I have a feeling that no one will care about Tommy Layne.

Tommy Layne is a lefty reliever who was on the Padres and please bear with me as I search for a feeling about this.



The levee is dry.

I guess in 2012 he was getting outs

Layne has also pitched for the Diamondbacks. Fort Zumwalt is proud of him.

Okay, you know what? Never mind, shut down the internet. Sam Miller wrote about Layne last March (with visual aids!) Prepare to be boarded... By AWESOME!

"About two-thirds of the time, Layne starts lefties off with a fastball. This is a fastball, but it’s also three or four miles per hour slower than his typical fastball. It might be a cutter, but one of the themes of Layne’s repertoire is how seamlessly the different types of pitches blend into each other. He throws this pitch from a pretty typical three-quarters arm slot, which is his typical release point early in an at-bat."

Nothing I can tell you about Tommy Layne could compare to this, so good night. I have laundry to do anyway.

Zane Grey - The Young Pitcher

I bought this book in Ames, Iowa, back when I used to go to Ames, Iowa.

It is not an easy read, inasmuch as it's dated as hell and contains arcane slang.

It does reveal the singular cruelty of college baseball players.

Here's an excerpt:

"...Ken went up to the plate and swung blindly. To his amaze he cracked a hard fly to left-centre, far between the fielders. Like a startled deer Ken broke into a run. He turned first base and saw that he might stretch the hit into a three-bagger...

...Second base sailed under him, and he turned in line for the third.

...Without slacking his speed in the least, Ken leaped into the air headlong for the base. He heard the crack of the ball as it hit Graves' glove. Then with swift scrape on his hands and breast he was sliding in the dust. He stopped suddenly as if blocked by a stone wall. Something hard struck him on the head. A blinding light within his brain seemed to explode into glittering slivers. A piercing pain shot through him. Then from darkness and a great distance sounded a voice:

"Ward, I said I'd get you!"

Also, the protag is reprimanded by other students for walking with his hands in his pockets and turning up his trouser cuffs.


Although I am near delirious with illness and still reeling from Mark Wagner's bulge, I would like to sum up the dispersal of PawSox players as well as the fresh young minds that've been brought into the Rhody fold. The "Foldy", if you will. (I will not.)

Jarrod Saltalamacchia - Marlins. I'm not sure if he played in Pawtucket last year. Sorry, I was busy having one of my organs removed.

Jacoby Ellsbury - Yankees. Ellsbury hung out with Royce Clayton in Pawtucket back when I was paying money to drink beer in someone's musty cellar. This transaction angered some people. You know what makes me angry? Injustice and starvation.

Ryan Kalish - Charlotte Knights. If you would like to make a sex tape with Kalish then your porn name can be Charlotte Knights. Hook up with RK when the Knights come to Pawtucket June 12th. One bad injury can turn a legit outfielder into a piece of meat.

Brandon Snyder - He's back! How pleasing.

Mark Hamilton - Gwinnett Braves. He will kick 100% of the PawSox asses when he comes May 26th.

Doyle's Brother - Another Charlotte guy. Or Fort Mill, whatever, just get that new ballpark going already.

Matt Spring - Is back. What.

Justin Henry - Return of Justinstein.

Alfredo Aceves - Baltimore. No more Ace, Douby, and Cookie.

And I'm not sure what's going on with Grady Sizemore but finally, FINALLY! I have a reason to wear my Grady Sizemore hat. I was at the Cleveland Indians ballpark and they were tossing hats, is why I have one. Like why could it not have been a Masterson cap? He pitched that rainy day, it was splendid, but I think Boston won.

(later) GOD DAMN IT! The PawSox beat me by about one hour.


Mark Wagner probably has no idea how big Jim Thome is.

Mark Wagner is only 29, which is crazy to me because I feel like it's been years since he was a PawSox catcher. He is a 6'1" California man who looks like Bert from Sesame Street. And he was a Pawtucket man in 2009 and 2010.


1. Did you know that Mark Wagner was the first catcher to use a black web on his glove? "A catcher who also learned under the eye of Jason Varitek, who famously loosened the webbing on his glove, giving the feeling and the look that the glove was a few inches bigger than it originally came in. This is called the Jason Varitek effect." All of this and more from Watching Men Behind the Mask.

