hey guys i'm in iowa

It's sweet, dirty New Year's Eve and, yeah yeah, YEAH FUCKIN YEAH I'm in Iowa.

I only wish I'd started a travel journal, as airport magazines and Eurosuits stimulate my brain and make me smart and interesting all over again. Downtown Ames has stolen my heart with its bicycle shops and buffalo head bars.

Do you know what the message board kids did? They all each picked out two songs and sent them to one guy, one point guy in Idaho and he assembled them onto three CDs which have been my constant companions on the less-loud jets. In fact, as I made myself a nice fried egg sandwich after my shower in Lucky's apartment, I fired up disc 3 for a truly glorious grey midwestern morning. Hash browns not home fries? Well, we'll just see about that. As Mr. Ricky Martin once said, Viva la Musica.

Baseball thoughts this morning: I had a dream I was on a charter bus and Kyle Farnsworth was in front of me with still-wet hair. And many other passengers were AAA level Minnesota Twins, as in, Rah-Rah-Rochester.

Beyond that, Kevin Millar is broken hearted, Texas blew it all over Millwood, and I'll surely be running into Mark Bellhorn in Arizona.

So long, '05. Is there a more depressing holiday than this?


The Scorpions

Have I been away this long? I feel so stupid.

In many ways, I'm back. I'm going to refrain from commenting on beisbol at this point.

Except I'm really going to miss Doug Mirabelli.


I'm thanking Jerry Kapstein in my liner notes.

This Hanley Ramirez picture (which looks like total crap here) was given to me by Bob from work. It says "to Jim" on it, even though my name is Jen. Apparantly he has trouble hearing. Anyway, it's from the Pawsox Hot Stove day this past January. I didn't line up for a Hanley autograph, so Bob did it for me. My friend Kayla and I watched from the sidelines and it was great. Also, Kelly Shoppach was totally drunk during his Q&A. Classic.

The best part is that the ubiquitous Jerry Kapstein is in the background of the Polaroid. I saw him there that day and I couldn't believe it. I was reading the Don Baylor book and he gets mentioned in that one ( he was a superagent at the time ). He has popped up in several baseball types of books I've read. And everybody loves him, myself included.

One more thing: I have a real problem with the Pawsox web site. You would think they'd have news regarding their 2005 roster... like, say, Juan Perez going to the Mets. I find it reprehensible that there is absolutely nothing there in the way of team updates! Dare me to e-mail them and say that? I think I will!


Juan Perez signed by Mets

From Mets.com via the Mets Geek blog:
The New York Mets today added five players to their 40-man winter roster: Righthanded pitchers Brian Bannister, Anderson Garcia, Henry Owens and Yusmeiro Petit, and lefthanded pitcher Juan Perez. In addition, the Mets outrighted outfielders Ambiorix Concepcion and Todd Self to Norfolk (AAA) of the International League.
Perez, 27, signed a minor league contract with the Mets on October 28th after spending the 2005 season with Pawtucket (AAA) of the International League in the Boston Red Sox organization. In 40 games, he was 4-5 with a 4.50 ERA (31 earned runs in 62.0 innings pitched) with one save.

I'll have to go back and look at some old scorecards and see if I can find any great pitching performances by J.P. I heard he was a nice guy, great with the kids, etc. Best O' Luck, Juan! Have fun in NY!

PS: Trying to find a picture of Juan Perez the baseball player is like trying to find a Mike Johnson that works in insurance.


"My Wife Loves Kapler"

There's a thread on theremyreport.com entitled "My Wife Loves Kapler" which is mostly page after page of Red Sox player / personnel photos accompanied by admiring (and sometimes lecherous) comments by females. I'm not condemning it at all - how could I slag it when I have been through several pages of it and added some of the better photos to my own desktop folder? If you harbor secret, dirty thoughts about Alex Cora or have ever called Adam Hyzdu "Hyzdu-Me" or maybe wanna see what kind of car Trot Nixon goes to the park in, I suggest you check it out.

There're a few pictures of our late great GM T. Epstein. He's not cute. I never thought he was cute. He's a dork who has committed several fashion offenses which include:

1. overuse of hair gel
2. wearing the same ugly polo shirt through half of spring training
3. wearing what is commonly known as a "mock turtleneck"

And strapping on a guitar with your crappy band at HS/CM and hanging out with Bill Janovitz? Okay. We all know you're BFF with Eddie Vedder, Theo, but you are and always will be a Yalie suit.


Buying Red Sox tickets from a scalper

I used to buy tickets from scalpers pretty regularly. Now, I would only do it as an absolute last resort. I either a) use other means ( and there are many ) or b) watch the game on TV because I don't give a shit anymore.

I am going to pass on a few words of wisdom: scalpers are not your friends. Sure, they may call you 'buddy' or 'kiddo', but don't think for one minute they're not gonna try and sell you seats inside a stainless steel freezer unit for $350.

