let's go

Today I'm going to CT, even though Connecticut is a terrible black hole.


you poked my heart

Please try to be a better bartender, asshole.


I forgot how to walk

I took a good, long look at Madison Bumgarner and didn't feel much.

I did enjoy the KC center fielder.

Why don't they let African-Americans play baseball any more?


A Few Lines from "Infinite Jest"

"'The girl's name's Tina something and she'll come up to about your knee.'

'Echt,' Avril said, looking at something on a printout.

Hal looked at her while she chewed. 'You don't like her already?'

'Tina Echt, Pawtucket. Father apparently some sort of unleavened baker, mother a public relations person for the Red Sox A.A.A. baseball there.'

Hal had to wipe his chin as he smiled. 'Triple-A. Not A.A.A.'"

(related: Squiggy Story)


Maybe I've forgotten...

Pawtucket reaches championship, is rained on and dies.


Annual Septemberish melancholy. And nostalgia! Nostalgiacholy? I should have. I should have been there.

Doesn't the baseball season poke its finger into October? I remember Camden Yards in October! No October games this year? What am I going to do?

What I am going to do is go to Fenway next week in mittens for a PBE and hope it soothes me. I suspect it won't be too hard to find tix. I will trade this ugly framed picture of an owl for Red Sox tickets:

Yes, that is my ugly wallpaper from 1963. And technically that picture isn't mine. My landlord hung it in my stairwell. He is now deceased so I suppose I inherited it.

If I don't get tickets for it I will dissemble the picture on live television to reveal what is probably wads of cash hidden in the frame.

Ha, ha.



Devern Hansack is my neighbor.

Devern Hansack pitched for the Pawtucket Red Sox in 2007 and 2008. He was my Favourite. And then he disappeared. I assumed he'd returned to his little seaside town in Nicaragua and fired up his lobstering vessel and lived out the rest of his days basking in the sun, growing old and weathered and perhaps working on his memoirs.

WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG! I set up an alert a long time ago, so if Hansack somehow popped up on the internet, I'd get an email. And then nothing more. Years passed.

SUDDENLY! The maid screamed. In my box, a message. And this! Hansack throws out the first pitch at a Sea Dogs game! He looks incredible! And guess what? He's been living in MAINE this whole time! ALL THIS TIME! And I've been to Maine here and there... I'm flabbergasted. Me and Devern could have been kickin it and smokin blunts all summer long. I'll bet he has a deck.

I surmised that Hansack had met a local lady while he was on the Sea Dogs and that he'd wifed up and decided to live the rest of his days in Vacationland. I was right, of course. Further investigation revealed that Hansack was hired by U Maine Farmington as their pitching coach about a year ago.

I'm inordinately amped by all of this. YEAH 39!!!

Let's take a look back at all the witty, incisive stuff I said about DBH:

1. Did Devern Hansack intentionally peg Mariano Rivera with a baseball at Fenway? Eric Gagne says so. And Eric Gagne never lies. Does anyone remember this story? How fucking old am I, anyway?
Eric Gagne, LOL.

Maybe some pictures instead?



I might go to the PawSox game on Labor Day.

I still love you.


6.3.2014 Pawtucket @ Durham - Catcher Interference

Durham Bulls win, 5-2, and they are the AAA affiliate of Tampa Bay. Bulls reliever Adam Liberatore gets the win, even though I think he's related to an umpire? Loss goes to lefty starter for the Red Sox Chris Hernandez.

Hernandez pitched 5 1/3 innings, gave up five runs on four hits. Only two runs were earned, though, because Garin Cecchini made an error that maybe cost Pawtucket the game.

Nate Karns started for Durham. Karns pitched five innings and gave up a run. That was when Pawtucket tied the game. The thing that happened was that Corey Brown hit a solo home run. I may have mentioned that before. And then Hernandez was 1-2-3 at the bottom of the fifth.

So, what the fuck happened? Shut up for a second and I'll tell you. First of all, minor league games tied at 1-1 in the fifth seldom remain that way. Dewon Brazelton and Jeff Suppan were not on the mound, okay? Sixth inning, Christian Vazquez and Travis Shaw hit back-to-back singles to get things heated up for Pawtucket. Vazquez scored on a groundout, and the Red Sox pulled ahead 2-1.

