9.11.2014

Devern Hansack is my neighbor.

Devern Hansack pitched for the Pawtucket Red Sox in 2007 and 2008. He was my Favourite. And then he disappeared. I assumed he'd returned to his little seaside town in Nicaragua and fired up his lobstering vessel and lived out the rest of his days basking in the sun, growing old and weathered and perhaps working on his memoirs.

WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG! I set up an alert a long time ago, so if Hansack somehow popped up on the internet, I'd get an email. And then nothing more. Years passed.

SUDDENLY! The maid screamed. In my box, a message. And this! Hansack throws out the first pitch at a Sea Dogs game! He looks incredible! And guess what? He's been living in MAINE this whole time! ALL THIS TIME! And I've been to Maine here and there... I'm flabbergasted. Me and Devern could have been kickin it and smokin blunts all summer long. I'll bet he has a deck.

I surmised that Hansack had met a local lady while he was on the Sea Dogs and that he'd wifed up and decided to live the rest of his days in Vacationland. I was right, of course. Further investigation revealed that Hansack was hired by U Maine Farmington as their pitching coach about a year ago.

I'm inordinately amped by all of this. YEAH 39!!!

Let's take a look back at all the witty, incisive stuff I said about DBH:

1. Did Devern Hansack intentionally peg Mariano Rivera with a baseball at Fenway? Eric Gagne says so. And Eric Gagne never lies. Does anyone remember this story? How fucking old am I, anyway?
Eric Gagne, LOL.

Maybe some pictures instead?


8.29.2014

might

I might go to the PawSox game on Labor Day.

I still love you.

6.04.2014

6.3.2014 Pawtucket @ Durham - Catcher Interference

Durham Bulls win, 5-2, and they are the AAA affiliate of Tampa Bay. Bulls reliever Adam Liberatore gets the win, even though I think he's related to an umpire? Loss goes to lefty starter for the Red Sox Chris Hernandez.

Hernandez pitched 5 1/3 innings, gave up five runs on four hits. Only two runs were earned, though, because Garin Cecchini made an error that maybe cost Pawtucket the game.

Nate Karns started for Durham. Karns pitched five innings and gave up a run. That was when Pawtucket tied the game. The thing that happened was that Corey Brown hit a solo home run. I may have mentioned that before. And then Hernandez was 1-2-3 at the bottom of the fifth.

So, what the fuck happened? Shut up for a second and I'll tell you. First of all, minor league games tied at 1-1 in the fifth seldom remain that way. Dewon Brazelton and Jeff Suppan were not on the mound, okay? Sixth inning, Christian Vazquez and Travis Shaw hit back-to-back singles to get things heated up for Pawtucket. Vazquez scored on a groundout, and the Red Sox pulled ahead 2-1.

Bottom of the sixth, Hernandez led the inning off by hitting Robby Price with a pitch. Robby Price parks like an asshole, so he probably deserved it. SS Hak-Ju Lee followed with a line drive single. And then RAY FREAKING OLMEDO sac bunted. And he reached!

Bases loaded, no outs for a possibly sweat-drenched Hernandez. I'm just saying, it was 84 degrees at game time. RF Justin Christian reached on a force attempt, boner by Cecchini, Price scores. Center fielder Mikie Mahtook hit a fly ball to right, caught by Brown, Lee tags and scores.

PITCHING CHANGE! Chris Resop gets in the ring to face Jayson Nix. Christian steals second, Nix sac flies, Olmedo scores. Then jerkface Cole Figueroa hit an RBI double. The fans must have been eating this up.

Resop finally got the last out, but Pawtucket was unable to do anything with CJ Riefenhauser or Kirby Yates. DAT NINTH INNING THO. The bases were loaded with only one out, partially due to a catcher interference thing. Wish I could have seen it. But Yates got Betts and Cecchini out to end the game.

Oh yeah Mookie Betts is on the PawSox now so adjust your confetti output accordingly.

two things:
1. Ray Olmedo! Olmedo has spent more than TEN YEARS in the International League. That has to be some kind of record. I'll bet he knows all the Fort Mill hotspots. I wonder if he still talks to Yurendell de Caster?

2. "The hottest pitcher in the Rays organization right now just might be Nate Karns. He entered his outing against Pawtucket with a 1.39 ERA in his previous five starts, striking out 31 while walking just 12 in 32.1 innings pitched." - Robbie Knopf, Rays Colored Glasses. That's right, his hands are never cold.