If you're seriously gonna buy the tickets from some red-faced guy in windpants with a gold chain as thick as my arm, consider the following:

1. Make sure the date is correct on the tickets
2. Make sure the seats are together, as in, "the same row" or "not separated by five sections"
3. Watch the thumbs! When Shady McScrubberson is showing you the sweet, sweet Yankees tickets, he may be hiding the "OBSTRUCTED VIEW" part of the ticket with his big fat thumb!
4. You CAN haggle a little. Don't be afraid to offer less than what the tickets are being offered for.
5. Ask to see the seating chart or have one with you. THEY ALL CARRY SEATING CHARTS!!! DO NOT JUST ACCEPT HIS WORD THAT THEY'RE 'GOOD SEATS'.
6. "Behind the dugout" is much, much vaster area than you think
7. If the price seems too good to be true...
8. "I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm selling these tickets real cheap because I've been here since 10, I'm tired, I just wanna go home..." LIES!!!!
9. Never,ever buy tickets for the section known as "BENCH".

All of these tips come from experience, and yes, I have been scammed. Teach your children well.

This could be anywhere. This could be everywhere.

I hate when you travel to a different city and you're staying in some motel and you look out the window and there's an interstate, a Burger King, a Home Depot, a parking lot.

I was looking for corresponding pictures for "boredom" on Yahoo and I kept seeing these beautiful pictures of things like parking garages, colorless business offices, potted plants, rental cars, motel room art, beige carpeting, stuff like that. The webpage was crackpot.org but I couldn't access it.

It's disappointing when you get to go to a different city for once and you're faced with the heartbreaking anonymity of shopping plazas and 6 lanes of traffic and no sidewalks. See also: Seekonk, North Attleboro, Warwick.

It's even worse that I work in a place like this.


"Why you so big on that guy?"

Ugh, I hate the way these pictures come out.

Anyway, I could be posting about Golden Gloves and ROYs and Cy Youngs, but if you're relying on this blog for that kind of information and commentary, please put down the bong.

This picture reminds me... in 2004 when the roster photos came out, every guy on the Red Sox had a mole on his neck. And it was like... the mole stayed in one spot while the players' heights and neck length difference made the mole wind up on different parts of the skin. I dunno.

It also reminds me of seeing McCarty pitch in the Red Sox first home game and then months later in their last game of the season in Baltimore.

There's been hardly any baseball news and I'm dying. Also, Sean McAdam never wrote me back. I'm completely crushed.


You're so far away from me

See if you can guess which Red Sox player is circled in this photo.


Jenks Park and Stanley's

Screw it.

I originally only wanted my location to be just "RI", but I gotta represent.

"Well, I'm looking for an apartment... anywhere but CF."

Screw you.

You only wish you could have what I have.

And screw you, CFPD, for taking out your feedback section.

I'm keeping it real.

PS I love the big clock picture in this entry. I used to have a camera and I used to take pictures. See?

Sean Paul and Sheryl Crowe

The worst thing about going to spring training is that once you go, you want to go every year. Forever.

The best thing about ST is everything.

I love this picture from 2005 spring training, which I was unable to attend. I love seeing the kids: Machado, Shoppach... and the AAA guys like Dave "Ice" Berg. I was really, really sad about missing it all. But the whole scalpers with Yankees tickets was a bit much.

Blag is a Skin Poppin' Slut

Last night was the big Dwarves show at the Living Room! And it was great! I forget sometimes how riveting they are live, but when the lights went out I was giddy and excited!

Do you know what happened? HeWhoCannotbeNamed was kicking it old school, what with the wrestling mask and nudity and devilish smile. And he received fellatio right there on stage! And I missed the entire thing!!

Know what else happend ? HeWho mauled the breasts of a young lady that was going berserk up front, sort of making herself part of the show. I guess she was not down with that, because I saw her walking away from the stage, talking on her cell phone. And after the show was over, the cops showed up, trying to get backstage. I think at that point, HeWho had made himself scarce. I don't know if they arrested anyone.

They played "Is There Anybody Out There?" amongst other things. I'm vowing to attend more shows... even if the acts are local and in all likelihood, crappy.

PS Winter beers are here! I bought some Harpoon Winter Warmer and had a couple Winter Hooks at the show. The only thing better that winter beer is summer beer. I'd also like to take this opportunity to tell you that Sam Adams is hardly any better than Coors. I never drink it.

The best of Tele-Times?

On November 15th, the following comment appeared in the Tele-Times section of the Pawtucket Times newspaper:

"... Recently, there were several messages in Tele-Times about the empty rectory on Newport Avenue. The pastor has since announced from the altar that these messages are not true, that he lives in the rectory. I beg to differ. I know he lived in lower Lincoln, on the east side of Lonsdale Avenue, for four or five years. I saw him there three or four times. Then about six months ago, he sold that house and he and his friend moved to Cumberland. I've noticed that since they renovated the church, they've eliminated the confessionals. Maybe the reason being his will take confessions up at his new home in Cumberland. I will take a ride up there, and would love to hear his confession! Recently, the Vatican announced it will not allow any more homosexuals in the priesthood. I wonder what they will do with the ones they have in there now? ..."

The comment is signed "Concerned Parishioner". What it seemingly boils down to is CP alleging that his / her pastor is living in sin with a man.

Well, now Santa Claus is upset. The guy that plays Santa every year to raise money for the Times' Christmas fund was so pissed about the allegation that he wrote a letter in which he stated "I was so offended by the comments that I was going to cancel my appearance...The reason I was going to cancel was because of the enormous lack of judgement on the part of The Times for printing such hurtful and slanderous remarks."

