you needed me

Sometimes, at the end of the baseball season, a newspaper might do a team assessment article and give school-grades from A to F to all the players, the manager, and the team as a whole. Cute, right?

I don't want to do that. I can't even remember any outfielders... well, the sight of Chris Carter lummoxing around in left or right will never fade. But other than that... okay, I remember Sean Danielson, who only played in like, four games. But he was friendly, like the kid next door to you who is also your paper boy.

Except Danielson is totally secretly freaky! AWWWW YEEAAAAH!!!

In lieu of player assessment (no one's getting above a 'C' anyway), I'm gonna grade items of miscellany.

OVERALL 2009 MCCOY STADIUM EXPERIENCE: C+. It rained a lot. (The Yankees ballpark was rendered a stank quagmire and a total embarrassment because of it.) Julio Lugo came with the rain and left in a cloud. Something on the first base side smelled perpetually like hair relaxing chemicals. The alternative food stand was closed a lot. Angel Chavez blew off the fans all year, without a fraction of Billy Traber's assholish panache. I cried into my scorecard.

ALTERNATE BALLPARK ENTERTAINMENT: B+. Hello, Star Wars Day? Bob Dylan played as well, but I didn't go even though I'm wildly wealthy. Also, Dontrelle Willis showed up! YES.

PARKING: A. I always get killer parking spots.

P.A. GUY: B+. I love this guy. I can still hear the former P.A. guy saying, "Here is tonight's Citgo Hot Seat Quiz game!" But the newer guy, well, he's terrific. I should know his name.

BILLY TRABER'S PERSONALITY: A+! Kind of weird, kind of an asshole, yet lovable and talented. This is why he has so many more friends than Jeff Natale does.

POSTER NIGHT: C-. Held indoors due to rain. I think the first autograph I got was Junichi Tazawa. Weak.

BULLPEN ANTICS: D. They grew tomato plants, flipped cups around, tossed pieces of paper. ZZZZZZZ.

VISITING TEAM EXCITEMENT: D. Way too many Iron Pigs games. Come on, now.

SCOREBOARD EXTRAS: B-. I liked the players going over the rules and regs, even if toward the end of the year, half the guys were gone. I enjoyed the way Chip Ambres said "running rowdyism" when he was listing ballpark infractions as if it were one concept. I may have to work it into a conversation. "Last Saturday my sister and I were totally running rowdyism downtown!" And who can forget Gil Velazquez' star turn when he said, "Keep cell phone conversations private"?

WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN INNINGS: B-. They're still doing the fifth inning Mighty Molar Soft Toss, where Paws and Sox toss/shoot balls into the stands. My question is this: Who is Mighty Molar? What does he/she have to do with anything? WHO IS MIGHTY MOLAR?!

Also between innings: The trivia question, GBA, birthdays, Carly Simon, and, sadly, Sweet Caroline. Sometimes a Boston score update.

Wish me luck.

Aaron Bates update. Gil Velazquez update. Ivan Ochoa update.

Aaron Bates has been on the 60 day DL since 9/28.

Gil Velazquez is a coach at the Las Vegas baseball Acadamy. He was in Mexicali getting ready to play baseball before he was called up, but it doesn't seem like he returned.

Ivan Ochoa is playing winter ball, possibly in Venezuela.

Mysterious Players who Appeared in the 2006 PawSox official Program

1. David Bacani - Eentsy utility infielder who last played for Portland in 2007. Was last spotted in the independent leagues (Orange County Flyers). Boston picked him up in the AAA rule 5 draft from the Mets in 2005.

2. Randy Beam - Randall Cartee(?) Beam last pitched for Portland in 2006. Disappeared for a while but resurfaced in 2009 with the Pensacola Pelicans (IND).

3. Chris Durbin - Outfielder who last played in Portland in 2006. I saw him at one of the Xmas parties. He quit baseball. He just quit. Creepy.

4. Pat Magness - WHO?! DH/1B/corner outfielder type who was released by the org in 2006 without playing a single game for us. Last seen in the independent leagues (Kansas City T-Bones)in 2008. Again, WHO?!

5. Josh Pressley - Played seven games at first base for Pawtucket in 2006. Another guy doing the independent thing.

6. Victor Ramos - RHP, worked 29 games in Portland in 2006 and was released in July of that year. Could be dead for all I know.