3. Jeremy Kehrt pitched, so his mom is probably pretty excited about that.

4. Kirby Yates was the 2013 minor league pitcher of the year for TB. I'm not capitalizing that.

5. Here's Rick Medeiros. I like his blog. I realize that now you won't think I'm cool.

TONIGHT! Probably the Babyfaced Killer. Chad Gaudin goes for the Bulls.

(hahaha)

6.03.2014

you'll never deserve my good good words

It's become very popular lately to talk about how out of date professional baseball is. Is everyone on board with this? Baseball is boring and has ludicrous social regulations and etiquette constraints? And things ARE BECOMING FAR WORSE IN THESE BIG-LEAGUE END TIMES?

I generally agree that yes, baseball mysteriously adheres to Civil War-era customs and habits. So? It's been like that for a while now. It's stupid and stuffy, but whatever.

The thing that I feel most weird about is lately I'm wondering who I'm rooting for. The players? Not really. They're a group of dudes I imagine I'd have absolutely nothing in common with. To put it another way: They seem to be largely a right-wing, buck-huntin', god-fearing and shit-kicking bunch of assholes. I'm talking about all the country music kidz from Texas and the Carolinas or wherever the fuck they're churning out these American jocks from.

Yes, but what about the gentlemen whose names end in Z's and O's? I don't know, who did they vote for?  They're not allowed to sit with Brant Cody, Wade Hawkwire, and Connor Jawcrack, durn it. Just look into any baseball dugout; it's like a junior-high English class in Boston.

Not the players, then. Am I rooting for the team? Twenty-five bros who are mostly Not Very Nice to ladies and drive big-dick statusmobiles magically become relatable in a group?  Or is it the miasma of sweat and self-importance a band of meatheads emits? Is "team" a physical object, or just an abstract concept, like "contentment"? I AM TEAM. TEAM IS ALL OF US.

Monday in Norfolk on the water, very free. (Tides/PawSox 6.2.2014)

Norfolk is wonderful and you can, too! Tides take it 3-1. The Tides are the Orioles, if anything just in case, modefoque. And Pawtucket LF Carlos Rivero probably lost the game single-handedly.

Wow, I wish I were back down there... Watching the ships roll in. Chilling with Rocky Cherry and Jose Vaquedano and Travis... Travis... I'm blanking. The skater second baseman. Starts with D. Ferrying over to Portsmouth. And NAUTICUS! I threw blueberry fig bars into the water for the fish. I slept on the airport floor in DC. Well, "slept". I may have partied in a limousine with Ludacris and some roller in a white fur coat.

Nice ballpark, also.

Starting pitcher for the Red Sox was Mean Ol' Matt Barnes. Barnes pitched six innings, gave up three runs (one was unearned) on eight hits. Barnes K'd six and didn't walk anybody.

DENKER!!!!!

Eddie Gamboa pitched five innings and struck out seven PawSox guys, probably because Gamboa's a knuckleball guy. They got one run off Gamboa, but then Kelvin De La Cruz, Tim Alderson, and Evan Meek shut that shit down. Evan Meek, how'd you get in here?

So who wants to talk about the Pawtucket Red Sox generating a run in lovely, seaside weather while I'm toiling up here with no vacation in sight? Oh, me, absolutely. First inning, Corey Brown singles with one out. Brown stole second and made it to third on a passed ball, so that was helpful. Corey Brown would be a lot cuter if he wore glasses and read hardcover books. As it stands, he'll have to be cute enough running home on a sac fly. 1-0 'tuckets.

The Norfolk Tides scored three runs, then Tommy Layne came into the picture. Layne pitched the final two innings and allowed zero runs, but it didn't matter because the PawSox were not Coffee Achievers. And Chris Carter wasn't walking through that door. Furthermore, Carlos Rivero thrice appeared at the plate with two outs/RISP and could not deliver. NOT GREAT, BOB.

Christian Vazquez doubled in the sixth inning. That was as exciting as it got.

two things:
1. Is Tides infielder Buck Britton Drake's brother or something? Did the Brittons name all their kids after animals you blast shotguns at? Do they have a daughter named Grisleigh?

2. Gamboa's a knuckleballer: "Norfolk Tides pitching coach Mike Griffin says Eddie is on the right track. “He’s commanding the knuckleball better than he did at any point and time last year and that’s a major step forward and when you can command the knuckle ball a little bit, your on the right track.” says Griffin." - Norfolk Tides pitching coach Mike Griffin says Eddie is on the right track. “He’s commanding the knuckleball better than he did at any point and time last year and that’s a major step forward and when you can command the knuckle ball a little bit, your on the right track.” says Griffin." - Chris Reckling

3. Holy fuck, if Johan Santana ever came to McCoy Stadium I would lose my mind: "Johnson [That's RJ to you, Flapjack.] said that could line Santana up to pitch for the Tides at home on Monday or Tuesday. On Monday, Santana was put on the club’s 40-man roster and disabled list."  - Excellent game story from David Hall.