Furthermore, there was a letter that ran simultaneously in the editorial section written by Richard Blockson, general manager of the Times. He writes, in part, "Moving forward, our staff will be ever cognizant of anything that does not comply with our policy, which states 'The Times reminds Tele-Times readers that it will not print lewd, vulgar, or slanderous calls.'"

He does not apologize for printing the contents of the call.

Usually, I find Tele-Times to be hilarious for different reasons. The whole slanderous allegation angle is awesome! You really have to read the entire contents of Santa's letter and its allegations of anti-Catholicism and religious intolerance.

I only hope this doesn't suck the fun and life and crankiness out of Tele-Times.


Mayor Mae Knott

Okay, I'm officially baffled by the "simulated press conference" that's currently on ESPN. A guy named Steve Philips is playing the Astros GM. Tomorrow he'll play the Dodgers GM. I'm assuming this is some kind of recreation of the GM meetings.

And while we're on the subject, how much fun would it be to go to the GM meetings? You think those guys don't PARTY?!


I'm taking the next bus outta here

Well, I couldn't help myself. I bow-wowed my grandmother's dog and took her for a long walk... to the park. Past the park. Had I had an earlier start, I may have taken her to Fenway by way of Brookline and the man-made lake park. But I don't know, I'm kind of bored with Fenway.

One of the minor league teams I saw this year was the New Britain Rock Cats, the Twins' AA affiliate. The weird thing about that was they had a sponsor on their uniforms. This would be the first time I saw ads on jerseys. Very strange. Nice park, though.

McCoy looked great, still and expectant. I'm not big into baseball mystique and romanticism at all. I hated Field of Dreams. But it's killing me to think that they're playing baseball in Arizona RIGHT NOW.

There was a time in my life where if blogs existed, I would have been doing show reviews instead of game summaries and musings. But I'm old now and today's music is just a bunch of screaming and yelling.

There's a little stadium tucked away behind the factory, next to the prison that I've never seen the inside of. It's the real deal.. .scoreboard, lights, bleachers, you know. But every time I went to check it out, nothing was going on and the gates were locked. I think they're playing high school football there these days. A lot of people think this city is disgusting, dangerous, drugged, ugly. And I'm not anti-suburbia for the sake of being an urban snob. But come on. If you can't see the heart and charm and life here, you're stupid.

Next: there's a tiny boxing gym I've seen once, somewhere offa Washington St. It's old and tough and no one knows about it and I so very badly want to peek inside the door and see Mickey and Rock sweating it out.


Dear Doug Mirabelli

I swear this story is true.

2003 ALDS: Boston v Oakland. It was that extra inning game in Oakland. As you all know, those west coast postseason games can kill you. And when it comes to extra innings, forget it.

So I went to bed before the game was over and I swear I woke up from a dream and though, "Oh my god... did Derek Lowe come in as a reliever?"

Sure enough, he had come in. Just like I dreamed. That ALDS damn near killed me... I was fetal when T-Long was at the plate and he was called out looking. Then Lowe said "SUCK IT, OAKLAND" and Tejada had a meltdown over it and "Are you Scott" Hatteburg ended his friendship with sweaty, slutty Derek.

To summarize: Derek Lowe is a sweaty, pothead dirtbag and I never liked him.

Just one more night and I'm coming off this long and winding road

I'm watching Game 3 of the ALCS and having some Molson ( Canadian, of the wacky rear label variety ) and I Fucking Miss Baseball So Much. Just watching Javier Vazquez snap his glove closed on the return toss from Posada and the sweet, springy weather of the past week...

Also, Theo did not renew his contract. I think he wanted more money.

I love how Varitek said he text messaged Theo after he heard the deal had been done.
Probably something like, "Congrats, dude." Because baseball players are stupid and not at all interesting.

I still can't upload pictures for some reason. Thus, the completely drab appearance.


Clement had surgery?

Clement had surgery? On what? Man, I am out of it.

In other news, Mister Assistant Trainer
Chris Correnti
was dismissed and no further information is available. This is a surprise to me and I'm sure people like Nixon and Schilling are not going to be too happy about it.

On the other hand, everybody's favorite sweater-vested leg stretcher is still kicking around. The ladies love you, Jim Rowe.

It would have been a nice night to play baseball.


The Great Petagine

Do you remember Rhode Island Day at Fenway last year? Nah, me neither. Oh, wait... Hey! I was there with sister Lucky! Yes, it's all coming back to me now.

The little yellow anchor was waving proudly as we all saluted Roger Williams and religious freedom and the mighty Narragansett Bay. It was a day game in July, and damned if it wasn't Trading Deadline Day!

Well, we all know what happened that day, don't we? A lot of people were saying, "Oh, the people watching TV at home knew Manny was coming in before the people at the park did." WRONG!! First of all, am I ever at Fenway without binoculars? NO. And from my seat in the bleachers, I could see right into the dugout. Not only that, but this is something a lot of people saw coming very early in the game. I know Lucky and I talked about it. So take your turkey and stuff it.