7. Cameron Reimers - Big RHP from Montana. Kinda sexy. Drafted as a minor league free agent in January '06, then released that April. Then nothing more. Aw.

8. Jason Richardson - RHP picked up from the Braves in the AAA rule 5. Actually pitched in two games for Pawtucket in '06. I cannot believe I have forgotten this guy. Currently in the Atlantic League, which is the fanciest of the independents. Their rosters are STACKED, unlike the small potatoes Can-Am League.

9. Jon Searles - RHP signed as a minor league FA. Was a reliever in Portland in 2006 and then moved on. Last seen... yeah, you get the idea.

That was so exciting! I'm easing my way back in, guys.

I love you so much.

Unexpected PawSox players

1. Enrique Wilson
2. Junior Spivey
3. Bobby Kielty
4. Jason Lane
5. Joey Gathright
6. Hee-Seop Choi
7. Ken Huckaby
8. Royce Clayton
9. Dustan Mohr
10. Runelvys Hernandez
11. Alex Prieto
12. Joe McEwing
13. Kerry Robinson
14. Alex Ochoa
15. Michael Tucker
16. Shawn Wooten
17. Jeremi Gonzalez
18. Josh Wilson

Dustan Mohr was a jerk!

Chris Carter designated for assignment.

The funny thing is, I doubt Carter has even left Rhode Island. The thought of him hanging around down near the beach creeps me out.

Everybody loved that guy and it was disgusting. I found his overly-friendly good guy demeanor highly suspect. It came off phony.

Great hitter! Great son! Big, strong kid! Probably very smart. Probably a perfectly great guy. Yet still, kind of a tool.

And kind of a terrorist.

Come for the girlfriends. Stay for the quality.

Still nothing going on, so let's check out some search terms!

1. "jimmy smits snl skit" - Oh, hell, there's only one worth anything. And it involves enchiladas and the Broncos.

2. "heavy bike pitchers" - People are throwing bikes? I'm not sure I understand.

3. "the yankees are champions of baseball" - Sure.

4. "they said three times a lady, i say three times your crazy. too dumb with messin around, baseball love three strikes your out" - I'm not sure I know that song.

5. "baseball heave" - Too much crappy beer at the park.

6. "i am gonna kill myself" - Don't do it!

7. "darnell dawkins so solid" - I totally agree.

8. "helton skelton" - Go ROCKIES@!!!!!

9. "pawtucket sucks" - No suh!

10. "ryan westmoreland/zack segovia/jeff natale/freddy guzman/mike cervenak/tj large/logan kensing/craig breslow/matt tolbert girlfriend" - Please, what is it with the girlfriend thing?

That's it.

I totally get it now!

This is my rendition of the Pawtucket home bullpen. As you can see, this year's team spray painted some kind of effed up code below the seats.

"S m" to the far right was generally Javier Lopez' seat. I think the 'X' in the box was the spot for the water cooler.

What does it all mean?

Maybe the 'T' is for towels, and that's where they wanted the towels. Maybe 'T' was Hunter Jones' stupid nickname? Or whoever usually sat there, maybe it was Vaquedano.

I enjoy crossword puzzles and cryptograms, so this is a terrific puzzler for me. J+V? WHAT.

Aaron Bates' story, which may have a moral.

Aaron Bates was pitching in Little League. He was doing really well, either a no-hitter or maybe a shutout? And then some kid came up and hit the game winning run. It may have been a home run or whatever.

Bates could not be too upset, though, because the kid's father was in the hospital, dying.

I was there when Bates told this story. I stopped paying attention about halfway through it. I thought he would never shut up. That's why I'm fuzzy on the details. Also, Aaron Bates may have been totally high.

Brace yourself for more pointless anecdotes. It's all I have at this point.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down!

Rochester Red Wings manager Stan Cliburn's contract is not being renewed. I'll bet he's super pissed off! I wonder who will take over? I'm distraught.

I just read in the Boston newspaper that the Connecticut Defenders will not return to Norwich, CT. They're just figuring that out now?

Hunter Jones is in Boston now, being boring. RJ is in Boston now, being gregarious.

I must try harder to update.

unspeakable

Bronson Arroyo threw a perfect game in Pawtucket in 2003. It was great. He just seemed like a skinny youngster you could root for. I really liked him!