TONIGHT. Chris Hernandez will be in Durham, being disrespectful to Nate Karns. Please turn to page Watching Durham Bulls Baseball for all your Durham Bulls needs.

5.27.2014

5.26.2014 Pawtucket Red Sox v Gwinnett Braves - leaving me

Pawtucket beats the Braves, 3-2, and then they all took turns pissing on home plate or whatever jocks do for kicks.

Starting lefty for the Gwinnett Paltrow Braves (can't believe I never thought of that before) was Hector Daniel Rodriguez. I guess he's like one of many Hector Rodriguezeses? Love the name "Hector". HD-Rod pitched seven innings, gave up three runs on seven hits.

(hang on one sec)

Anthony Ranaudo, who seems reasonably decent, pitched for the Red Sox. Ranaudo got a couple of outs in the seventh inning, then made way for Rich Hill. At that point the score was 3-0. Hill pitched the remainder of the game, gave up a couple of runs in the ninth but the PawSox hung in there.

Nobody scored until the fifth inning. Mike McCoy hit an RBI double and then uhhhhh Ryan Roberts homered.

Hill got Todd Cunningham to strike out to end the game.

Some fresh meat: Travis Shaw and Shannon Wilkerson from Portland.

I might go to the game Wednesday, depending on how I feel.

Maybe it's just my hayfever medicine talking, but this is not very interesting, is it?

5.25.2014

Readability

You know what inspires me? Myself. I just read something I wrote about Kevin Appier of all people and it was so damn good I wondered who could have written it.

Answer: Me.

Pawtucket beat Syracuse 4-1. Rich Hill got the win.

I should come back.

I need to get drunk with Steve Hyder and talk about old times.

5.20.2014

5.19.14 The RailRiders are in Pawtucket. RailRiders.

SWB wins 5-3 in ten innings. W goes to reliever Jim Miller with Chris Hernandez taking a sock in the jaw for Pawtucket.

Starter for the PawSox was baby-faced killer Allen Webster. Webster gave up a run on three hits in five innings. He walked three, K'd four. He was apparently not very sharp, as his pitch count was up to 99.

Joel De La Cruz started for the Scranton Wilkes-Barre RailRiders, IL franchise for the MFY. What does it all mean? De La Cruz pitched 5 2/3 and gave up a run to either Ryan Roberts or Daniel Nava.

SWB was up 1-0 until the sixth inning, when Pawtucket chopped out a single with a little help from Daniel Nava. Things were shaky enough at that point that De La Cruz got the boot in favor of reliever Mike Montgomery. Mark Montgomery, sorry.

Bottom of the seventh, Garin Cecchini led off with a single and stole second. Nice work, Choppers. Sexy CF Corey Brown followed with a single of his own. Cecchini scored on a wild pitch, Dan Butler walked in slow motion to first base after four balls. Brown stole third, Ryan Roberts hit an RBI. 3-1!

Oh but this is horrible. In the eighth inning, Drake Britton gave up a two-run homer to tie the game up. Drake Britton looks like the guy I buy weed from, except Drake Britton probably owns an exotic snake.

Tenth inning, Chris Hernandez serving up lefty realness. Hernandez got the first out, then it was single-walk-single-sac fly for the pair that beat the house. Diego Moreno came in to get the last  three outs, gave up a single to Lavarnway but ultimately got Christian Vazquez to ground out to end the game. CONSARN IT!

two things:
1. Second baseman Ryan Roberts went 3-5, in case you care about Ryan Roberts. He was the only Pawtucketer to get an XBH. That's why I wear his jersey to bed and also to work and in the shower.

2. Carlos Rivero is on the PawSox now. This is significant in ways I cannot explain. You haven't lived until you've been snubbed by Carlos Rivero in a dark Syracuse parking lot while being bombarded by blackflies. At any rate, I need to go see Carlos Rivero and his darling arms ASAP.

3. This game was 3.5 hours long. Jesus.

Right now the RailRiders are playing the last game of the homestand. Anthony Ranaudo is pitching v Shane Green. I'm not too proud to say that I have not heard of most of these Yankee farmers.

Buen Provecho!

5.19.2014

5.18.2014 Pawtucket Red Sox v Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees (NYY) - Who is your favorite PawSox?

My favorite PawSox is the one with the biggest you-know-what. OPS is what I mean.

Just kidding, I meant dick.