The night before the game I had wanted to make myself a t-shirt that said FREE PETAGINE. At the time, he was a Venezuelan Brian Daubach ( before the onset of boozehoundery) and mashing hardcore at McCoy. And I loved him. So my mother, knowing I had very little time, offered to pick up some fabric paint for me.

Well, she did. Only it was puffy paint. Yes, I wore my puffy-painted FREE PETAGINE t-shirt that day like any middle schooler! AND I WAS WORKING IT!

Of course, it was not half as cool as being the second "T" in "TROT", but that's a different story for a different day. And I am having a hard time uploading pictures, so you'll have to wait for the bitchin' Japanese portrait of Petagine.

I only wish RP had had a few more PA's, but I understand that first base was crowded at the time. Best o' luck, Roberto.

PS No reply yet from Sean McAdam. But then, a watched mailbox never boils.


Losing heat through my head

Dude, I totally just e-mailed Sean McAdam. Is that wrong? If he writes back I'll post his response. I'm so excited.

In other news, I can see my breath. How many candles would I have to light to increase the temperature in here five degrees?

I have a Fenway story that is not mine. My two sisters were attending one of those "What the hell is wrong with Pedro?" games in which the opposing team's score just grew and grew and grew. And it was freezing. And people started leaving.

And a guy sitting in their section shouted, "Go ahead! Leave! .... You'll see!"

You can really overhear some great stuff. Especially in the bleachers.

You're willing to sacrifice our love

You know... a couple of weeks ago while I was on vacation and sleeping late, my doorbell rang. It was the gas man! He said he'd come to shut the gas off, which made sense because the guys downstairs had moved out and he was probably flanging the ol' gas pipe connection thing.

So I let him go downstairs and do his thing and that was that. Until a few days later when I went to make a frozen pizza and I realized my gas oven was not operational. Turns out he was shutting off MY gas!

Do you have any idea how cold I am? I must pay my bill at some point so I can make tater tots like a civilized human being. In the meantime, I don't even put my beer in the fridge. It's tucked nicely under the air hockey table.


Body glitter

Okay, so I'm watching a Rhode Island public access channel and for some reason, they're showing footage from a night at The Complex. And let me tell you.
It's all right here!

Typical scenes include:

1. Two young women dance together to a song such as "Pour Some Sugar On Me". An older, solitary man stands in the background holding a domestic beer and stares at them.

2. Several young ladies dance on top of the bar. Their pants are pulled down slightly so everyone can see their bloomers!

3. A group of dancing kids realize the camera is on them. They scream and show off their tongue rings!

4. A tipsy high school junior with a fake ID and an asymmetrical top she got at Deb gets humped from behind by a horny state college retard!

Gotta love the sweat, the flashing lights, the sequins, the Midori sours, the Marlboro Lights. Saturday morning TV... there's nothing quite like it.


You're Having the Time of My Life

Fuck you, Red Sox.

How DARE you even TRY to steal my heart! After all the SHIT you put me through this year... Embree and Foulke; Mark "Whiffmaster B" Bellhorn; bitchy, erratic Schilling, Millar the rally killer; the death of the Mirabelli Fat Bat; broken-eyed Renteria... need I go on?


And absolutely NO Papelbon!!



Sean McAdam: The Baritone

If you look closely on the right, you can see SM talking to the lady outside the WEEI studios...


Sean McAdam smells like teen spirit

The best part of my morning was getting to hear Mister S.A. on the Saturday morning Red Sox show. I would give up my closet full of cassettes to hear some of his allegedly brilliant impressions of various local celebrities and Simpsons characters. I have a photograph from Game 4 of the ALCS in which you can see a sliver of McAdam's profile... hey, it's not easy to surreptitiously take pictures of people! I gotta scan it soon so you can see.

Probably the worst part of my morning was running out of gas on 495 and not being able to wish-push my car all the way down the off-ramp. I gotta give huge thanks to the Plainville PD for not giving me any shit for my abandoned ride while I huffed and puffed my way to the Mobil station. Au contraire... they parked behind me so I wouldn't get plowed into while I took care of business.

I do truly love Mariano Rivera, but my adoration is compromised when I know he's about to get chest-thumped by Alex Rodriguez because the Yankees just won the division again. I swear to god... if the sports media starts referring to the Yankees as the underdogs or lovable losers of 2005... if they use words like "amazing triumph", "enduring spirit", or "tenacious drive"... I will varmit and swear off Major League baseball.

I'm also not sure about how I feel about the Trot Nixon in the Line-up vs. Lefties experiment, either.

Oh, well. Onward. Ozzie Guillen for AL Manager of the Year!

The Pawtucket Times presents: Tele-Times

The Pawtucket Times has a special section in the editorials called "Tele-Times", in which your average ( elderly ) citizen can leave a message ( complaint ) and have it published!

Here're some of the best from this past week:

"I’m calling concerning the animals of Pawtucket. I think it’s very cruel to starve an animal in the winter cold weather and that. And why are they picking on cats when there’s other animals, not birds, squirrels and all that. And why wasn’t it in the paper when he went into yards and put cameras in there. That was invading privacy and that. Why did he get away with it?"