Then one day, I saw him on the sports channel being interviewed. It was during an off day for Boston. And at the end of the interview, he whipped his guitar out and started singing "If you could only see the way she loves me... maybe you would understand..." GAAAAH MY EARS!!!

One word: TRAUMATIC. I was absolutely horrified and I could never really root for Arroyo again. He went on to release a CD of cover songs and play at Foxwoods and stuff. It was completely ridiculous. I'll bet he thought he was hot shit.

I hope no baseball players ever do something like this again.

Durham Bulls take game 2 in the Governor's Cup finals!

This is not double A.

I noticed the occasional Homer Simpson yelp during some of the latter Pawtucket games this summer. You know... the visiting pitcher throws over to first to keep the runner honest (you have to kind of imagine that the PawSox had real, actual baserunners this summer) and suddenly you hear "BO-RING!" over the PA.

Don't do that. That's something they do at Defenders games. Don't lower yourself like that, McCoy Stadium.

Durham Bulls take game 1 of the Governor's Cup Finals v Yankees.

Russ Morman (finger throat slash)

Pawtucket Red Sox hitting coach Russ Morman was shitcanned while Pawtucket was playing their last game in Syracuse. Yes, staff members went out there and did it, like, immediately after the last game ended. This should not have been a surprise to me, but it was a little bit.

I wonder if Russ saw the guys coming and made a run for it? Did he end up running down an alley and up against a chain-link fence? Did he try to hide in a dumpster?

I would have more wistful feelings about Morman's dismissal if I knew anything about him or had any recollection of who he was. He was not brash and swaggery like Rich Sauveur, I don't think.

Get you playoff tickets!

So I received an e-mail titled "CT Defenders in the Playoff". Check it out!

"I'm Sure you have heard the news, but the CT Defenders are in the playoffs. The CT Defenders will take on the New Britain Rock Cats today and tomorrow at dodd stadium and if need be Saturday the 13th. Tickets will be regular price for the playoffs, so come out and join us.

You can order you tickets a head of time or come the day of the game, whatever is easier for you.

Call us at 860-887-7962

Thanks

Kyle Spencer
Group Sales intern
CT Defenders"

Kyle... spellcheck? Or at least have someone look it over?

Anyway, I wish I could go! But thanks.

Pawtucket Red Sox (PawSox) 2010 Schedule

It's not out yet.

But here's what I have:

Opening series: 8/8 - 8/11 Opening Homestand v Rochester Red Wings (MIN)

April 14-16 Away! Playing in Buffalo

April 17-20 More away in New York, a Rochester series(es)

April 23-26 Back at home, more Buffalo.

April 27-30 Homestand continues v Indianapolis Indians (Pirates)

May 1-4 Pawtucket goes to Georgia for hot, wet Braves action. Riaan Spanjer-Furstenberg!!!

May 10-13 Homestand, Braves return the favor and come to naked, barely legal Pawtucket.

May 14-17 PawSox still at home, playing Syracuse. Neither Jeff Natale's nor Travis Denker's girlfriend will be there.

June 8-11 Pawtucket goes to Indiana! Put on your nude pantyhose and cum to the game!

June 25-28 Pawtucket returns to Syracuse. LOU MERLONI GIRLFRIEND

CRAIG BRESLOW GIRLFRIEND! HOW HEAVY IS A BASEBALL!!

July 8-9 Two games at home versus Rochester. Right around fireworks at McCoy Stadium time!

July 10-11 Followed by the Syracuse deuce

August 13-16 Buffalo comes to Pawtucket

August 21-25 Pawtucket goes to Buffalo. Ryan Westmoreland does not. Wait, that's five games!?

August 26-29 @ Rochester. Damn, these guys go to New York a lot.

August 30-31 Red Wings come to McCoy

September (call ups) 5-6 At home v Syracuse.

NICK GREEN!!!

9.7.09 Pawtucket Red Sox @ Syracuse Chiefs (WAS)

Syracuse WINS! 5-3. Syracuse the city LOSES! population. Have I ripped on Syracuse enough? It has a nice fountain that you can ride your bike through. But the only time I wanna see Syracuse again is if they're being crushed by the PC Friars. Oh yeah, IT HAPPENED!!!