I'M JOKING. (Not you, Mike McCoy.)

No, I'm not serious, Mike McCoy is pretty ugly and also a prude.

I'M BUSTING, MCCOY. You're hot and probably the easiest lay on the team.

PSYCH! Lavarnway's hot because he hit a home run, but also he's not that great-looking. Word on the street is that his you-know-what is really small.

His OPS, I meant.

For real, though, my favorite PawSox player is Jeff Levering. I heard he needs help taking his clothes off.

No, sorry, that's not what I meant. I was referring to Dan F. Hoard, former radiocaster and now champion of Cincinnati.

WHUUUT DAN HOARD IS NOT EVEN A PLAYER?!? That's because my favorite player is Cecchini, because his teeth are astounding and he gets on base but is probably not as good a fielder as Angel Chavez was or maybe not even Gil Velazquez.

Forget it, Garin Cecchini is such a boring choice. The truth is I don't have a favorite player, but if I did it wouldn't be a jackass like Drake Britton or Alex Hassan.

Yankees win, 3-2. Let's talk about that instead of being scandalous.

Starter for the Pawtuckets was Rubby De La Rosa, of the Virginia De La's. Lovestruck was his mode. Took a look, dropped my textbook...

De La Jenny pitched five innings, gave up nine hits and struck out 8! So his pitch count was probably like 165? I'm assuming Rubby was done after five. Look at him go, look at him go! He gave up two runs, but looks like Rich Hill was the guy who ruined everything.

Starter for SWB was Zach Nuding, who I hate based on his eyebrows alone. Zach Nuding has asshole eyebrows. Nuding pitched 5 2/3 and also allowed two runs.

Get in the car and don't touch nothing. Sit in the car, let's discuss something. THE OFFENSE!

The revolting Yankees started first, and I swear I will never go to their horseshit ballpark. First baseman Kyle Roller led off the second inning with a triple, so bully for Roller. Although he's a fairly recent AA call-up, so I guess he's doing alright for himself.

Roller never made it home, though, because Caucasian shortstop Dean Anna grounded into a fielder's choice. DEAN ANNA PITCHED ONE TIME. Some other stuff happened, catcher Jose Gil hit a two-run single to center that perhaps could have been a double for a non-catcher. 2-0 Scranton.

Pawtucket picked up a run in the third inning by way of a groundout. It was terribly boring. Ryan Lavarnway tied it with a solo home run in the sixth. Say, does Lavarnway still have that dumdum mustache? Because it's so bad.

Top of the eighth, Rich Hill, A Domestic. Whoops, sorry, I intended to say "A Lefty". HBP, single, groundouts, E4, et cetera. 3-2 Scranton Wilkes-Barre.

Game ended when Cecchini grounded into a double play with two men on base. Loss goes to Hill, win goes to reliever Pat Venditte.

two things:
1. Dalier Hinjosa pitched a pair of scoreless innings, so that was nice. Did you know Hinojosa was from "C'uba"? Additionally, it looks like Drake Britton and Alex Wilson are sort of closers. Guh, they deserve each other.

2. Scrankees DH Scott Sizemore struck out 5 times. That's some good DHin'.

3. "The triple was a gapper thart could have been caught: No jump at all. Double was a soft liner past cicchini that should have been stopped. He plays way too far off the line and the single was a bouncer up the middle." - JackieWilsonsaid

In fact, here's the poetry and insight of Sox Prospects user JackieWilsonsaid in its entirety:

Let's hope my next aw sox game is Marrero Betts not Mccoy roberts

Just back from paw sox.

Not a lot to see here.

Cecchini and nava and pray formally ups.

All the taaa filler is exactly that.

Lacarnway looks very bulky yet his at bats are weak.
The hr was left field linens barely out.

Cechhini needs to hut exceptionally well as his d is non existent. At 3rd and hopefully you may be able to hide him in left.
No not at all
Thereof runs were scored on a single.

There were no running catches in the if.

One ball was a legit double.

When he bears down the fastball pops and the change is silly .

When he doesn't early on counts the ball is in play.

The hole team was a bit life less.
Real matinee feel.

Nava is lost down here and was the only of with any d.

His status is sad
 4. Headline says "Venditti" because there is no true justice in this world.
5. And then there's "Vidette".

RailRiders. Wow, I am such a fuckup. Not the Yankees, the RailRiders. I guess I'd better get my pay docked! Oh, wait, I don't get paid! I make zero point zero zero dollars doing this! 