That one I find pretty mystifying. And then there's:

"The Pops in the Park was excellent. The fireworks display was one of the best Pawtucket's had in a long time... And the port-a-potty was the cleanest port-a-potty this side of the Mississippi..."


"Under God belongs in the Pledge of Allegiance. We who are believers have to fight constantly to keep the presence of God in ourselves and in our children. Check out the trash on TV and in the movies that is fed to the gullible public... We must teach our children to be strong religiously and not be deceived by the devil and his devious ways..."

"I live in Pawtucket, and although I can find many things wrong with this city, I am certainly glad I don't live in Lincoln. The people in Lincoln are ridiculous. They hate dogs, because they don't want the dog track; and they hate kids , because they don't want a Little League field. What is wrong with them? People who hate dogs and hate kids have got a problem."

By the way, I recorded these exactly the way they were printed. All questionable punctuation is not mine. Do they even have a proofreader over there? Cuz... you know, I could do it for you.

More to follow!


Speaking of witch...

Juliana Hatfield says:

"I love Edgar Renteria's face. It's such a great face: beautiful eyes and such smooth skin. I like Lenny DiNardo's form. His wind-up and his extension are balletic. I know he's not the fastest guy out there, but speed isn't everything, is it? And David Ortiz is a genius. He's incredible to watch. Over and over, he hits home runs that are simply transcendent."

-- from Redsoxnation.net

For the record, I never liked J.H. Her self-loathing seemed really forced and her music wasn't really that great. Reading crap like this reminds me of why she used to make me roll my eyes. And I'll just BET she likes Lenny Dinardo's form!

She is right about Renteria, but don't tell her I said that.

I'm moving to the AL Central

I can't begin to tell you how bored I got with the Red Sox this year.

I made the decision last year after the whole thing went down that I was not going to go to Spring Training. I also decided I was not going to try and get any Fenway tickets. If I happened across them, fine, but I wasn't going to waste time, money and effort on trying to go to games.

I think even before the World Series I was getting sick of hearing Wink Martindale's wooden delivery of "The destination of this train is... BRAINTREE." while wedged into a steamy car with Quincy-Adams bound drunks.

Many times, I'd find myself watching Dodger / Diamondback games on ESPN because I was so freaking sick of looking at Johnny Damon or Curt Schilling or the Green Monster. The lethargic pitching and sluggish bats and inconsistant fielding. What was there to get revved up about? Oh yeah, the kids. Why do you think I spent so much time in Pawtucket? Because that's where the good stuff was, the exciting stuff. The prospects and potential call-ups.

I was watching a Cleveland Indians game one night and when they won... their celebration was so sincere and joyous... their hearts were young and gay... and I thought, why is my cable TV so limited that I have to endure yet another visit to Camden Yards with D.O. and Rem-Dawg? Why am I watching Braves game on TBS when I really can't stand Atlanta?

(Because I love it when Atlanta plays the Marlins. I love watching Dontrelle Willis pitch. I love Mike Lowell and Jeff Conine.)

I don't get to see too many NL games, and that drives me nuts. I couldn't name one contender for NL RoY. I probably couldn't pick Carpenter out of a line-up. Yet night after night, Red Sox baseball.

Oh, by the way, I cannot fucking stand Tom Caron. I absolutely adored Bob Rodgers
and I miss him terribly. I would suggest Eric Frede replace TC, but I understand he's got the hockey gig on NESN. How about this? All Eckersley, all the time. yeah.


I Love Jeremi Gonzalez 4-Eva

So I was talking to Bob From Work about baseball (no!) and he was dismayed that his good friend Manny Delcarmen, son of Mr. "Cookie" Delcarmen, seemed to be somewhat overlooked among Papelbon and Hansen et al. An "unsung hero" to use his words.

To which I countered, what about Jeremi Gonzalez? Here we have a man who came to us from the lowly yet lovable D-Rays and hung out in AAA until an injury got him a start with Boston earlier this year. And so it was... JG started and did very well.

And then... at times Gonzo was forgotten until a starter blew it all over the place or there was an extra inning game. And he came in and did either poorly or welly BUT HE DID IT AND WAS GOOD-NATURED ABOUT IT.

I know you're thinking "How do you know he didn't mind? Maybe he was a real dick about it!"

To which I say: You are obviously jealous and lead a boring life.

I love Jeremi Gonzalez. He's done a bunch of different crap this year and really been a useful, handy pitcher for us.



I know this post is going to be really scattershot, because this story excites me greatly.

The year was either 2003 or 2004. Probably 2004. I was leaving Fenway Park ( I think it must have been a day game ) and on the corner of Lansdowne I saw a nondescript fellow standing there, waiting for something. Just for one second. And as I looked away a light went on upstairs.

I turned to my stepmother and said, "Was that Squiggy?"

She thought it was, I thought it was, and it is not completely out of the realm of possibility that an actor of that "caliber" would go to a Red Sox game and just be hanging around by himself on a nearby corner. Without all the mobbing and the autograph requests.

But later in the evening, my brain went into "Naaaah" mode. And I didn't think anything more of it.


It was late one night a couple of months later. I was in bed reading Moneyball for the first time. And the part where Bill James is talking about the figurative origin of the species and the very early Baseball Abstract readership he mentions that one of its first raving fans was "the guy who played Squiggy on Laverne and Shirley".