Chiefs starter Shairon Martis was almost on the hook for a loss. Enrique Gonzalez could have won this game, but TJ Large blew the save in the eighth inning. Large loaded up the bases before getting an out... but then, Ian Desmond grounded into a force so Leonard Davis was out at home (good job, Jed Lowrie). But Gustavo Molina hit a ground rule double, scoring a pair of Chiefs.

Large followed all of that up with an intentional walk to Mike Daniel. Right. Who? But Dennis Hopper had a productive groundout, scoring Norma Desmond. The very large and very frightening Daryle Ward was the next batter, and I would have been shitting myself, but Ward grounded out to second to end the inning. 5-3 Pawtucket and Logan Kensing shut it down in the ninth, facing Bates, Denker, and Danielson. FIN.

arcane string:
1. Chris Carter went 3-4 with a double. Mark Wagner hit a two-run single in the sixth.
2. Jose Vaquedano pitched two scoreless innings.
3. Big Brad Eldred hit a home run. Imagine if he laid down on top of me? SQUISH!!!
4. Angel Chavez did not play again. I have to wonder if he was held back from the road trip, much like McBeth and Lopez.
5. And so it begins: Dusty Brown gets a call from Boston. It should have been Maldonado. No, I will not get over it.
6. Enrique Gonzalez has freckles. You can't really tell unless you look closely. It is darling.
7. The Chiefs did not make the playoffs, but they finished over .500.
8. Kensing, Desmond, Zack Segovia, Marco Estrada, and Ross Detwiler were all called up to Washington.
9. After the game, several Chiefs players tossed their hats into the stands.

Tonight! Kris Johnson v Drew Carpenter! Or Zink v Jack Egbert? Wait, you mean I'm all finished? I don't have to make out the lineups which I fucking hate doing because the first names are not listed on the minor league web site and I can't allow myself to just put the last names? And how am I supposed to remember everyone's first name? Who Davis? Who Garcia? And is it Barbaro Canizares or Andy Cannizaro?

SEE YA!!!!!

9.6.09 Pawtucket @ Syracuse

12-5 PawSox. Hang on, let me check that again... yes, 12-5.

Lefty Jack Spradlin was the somewhat unfortunate starter for Syracuse. Spradlin only pitched 4 innings. And it's not like his pitch count was astronomical, either (67 pitches). I think it's that he's a reliever. That's my guess. Spradlin gave up three runs on five hits.

Syracuse's bullpen was a big problem. Josh Wilkie coughed up a pair of runs, Yunior Novoa was responsible for three, and Zechry Zinicola gave up four. This all happened in seven innings.

Adam Mills start wasn't a Christmas miracle, either. Mills went five (classic Pawtucket shift for a starter) and the Chiefs got nine hits off him, converting them to four runs. Hunter Jones gave up another run because he can't help it, and Fernando Cabrera pitched the last inning perfectly. Five runs usually means a Pawtucket loss, but who knows what the hell happened?

Pawtucket offense: The following dudes had doubles - Bailey, Denker, Danielson, and Lowrie. JED Lowrie? Ha! Lowrie had to go to Syracuse!

The following dudes had two RBI: Bailey, Lowrie, Wagner and Danielson. I know Danielson is probably off to a hot start, but this is a guy who was shunted in favor of guys like Freddie Guzman and Chris Duncan and Bubba Bell. CRIMINAL.

The following dudes had three hits: Dusty Brown and Travis Denker. The following dudes grounded into double plays: Bailey and Wagner.

too few to mention:
1. Aaron Bates played left field and had an assist. If you say that fast, it sounds like you're saying he had a cyst.
2. Jeff Bailey led off and played first. For old time's sake.
3. Jed Lowrie made an error.
4. Angel Chavez DNP.
5. Forgot to mention the other night that Chiefs infielder Ian Desmond was wicked nice to the kids at McCoy and is handsome and debonair.
6. This was game one of a double header.

Tonight! Enrique. All you need to know, sweetheart.

migajas

1. Kevin Cash has been released by the Yankees.
2. Bobby Scales has been called up again.
3. Urban legend regarding former PawSox great Jon Lester: Manchester Fisher Cats had a Lester bobblehead night. Jon Lester allegedly bought tickets, stood in line, and waited along with everyone else to get his own bobblehead. He was very nice to everyone who talked to him.
Here's the problem I have with this story: Everything. Baseball players do not go to baseball games. Jon Lester does not want a bobblehead. Jon Lester probably does not know how to get to New Hampshire. And most assuredly, Lester is not particularly "nice".