Bottom of the sixth, Hernandez led the inning off by hitting Robby Price with a pitch. Robby Price parks like an asshole, so he probably deserved it. SS Hak-Ju Lee followed with a line drive single. And then RAY FREAKING OLMEDO sac bunted. And he reached!

Bases loaded, no outs for a possibly sweat-drenched Hernandez. I'm just saying, it was 84 degrees at game time. RF Justin Christian reached on a force attempt, boner by Cecchini, Price scores. Center fielder Mikie Mahtook hit a fly ball to right, caught by Brown, Lee tags and scores.

PITCHING CHANGE! Chris Resop gets in the ring to face Jayson Nix. Christian steals second, Nix sac flies, Olmedo scores. Then jerkface Cole Figueroa hit an RBI double. The fans must have been eating this up.

Resop finally got the last out, but Pawtucket was unable to do anything with CJ Riefenhauser or Kirby Yates. DAT NINTH INNING THO. The bases were loaded with only one out, partially due to a catcher interference thing. Wish I could have seen it. But Yates got Betts and Cecchini out to end the game.

Oh yeah Mookie Betts is on the PawSox now so adjust your confetti output accordingly.

two things:
1. Ray Olmedo! Olmedo has spent more than TEN YEARS in the International League. That has to be some kind of record. I'll bet he knows all the Fort Mill hotspots. I wonder if he still talks to Yurendell de Caster?

2. "The hottest pitcher in the Rays organization right now just might be Nate Karns. He entered his outing against Pawtucket with a 1.39 ERA in his previous five starts, striking out 31 while walking just 12 in 32.1 innings pitched." - Robbie Knopf, Rays Colored Glasses. That's right, his hands are never cold.

3. Jeremy Kehrt pitched, so his mom is probably pretty excited about that.

4. Kirby Yates was the 2013 minor league pitcher of the year for TB. I'm not capitalizing that.

5. Here's Rick Medeiros. I like his blog. I realize that now you won't think I'm cool.

TONIGHT! Probably the Babyfaced Killer. Chad Gaudin goes for the Bulls.



you'll never deserve my good good words

It's become very popular lately to talk about how out of date professional baseball is. Is everyone on board with this? Baseball is boring and has ludicrous social regulations and etiquette constraints? And things ARE BECOMING FAR WORSE IN THESE BIG-LEAGUE END TIMES?

I generally agree that yes, baseball mysteriously adheres to Civil War-era customs and habits. So? It's been like that for a while now. It's stupid and stuffy, but whatever.

The thing that I feel most weird about is lately I'm wondering who I'm rooting for. The players? Not really. They're a group of dudes I imagine I'd have absolutely nothing in common with. To put it another way: They seem to be largely a right-wing, buck-huntin', god-fearing and shit-kicking bunch of assholes. I'm talking about all the country music kidz from Texas and the Carolinas or wherever the fuck they're churning out these American jocks from.

Yes, but what about the gentlemen whose names end in Z's and O's? I don't know, who did they vote for?  They're not allowed to sit with Brant Cody, Wade Hawkwire, and Connor Jawcrack, durn it. Just look into any baseball dugout; it's like a junior-high English class in Boston.

Not the players, then. Am I rooting for the team? Twenty-five bros who are mostly Not Very Nice to ladies and drive big-dick statusmobiles magically become relatable in a group?  Or is it the miasma of sweat and self-importance a band of meatheads emits? Is "team" a physical object, or just an abstract concept, like "contentment"? I AM TEAM. TEAM IS ALL OF US.

Monday in Norfolk on the water, very free. (Tides/PawSox 6.2.2014)

Norfolk is wonderful and you can, too! Tides take it 3-1. The Tides are the Orioles, if anything just in case, modefoque. And Pawtucket LF Carlos Rivero probably lost the game single-handedly.