I was so excited about finding this out that I started calling people who were less than interested. Like the time I met the town historian. Anyway. As it turns out, Squiggy is a baseball scout and henceforth and heretoafter I'll call him David Lander.

But how is this guy qualified to work for a MLB franchise and get paid for it? Apparantly, he's a hardcore baseball guy and dedicated records keeper and has a magnetic hard drive for a brain. Isn't that enough?

Or is being on a long-running hit sitcom an "in"?

PS: Loved that show.


"His curves are kickin'!"

Dude, you know the Devil Rays are getting all pumped up knowing Boston's coming. Teams like that dig spoiling everything, plus they pretty regularly brawl with the Red Sox anyway.
Have you even seen what Jorge Cantu's been up to lately? I wish I could show you, but I don't have time to look up Aug and Sep stats for him. I may even be wrong... I base my player judgement on highlight reels.

YES Boston lost today, but I may have been the only person who was pleased about seeing all the Pawtucket scrubs come in. Machado, Petegine, Hyzdu, DiNardo, and Shoppach all made appearances.

And Little Alex got his first hit, a double. It wasn't adorable or anything. And Shoppach is still hitless.

In all honesty, I don't think the A's'll be getting the WC. I would have loved that, though. Maybe they'll win the west. I'm rooting for them.

I walked ( a small dog ) by the park yesterday and it was deserted. Nothing there at all. I can remember driving past it during snowfalls in the early morning December hours. Waiting.

By the way, I could give a shit less what Foulke thinks of baseball. I just don't think he's helping the team right now and I want him back on the DL toot sweet. Timlin's masturbation-inducing performance yesterday really might be greasing the tracks. I love Keith Foulke, really. But I don't like the sweaty, nervous bitch imposter sitting in the bullpen.


Winstrol: the wonder of it all

After reading "Juiced", I have to say... there's something sincere and credible about Canseco. I know it's convenient and popular to snicker about him and question his motives and intents, but ... but... what if he's right?

I also love how he asserts that steroids are not dangerous at all and that they're wonderful and beneficial when used properly. I don't know if I agree with him but it's nice to have conventional wisdom challenged now and then.

As Mykel Board used to say... "You're wrong!"


The white... schoene.

Do you remember the 2002 Anaheim Angels? Oh, but they were darling!

That was a great WS for a lot of reasons. I won't soon forget that team. K-Rod's debut. Man.

Anyhoo, this Toronto series we saw a lot of Scott Schoeneweis, who's a sweet, sweet lefty.

And http://www.davetill.com/personal/writing/dwt_memoryproject.html

made me laugh this evening.

A Triple Shy

Do you remember the scene in Purple Rain in which Prince's father tells him to never get married?

Well, I have similar advice for you. Don't ever take the Fenway Park tour unless you've never been to Fenway. It was a 12 dollar rip-off. No Monster, no bullpen, no warning track. The only cool part was sitting in the press area. ( " Look at me! I'm Masserotti! I'm Gordon Edes! Wheeee!")

Also, if you're a member of the Baseball Writers' Association, there's a dress code posted on the door. YOU'D BETTER HAVE A COLLAR ON THAT SHIRT, MCADAM!

In other news, no one really showed up for baseball yesterday, but Phil altered my "swing" a little bit. Yes, with just a little more extension, I was able to hit for slightly more power. And the fucking grass needed to be cut badly. No sproingy ball hops on short, tight grass. Just me in the outfield trying to find the ball or charging a hit that stops like 10 feet in front of me.

Phil is the Papa Jack of our shitty little team!


Do you want your AAA team to be successful?

There're a lot of things I don't know about baseball. Things I wouldn't understand. Things I couldn't understand. Things I SHOULDN'T understand.

I was thinking about AAA franchise teams and wondering: Do their major league affiliates want them to be successful in their own rights? If the Pawtucket Red Sox had made the playoffs, would Boston have been unhappy because it would delay the harvesting of their best players?

Does HQ even care how successful the AAA teams are? Probably not. I think at that level they're more interested in the talent show aspect of it. Is Dave Berg hitting? Who's got a fat OBP? If so-and-so goes on the DL, is there a decent lefty we can get from Pawtucket?

It's a like a giant green waiting room that smells like fried dough with a mix of upstarts and washups playing ball to pass the time.

Not that I don't think Kelly Shoppach wants to win EVERY DAY. I really don't know what the players are thinking. Is it: "I'm stealing second base to win this fucking game" or is it "I hope everyone notices how good I am at stealing bases"?

Just so you know, I'm starting to go to little league games.

"Yeah, Pedro!"

I miss Pedro. I wouldn't have given him the four years, but I miss him. All the stuff that people hated him for, I loved him for.

In 2003, I think it was, or early 2004, I was standing for the national anthem at the park and during the brief silence after..." O'er the laaaaand of the freeeee....."

One lone male voice shouted, "YEAH PEDRO!!!!"

And the home of the brave.

I was talking to old Dad this afternoon about a few things and again he brought up how he'd occasionally walk to McCoy when he lived in CF. He said he used to sneak in a couple of baloney sandwiches and that NO ONE was there. So you could sit wherever.

