2012 Pawtucket Red Sox Hot Stove Party: Why It Was Off the Hook
What made the 2012 Pawtucket Red Sox Hot Stove party the greatest one I have ever been to?
a) Luis Exposito's Atwells Avenue hair
b) All the free Cheez Puffies you could cram into your wordhole
c) Free minty cocoa shots to stave off the brutal, stabbing ice wind
d) Heaven on earth for New England metal folding chair fetishists!
NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO! Let me tell you in great detail why it was wonderful and beautacious and tubular.
Okay, Luis Exposito's hair was a pretty big factor... Almost as important as Alex Wilson's ugly cowboy boots. Although his boots may be very nice, I don't know, I'm not from a red state. But the greatest thing of all was the Visitor's Clubhouse featuring a town hall-style forum led by Mike Tamburro and Lou Schwechheimer! It was the greatest thing I have ever seen! All you had to do was raise your hand and suggest something and the gents took it under advisement! Like the one guy who was all, "Yes, I have a question. The hamburgers suck!" And Mike Tamburro like, wrote it down!
It was terrific. There were some good ideas. One woman was like, hey, how about a pitch count on the scoreboard, WHICH WAS EXACTLY WHAT MY SUGGESTION WOULD HAVE BEEN!!! Who was this amazing mystery woman and why is she not my best friend and drinking buddy? (Note: they are working on it.)
One really brainless idea: A woman said they should let the season ticket holders in before everyone else. So Tamburro was all, okay, when do you think they should let them in?
The woman's response? "Like fifteen minutes before everyone else." What? What exactly is the point other than to just waltz in in front of everybody and flaunt privilege? There can be no other reason because why else would you want that? So you can piss in an unsullied toilet? So you can be first in line for a hot dog?
How about you just make yourself a pageant sash that says, "I GET TO GO IN BEFORE YOU"?
Mike Tamburro is the greatest. I wish he were my neighbor.
In a related story, new radio guy Aaron Goldsmith was out and about, fielding questions and shaking hands and whatnot. I sympathize with him a little bit, since Danny Hoard left some big pants to fill. Goldsmith may have a little edge in the moss department, though, because his hair is unstoppable. I am optimistic and look forward to the first radiocast!
1. Games you might wanna check out include May 28-31 (Ron Johnson returns to McCoy Stadium as manager of the Tides), August 14-17 (PawSox play Scrankees as visitors in Pawtucket), and April 20-23 (Durham Bulls make sole visit to Rhode Island.) There may be others, depending on what you're into.
2. Alex Wilson was the least boring special guest player. Brandon Duckworth looks like he lost weight... Did anyone see that? Was it my imagination? HELLO?!
3. Arnie Beyeler said he knew who the PawSox 2012 hitting coach was going to be, but would not budge on details. Beyeler also looks trimmer. Also, if you know who Cookie Rojas is, damn! That guy must have spent 1000 hours at the gym.
4. I love that it was at night! The past couple of years it's been restrictively crowded and almost unpleasant. This year it was comfy, streamlined, organized. Terrific job, everybody.
I miss Bob.