2. Did you know that you can purchase the chest protector that Wagner wore in his junior year in high school? It is $200. It's autographed. No one is ever going to buy it. You hear me? NO ONE.

3. Did you know that Wagner participated in a dance contest? PLUS A LITTLE BONUS FOR THE LADIES: RYAN KALISH NO SHIRT HOT XXX HARDCORE.

4. Oh, dear: "Same here buddy! i'm a collage catcher and it took me forever to find a cup that fit my package well enough. Being a catcher as you know, you have to have plenty of room for everything to be pushed forward into the cup when your in position and everything's pulled in tight down there. otherwise your dead if your hit. But with a bigger deaper cup comes more bulge that i have to grab and adjust every time i move my legs. My pitcher was even asking me about it several times because he noticed when i give him the signals that i have a bigger bulge now haha he said "buddy i was wondering what had happened down there because after every signal you grap and push on your bulge like you're showing it off to me or something haha." I just told him it was the perfect cup i found for big guys like me haha"

So here's a picture of Mark Wagner and his bulge. I could have lived without any of this.

5. From 2002: "In the game he had several hard hit line drives including 2 extra base hits to opposite field. He took 3rd on one hit utilizing the 7.04 speed he showed in the 60 earlier in the day. Defensively he popped a 1.95 and had good velocity on his throw down in the workout. He reproduced that 1.95 time in the game and his ball was consistently at the bag with good carry. He was even popping under 2 in between innings." Some people know what all of that means.

6. Did you know that you can buy a book about Wagner? It is 70 pages long and costs  $79. 

7. Did you know that Wagner has done yoga, even though he thought it was a "girl thing"?

8. Has had the same doctor as Kobe. 

If you look at Wagner's numbers with Pawtucket, you'll notice that he wasn't very good. So why are we talking about him? Because I saw a picture of him at McCoy Stadium on Saturday. 

Thanks for reading, now here's 'Sex With Jim Thome'.


Bryce Brentz is hot.

I came very close to skipping Stove Pot Party, but ultimately I attended and it was wicked decent.

Bryce Brentz is not much of a baseball player and I can never root for him because he was a detriment to his team in the playoffs. Kills me to admit that he is handsome as anything. Too bad handsomery cannot decrease your strikeout rate. Unless you got some horny ladies to be home plate umpire. Or just a HP ump that wasn't straight.

I also accurately predicted that Brentz would be wearing ugly cowboy boots. How I hate him.

Alex Hassan mentioned that one of his favorite baseball players was Jose Offerman. I would have though he was joking had I ever seen evidence that rich kid pro jocks were capable of wit.

Talked to the new manager about Australia a little bit. I had other burning questions  but I'll have to sit on them another season unless I run into Heiker Meneses at a bar. I owe him a drink or two.

And now I have to wait another million years before I can go to a ball game.


Kevin Boles, sometimes golfs.

Some people said Gary DiSarcina wasn't thrilled about being the PawSox coach. He certainly did a good job, whether or not that's true. Gary wanted to win, seriously, and did a big league job. And in such a sexy manner. Not the way you're thinking... I mean, I wanted to have SEX with DiSarcina!

Kevin Boles has been in the org since 2008 and spent the last three seasons managing the Portland Sea Dogs. He did? I haven't been up there in a while. Check out The P.O. Box for a more thorough background.

Boles also spent some time managing in Australia. Sydney Blue Sox. Today I decided that I want an Australian baseball vacation.


2014 Pawtucket Red Sox Hot Stove Event

On a social media site the PawSox said "Happy Holidays".


"Don't you mean merry Christmas?" - Tim Middlebrooks

"Southern Red Sox nation has the same greeting, but here we say MERRY CHRISTMAS!" - Rich Corbett

And then Mary Tonks said, "To Rich Corbett-with due respect, all of Red Sox Nation and Paw Sox Nation are not Christians."

To which Corbett replied "To Mary Tonks -- I don't see it as respectful that you would impose your anti-christian views and supress our holiday... I wouldn't think of imposing on yours... That would be disrespectful!"

I don't know when the Hot Stove Event is, sorry. We need to talk about Kevin Boles at some point, though.