Old Dad's not a New Englander and was a Dodgers fan, which I love about him.

I haven't posted because I've been working a wicked lot. Oh yeah, my phone got shut off.


Wow, Mom. Wow.

I'm tired and bored. Erin came into work and handed me Boston Red Sox tickets. I forsook my Pawtucket ticket and took my brother Tom. Clement pitched.

My seats were great, thanks for asking. Pawtucket lost, Abe "Glass Piece" Alvarez took it. No playoff chance, sorry.

Ooh, Schilling's really blowing Game 1. Better get him out.

It was really incredibly nice and amazing of Erin to show up at my workplace and give me the tickets. I can't say enough good things about her. One of the coolest people I've ever met.

The best part? I got to see Alejandro Machado's first ever at-bat in the majors. Yeah, he grounded out. But it was a very nice and respectable at- bat in which he took a lot of pitches. It was adorable!

NO, stupid, I didn't say adorable. I said durable. He's a durable infielder. GOD!

I'm bummed that I'm not going to either of the last two PawSox games. There goes my everything.


Angry Bill

When I first saw "Still, We Believe" in the cinema, I thought it was so-so.
Now, after enough time has gone by, I watch it and it's so hilarious and so perfect. Angry Bill completely encapsulates a certain small part of Boston fans.

The ending's still painful, though. And it's hard to watch the spring training stuff.

Pawtucket Red Sox v. Scranton Wilkes-Barre Red Barons

It was a night.... just like tonight.

Tim Bauscher did not pitch tonight.

I'm a little distracted right now because I just got my Red Sox Post-Season DVD Set and I so very badly want to watch it, but okay.

Marc Deschenes of Lowell, MA was tonight's starter. I don't think his greenies kicked in until the 3rd because he gave up a walk, a single, and a homer before he started getting his shit together.

The Red Barons had Mike Bacsik, a nifty lefty, pitching. He set the Pawtucket batters down 1-2-3 in FIVE innings! But look out... in the eighth, he flamed out and gave up 3 runs. Mister Jeff Bailey hit his second HR in as many days. (Note: Hey, beat writers. If you're going to use baseball slang, for the love of god, DON'T PUT IT IN QUOTATIONS!!! There's this one Pawtucket Times writer who bangs out stuff like "Trot Nixon capped the inning off with a 'tater', driving in 3 runs". It looks horseshit. )

Pawtucket wins, 4-1. Nice job, Deschenes. Manny Delcarmen pitched GREAT in the 8th and 9th!

Coupla things:

1.SWB put in some crazy kid at short whose name wasn't even on the roster. Carlos Leon. Why can't I find a good freaking scouting report on this guy? Also, I totally forgot that Madonna had a boyfriend named Carlos Leon. I was reminded of this when I tried to do an image search.

2. In charge of charts, graphs, and radar tonight: Malaska and Alvarez. And Anastacio Martinez, possibly.


Dennis and Callahan

I think the first signs of my disgust with most of WEEI began with my inability to listen to D & C doing the news on my way into work in the morning. If you've ever listened to this, then you know how conservative and bitchy the show is.

On the morning of the 4th of July, after paying tribute to the troops in Iraq, they played a Toby Keith song. That's when they lost me forever.

I do still occasionally listen to Dale and Holley in the afternoon and the lovely and talented Mr. Sarandis at night, but mostly I stick with the Score 790. It's just a better fit for me.

There is one thing, however, that will keep my dial glued regardless of the station. And that thing is the exciting and mysterious Sean McAdam.

I love Sean McAdam. I love his sober rationality and intelligence. I love his sentences and paragraphs. I love that he secretly does dead on impressions of people that I'll probably never hear. I love that I saw him on the day of ALCS Game 4 ( possibly the most important game in all of Red Sox history that I went to and was at ).

I want to call him at the Providence Journal and ask him a random question about baseball just so I'll have the interior knowledge that I called Sean McAdam and he answered my stupid question.

I love his modest shirt and tie combinations. I love how sometimes you can tell he's biting back a little bit. I love the way he moves.

Anyhoo, fuck Dennis and Callahan.

Pawtucket Red Sox v. Syracuse Sky Chiefs (TOR) 9.1.05

Lefty Mark Malaska pitched 5 strong innings, giving up one hit and striking out 6. The heavily freckled and baby-faced Jack Cressand pitched the 6th, 7th, and 8th. Cressand was visibly pissed off and scowly when he gave up a two run homer to the slightly unattractive John-Ford Griffin in the 6th, but had better luck in the 7th and 8th, giving up two hits and no runs with one strikeout. Unfortunately, Griffin tied the game up with his dinger.

Pawtucket got all revved up in the 8th inning, scoring 3 runs on two homers (thank you Shawn Wooten and Jeff Bailey) offa Jason Arnold, about whom I know nothing.

Cla Meredith alarmed the few remaining spectators when he allowed 2 runners to score in the 9th, but the odd-looking former KC Royal Desi Relaford grounded out to end the inning. PawSox win, 5-4.

