Carl Pavano probably smokes his own meat.
Back from some time in NH/VT. I attended the Granite State Baseball Dinner, where no one could say enough about what an exemplary human being Chris Carpenter is. He came all the way from his vacation to attend the function, because he's so fucking awesome.
Yes, that was the kind of thing I had to listen to. I didn't barf at the time, but saved it for the early morning hours. Must have been all the tonic I drank.
Some people at my table were friends with Bernie Carbo and he kept swinging by to chat. He is practically a minister at this point, possibly by way of twelve-stepping. In case anyone out there still gives a shit about Bernie Carbo. I much prefer Kenny Rogers.
I had an autograph assignment and my target was Jarrod Saltalamacchia. He wore glasses and fine men's cufflinks. I should have asked him if he did his laundry at the ballpark. His handler would probably just have tapped the sign.
During post-prandial conversation at the hotel bar, I learned that Pirates pitcher Jeff Locke is stressed out and losing weight. There is something wrong with him. So if you're a Locke fan, prepare for that. I wasn't eavesdropping... Someone told me, all over my FACE!
Here comes the Carl Pavano part! So I guess Carl Pavano lives in Vermont. Like my mom! At any rate, I stopped at a general store for like, maple syrup or cider or cheese or whatever. Fucking country shortbread or whatever, you know, it's fucking Vermont. And since I was wearing my fly Twins jacket, the dude at the deli was all, YEAH TWINS KIRBY PUCKETT!!!!
The deli master then revealed that Carl Pavano shops there, buys shotgun shells and junk. Because he's all rugged and not some fussy fancy-pants like Brad Radke or Eddie Guardado. "Wouldn't it be cool if he came in while you were here? He could sign your jacket!"
Yeah, maybe. I doubt I would have recognized him because, hello, I'm in Hillbilly Junction, Vermont. I certainly don't expect a former World Champion Marlins starter to walk in and buy like deer jerky. Later on I looked at pictures of Pavano and I don't know, is he hot? Because he looks kinda hot and I thought he was a mullion. Also, I left that store smelling like smoked moose hooves.
Oh, PS, the Vermont flood damage is no joke, folks. I was in a hard-hit area and I was shocked at the wreckage. Carl Pavano helped out and maybe I should, too. I don't want to be outdone by someone like that.
I'm back from vacation so I will start posting in earnest. Thanks for sticking around.