time... And the port-a-potty was the cleanest port-a-potty this side of the Mississippi..."


"Under God belongs in the Pledge of Allegiance. We who are believers have to fight constantly to keep the presence of God in ourselves and in our children. Check out the trash on TV and in the movies that is fed to the gullible public... We must teach our children to be strong religiously and not be deceived by the devil and his devious ways..."

"I live in Pawtucket, and although I can find many things wrong with this city, I am certainly glad I don't live in Lincoln. The people in Lincoln are ridiculous. They hate dogs, because they don't want the dog track; and they hate kids , because they don't want a Little League field. What is wrong with them? People who hate dogs and hate kids have got a problem."

By the way, I recorded these exactly the way they were printed. All questionable punctuation is not mine. Do they even have a proofreader over there? Cuz... you know, I could do it for you.

More to follow!