Have a good weekend.

Thought I'd something more to say.

So that's it, I guess.

I have nothing of substance to add to last night's game. There was a cop in the bullpen. Hunter Jones and Jose Vaquedano must be receiving death threats.

Chris Carter won the MVP Award. It is well deserved.

As for me, well, I'm glad it's over. I'm ready for a fresh Pawtucket team. I'm not wishing this team well or giving them my best regards or anything, because I'm sure they will be fine no matter what.

Tonight! Adam Mills in Syracuse. Bleagh. I would not want my summer ending in that stinkhole.

9.5.09 Pawtucket Red Sox v Syracuse Chiefs (WAS)

8-2 Pawtucket! Some poor kid named Andrew Kown got tattooed by the Pawtucket Red Sox. He is never going to live it down.

Randor Bierd would be yer Red Sox starter. Bierd got the win. He pitched five reasonably good innings. He even faced a couple of batters in the sixth, but did not record an out.

And that's when Javier Lopez came in. Lopez is a stranger in an open car. Lopez pitched three damn innings, which is awesome for a former LOOGY. Oh, and he set the Chiefs down in order. Nine outs. Very nice. Today is the day, modefoque!

Fellow WBC pitcher Fernando Cabrera made it interesting in the ninth when he gave up hits to Davis and Desmond, but he breathed and focused and figured it all out and went K, pop out to third, K.

Pawtucket offense: Almost all the good stuff happened in the third inning. Denker, Chavez, and Danielson all singled. This chippy shit resulted in a run. Then Jeff Natale walked to load the bases. Bubba Bell grounds out and gets Chavez home. Mark Wagner does the same damn thing, except he drives in Danielson. "Drives in" might be giving Wagner a little too much credit for a productive ground out, but I am feeling expansive.

Chris Carter followed the grounding out nonsense with a two-run bomb. I'm sure he had a boner as he circled the bases. 5-2 Pawtucket and Chiefs starter Andrew Kown is probably starting to realize that this isn't his night.

Did anything happen between Chris Chriscarterson's homer and the eighth inning? Not much. But in the eighth, first basethug Aaron Bates led things off with a single. Then with one out, Angel Chavez doubles! Runners on second and third and... you are going to die... reliever Zechry Zinicola intentionally walks Sean Danielson! I'll bet the little guy got all puffed up with pride.

What happened next? Jeff Natale hit a three-run double. Wow, mom, wow. 8-2 PawSox and that's how the game ended.

and i won't go away until you tell me so:
1. Dusty Brown went 3-4. Jeff Natale had those three RBIs. Mark Wagner went 0-5 with two strikeouts.
2. Angel Chavez was big once again! Not only that, but he kicked ass defensively at short. Chavez is like a Law Enforcement Cheetah.
3. Post-game, final game, whatever. Squishy balls a go-go. I caught one off washed up lefty Hunter Jones. It could become my most prized possession.
4. Lopez only threw 23 pitches in his three innings of work. I am under the impression that he is on his way to Boston, but it could be just a rumor. ALL I KNOW is that misc staff members were shaking the guy's hand in a "great working with you" kinda fashion.
5. Chiefs DH Daryle Ward had a big night, going 3-4 with a HR.

Can I finish tomorrow? I am gonna die, here.

Randor Bierd wants you to cheer up.

Randor Bierd is a big righty from the DR. He is listed at 6'4" 180 lbs. 180 lbs? Yeah. And I'm Cyndi Lauper.

Bierd was signed by the Tigers as an undrafted free agent in 2003. He was rule 5 drafted by the Orioles in December of 2007. And then Baltimore gave him up for David Pauley. Kind of lose-lose, n'est ce pas?

you may lose them one day, someone takes them away:
1. Randor Bierd played for the Michigan Whitecaps and the Erie Seawolves. And the Oneonta Tigers.
2. Groaner headline: "O's Bullpen Grows a Bierd".
3. Randor Bierd had help developing his changeup and it came from Pedro Martinez.

That's all. Randor Bierd is very mysterious.