Wow, I wish I were back down there... Watching the ships roll in. Chilling with Rocky Cherry and Jose Vaquedano and Travis... Travis... I'm blanking. The skater second baseman. Starts with D. Ferrying over to Portsmouth. And NAUTICUS! I threw blueberry fig bars into the water for the fish. I slept on the airport floor in DC. Well, "slept". I may have partied in a limousine with Ludacris and some roller in a white fur coat.

Nice ballpark, also.

Starting pitcher for the Red Sox was Mean Ol' Matt Barnes. Barnes pitched six innings, gave up three runs (one was unearned) on eight hits. Barnes K'd six and didn't walk anybody.


Eddie Gamboa pitched five innings and struck out seven PawSox guys, probably because Gamboa's a knuckleball guy. They got one run off Gamboa, but then Kelvin De La Cruz, Tim Alderson, and Evan Meek shut that shit down. Evan Meek, how'd you get in here?

So who wants to talk about the Pawtucket Red Sox generating a run in lovely, seaside weather while I'm toiling up here with no vacation in sight? Oh, me, absolutely. First inning, Corey Brown singles with one out. Brown stole second and made it to third on a passed ball, so that was helpful. Corey Brown would be a lot cuter if he wore glasses and read hardcover books. As it stands, he'll have to be cute enough running home on a sac fly. 1-0 'tuckets.

The Norfolk Tides scored three runs, then Tommy Layne came into the picture. Layne pitched the final two innings and allowed zero runs, but it didn't matter because the PawSox were not Coffee Achievers. And Chris Carter wasn't walking through that door. Furthermore, Carlos Rivero thrice appeared at the plate with two outs/RISP and could not deliver. NOT GREAT, BOB.

Christian Vazquez doubled in the sixth inning. That was as exciting as it got.

two things:
1. Is Tides infielder Buck Britton Drake's brother or something? Did the Brittons name all their kids after animals you blast shotguns at? Do they have a daughter named Grisleigh?

2. Gamboa's a knuckleballer: "Norfolk Tides pitching coach Mike Griffin says Eddie is on the right track. “He’s commanding the knuckleball better than he did at any point and time last year and that’s a major step forward and when you can command the knuckle ball a little bit, your on the right track.” says Griffin." - Norfolk Tides pitching coach Mike Griffin says Eddie is on the right track. “He’s commanding the knuckleball better than he did at any point and time last year and that’s a major step forward and when you can command the knuckle ball a little bit, your on the right track.” says Griffin." - Chris Reckling

3. Holy fuck, if Johan Santana ever came to McCoy Stadium I would lose my mind: "Johnson [That's RJ to you, Flapjack.] said that could line Santana up to pitch for the Tides at home on Monday or Tuesday. On Monday, Santana was put on the club’s 40-man roster and disabled list."  - Excellent game story from David Hall.

TONIGHT. Chris Hernandez will be in Durham, being disrespectful to Nate Karns. Please turn to page Watching Durham Bulls Baseball for all your Durham Bulls needs.


5.26.2014 Pawtucket Red Sox v Gwinnett Braves - leaving me

Pawtucket beats the Braves, 3-2, and then they all took turns pissing on home plate or whatever jocks do for kicks.

Starting lefty for the Gwinnett Paltrow Braves (can't believe I never thought of that before) was Hector Daniel Rodriguez. I guess he's like one of many Hector Rodriguezeses? Love the name "Hector". HD-Rod pitched seven innings, gave up three runs on seven hits.

(hang on one sec)

Anthony Ranaudo, who seems reasonably decent, pitched for the Red Sox. Ranaudo got a couple of outs in the seventh inning, then made way for Rich Hill. At that point the score was 3-0. Hill pitched the remainder of the game, gave up a couple of runs in the ninth but the PawSox hung in there.

Nobody scored until the fifth inning. Mike McCoy hit an RBI double and then uhhhhh Ryan Roberts homered.

Hill got Todd Cunningham to strike out to end the game.

Some fresh meat: Travis Shaw and Shannon Wilkerson from Portland.

I might go to the game Wednesday, depending on how I feel.

Maybe it's just my hayfever medicine talking, but this is not very interesting, is it?