As far as the Syracuse pitchers... their starter, a small child named Jamie Vermilyea, did not make it out of the 3rd. I predicted his early departure in the second inning and I was very excited about being right. There are few things I like more than being right. This Vermilyea kid is a righty with a weirdish high sidearm delivery. I don't know what he was throwing but he had trouble finding the plate.

Francisco Rosario came in for him and although I KNOW last time I saw Rosario he was hitting the high 90's, he seemed to be throwing a lot of junk tonight. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT??!

Tim Bauscher, whose tousled hair and carefree smile add a few MPH to his repertoire, did not pitch tonight.

Other things:

1. Behind home plate with charts and graphs and radar gun tonight were Lenny Dinardo in a Pixies shirt he probably never washes and Tim "Chandler Bing" Kester.

2. Some guy with one of the most elaborate scorepads I have ever seen (seriously, he must have been an accountant) came by and ask me to help him score the last few outs, as he had missed an inning or so. I filled him in and as he walked back to his seat he said "You have beautiful eyes". He smelled bad.

3. My mother let me use her high powered binoculars and oh my god. They make mine look like a Cracker Jack prize. I saw Charlie Zink in the bullpen holding a "cigarette" under his nose... I'm sure he's got plans with Abe Alvarez tonight. If you know what I'm saying, and I think you do.

4. Yes, I have a tendency to keep an eye on the bullpen. Normally there is not much of anything going on but sometimes you see some interesting stuff. In my imagination I am a hideous redneck reliever... kind of a flamethrower with a control problem.

5. George Lombard hauled ass to 3rd twice tonight... in the first on a centerfielder error and in the 4th with a straight triple. His success relied much upon his thick, powerful thighs and rakish good looks.

6. Lucky and I used to like to call these guys the "Sky Chefs". Poor Ken Huckaby was catching tonight.

7. No Machado tonight, as he has been called up. The line-up will be missing his high on-base percentage, his slightly above-average fielding, and his soft, dark, Venezuelan eyes and long black lashes.

I'll be back at the park tomorrow night.


Bye bye, Lucky

Just wanted to note that I had to say goodbye to my sister tonight. I think it went well. We had a normal evening watching the game ( wow, I never noticed Jesus Colome was so... fine ) and whatnot.

God, I am going to miss her.

I'll be at McCoy tomorrow night. By the way, I was way off with Charlie Zink. He didn't come in until the 4th inning due to flight complications. Juan Perez did the first 3 and was allegedly outstanding. But, still!

Fatty McMalaska's pitching tomorrow. Let's see him try and replicate his last start!

PS They're out of contention at this point and I am running out of ball games. This depresses me more than it should.


Pawtucket right now

Charlie Zink the Knuckleball Kid got called up to Pawtucket and has held the Ottawa Lynx scoreless through 7. Three hits. Bottom of the eighth right now. Go, CZ! Hmm, Stern's in Pawtucket, too.

Last time I was at the park Malaska had to start because big mean old Boston's been thieving their pitching hardcore. I was not expecting much but I was pleasantly surprised when he went 6 innings, zero runs, 3 hits, and 9 K's. Tim Bausher, who I am in love with, closed that one out. Ricky Bottalico handled 7 and 8 but he retired recently when he found out he wasn't gonna get called up.

I have mixed feelings about call-ups. I am of course happy for them but it sucks not being able to see The Great Petagine and Abe "I don't know how to say 'catcher' in Spanish" Alvarez.

One of these days I'm gonna get all my scorecards, photos and ticket stubs in order and compile a bomb-ass PawSox scrapbook.

Youks died


Goodbye, Nomar. Hello, Holy Trinity!

The Father ( Dave Roberts )

The Son ( Orlando Cabrera )


The Holy Spirit (Mientkiewiecz )

Lucky gave me her scrapbooks to look after after she moves far away last night and oh, my god. It was so amazing to see all that stuff from 2003. Um, except for the painful ending. We were just crazy that year. I can't even begin to think about how much money we spent on baseball!


"Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win?"

I used to really like Bronson Arroyo.

I remember him as the skinny kid in Pawtucket with the bad JT hair and the "hi-yaaah" leg kick who pitched a perfect game.

And then exceeding my expectations as a starter in 2004 ... the post-season Yankee K's... all of it. Even earlier this year when I spoiled his near no-hitter in Seattle!

Total plateau-age. I don't expect a lot of innings from him anymore. Not seeing as many strikeouts. His cool confidence is misguided - it's gone toward his oblivious release of a CD stuffed with Jarrod's nightclub cover band music. "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls? Are you freaking kidding me?

Not to mention his Boston Tiger Beat status and the whole partying with blonde college freshmen.

Arroyo didn't clear waivers so I s'pose we're "stuck" with him. I'm expecting more, Loserhead. Please help alleviate my boredom with this lifeless team. One more homestand in Pawtucket and then I might have to move to Mexico for Winter Ball. Otherwise I might have to start watching hockey.


It's Friday night, Doris

Well... tonight I'm going downtown to a bad place with some cool people. I have to decide how much information I'm going to let through at this point.

FINE! I'm going to Club Hell with Lucky, Vee, Tim and Joe. When I say Club Heck is bad, I don't mean in a cool way. It's just bad.

I'm not listening to the game.

I may not drink tonight, either. Except beer.