I could make money with some clickbait? EIGHT PAWSOX PLAYERS YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE GAY

THE PAWSOX PLAYERS' WEIRD WEIGHT-LOSS SECRETS

FIVE MOST FATTENING MENU ITEMS FROM MCCOY STADIUM

BRANDON WORKMAN'S SCANDALOUS SEX TAPE REVEALED!!!!!

TWELVE SHOCKING STORIES FROM THE PAWSOX BULLPEN

SECRET TOXIC INGREDIENT IN SUNFLOWER SEEDS IS KILLING OUR CHILDREN, SAYS DANIEL NAVA

Tonight the RailRiders are still in town so you just enjoy that and shut your fucking mouth. I'm going downtown to get drunk.

PAZ AFUERA.

5.10.2014

5.7.2014 Pawtucket Red Sox v Toledo Mud Hens (DET) - The Last Good Game

Toledo wins, 4-0, on the back of beloved minor leaguer Mike Hessman. Mike Hessman forever, man. I should have stayed after the game so I could talk to him. And the Mud Hens aren't coming back so there goes my opportunity.

Starting pitcher for the Pawtucket Sox was Brandon Workman, who pitched very well indeed. I know, he gave up four home runs. But he was throwing strikes? Yeah? Plus he had to face Hessman who truly could not be tamed.

Workman pitched seven innings, gave up four runs on four hits, threw 87 pitches with 57 of 'em being el strike-o's. Looked pretty good.

You know who looked better? Kyle Lobstein. That little lefty got nine K's and didn't allow any runs through 6 1/3. He threw 100 pitches, DAMN SON!

Here's a picture of The Lobster:
Hessman hit two home runs, Ben Guez hit one and Tyler Collins hit one.

Chad Smith and Jose Ortega provided stellar relief for Toledo.

I was at this game! A baby came as well, he seemed pretty absorbed in the game even though he is only eight months old. I didn't see the rooster guy, though.

I'm talking about this game even though it's a few days old because it's probably going to be the Last Good Game. If you haven't noticed, I am dying of boredom here.

two things:
1. "Would rather have . . .
. . . Kyle Hardthrowingstein" - Genius comment on the Bless You Boys Lobstein breakdown. Read it!

2. Dan Butler was the catcher in this game. I want me and Dan Butler to get an apartment together. I think he could help me quite a bit with my finances. He could be my life coach. He could be my personal trainer. In return I would allow him to have sex with me most nights and the occasional morning. And he can watch whatever he wants on television. NO SMOKING/PETS.

3. Ryan Roberts hit a double and Garin Cecchini hit a double. So Cecchini has a brother named Gavin who is also a baseball player? Revolting. I hate you, Cecchini's parents.

4. Alex Wilson and Chris Hernandez were relievers who served scoreless realness.

Goodbye.

5.05.2014

5.4.2014 Pawtucket Red Sox v Indianapolis Indians (PIT) - Indiana Here I Come

Red Sox take it, 3-2. Win goes to lefty Chris Hernandez in relief. Cody Eppley, A Reliever, takes the loss.

Starter for the PawSox was righty Allen Webster, who has a wicked bad temper but has never hit a lady. Webster gave up two runs on seven hits, pitched into the seventh inning OH MY GOD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL BEN CHERINGTON A PAWTUCKET STARTER WENT WAY TOO DEEP ALSO 98 PITCHES IS MENTAL.

Starter for the Indianapolis was Randy "Jay" Jackson. I suppose I would also go by "Jay" if my name were Randy Jackson. "HAY RANDY WHAT REALLY HAPPENED WITH MICHAEL HAW HAW HAWRRR"

And holy shit, a starting pitcher that's not white. In Rhode Island! I wonder how Jackie Robinson would regard the state of OB these days?

Jackson pitched six innings and only allowed two runs.

The game was tied at one until the seventh, when the Indians pulled ahead 2-1. The PawSox tied it up in the bottom half of the seventh, then pulled ahead for good...

No, that's all wrong. The game was tied at one until the sixth, when Garin Cecchini hit an RBI single. The Indians tied it in the seventh, but the PawSox pulled ahead for good in the bottom of that inning. Doesn't that sound like something you'd do to check for gentleman cancer? THIS MAY, PULL A HEAD FOR GOOD!

What's with all the caps? I'M VERY INTERESTED IN SHOUTING. I'M MORE INTERESTING THAN A WET PUSSYCAT!

Seventh inning, Daniel Nava hit an RBI single. He did it for Jesus.

two things:
1. Ryan Lavarnway went 3-4. Ryan Roberts doubled. I'm more interesting than both those guys combined.

2. Read this informative article about Jay Jackson.

I wish I had a better outlet for my creativity than this PawSox junk. I need a real hobby.