Someone in the club tonight has stolen my ideas.

I'm sorry, New England, but I don't care about the Patriots.

I see all your yard flags and inflatable wide receivers and embroidered lap blankets and it just makes me miss baseball.

Oh, I know a few things. I know Tom Brady is a good quarterback /Gap model and that the coach ( Bill B. ) is known for being laconic and robotic and atomic and Willie McGinest is classy and am I even spelling these names right? I've seen Doug Flutie at Fenway catching foul balls and being way too delighted about it. And Bruschi... the guy who had the stroke but came back and made everyone get worried. New England, you really do love your Bruschi.

Yes, I understand that baseball is really boring compared to football. I know that football is intense and exciting and that every game is so, so crucial. I know that football players don't leave the game EVER, not even if their ankles are broken, not if their children burst into flames and perish in the stands, not if their guts are torn open and their cleats get tangled in their large intestines. Your commercial interruptions are much more glamorous than Marty, the Number One Man from USRV. Your culinary accoutrements completely dwarf the steamed hot dogs and domestic beer that usually accompany baseball watching. I get it, New England. I really do.

And, Lord, have I tried. I locked myself onto the sofa and ate six kinds of wings and stared at the TV and tried real real hard to understand the implications of "HUT HUT " followed by a shrill whistle. It's complicated, New England. I'm too dim to keep track of referee hand signals and flags and positions and x's and o's. For that, I am truly sorry.

I know what you're going to say: I just need to watch more games and get into it. Did you not just read the above paragraph? I TRIED that. Listen to me. I only like baseball. It takes up a lot of my time. I resent the time football takes up on the radio, even though there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GOING ON IN BASEBALL RIGHT NOW. Why can't they just play 24 hours of Tim Wakefield's Top Games Versus the AL Central?

I wonder what Tim Wakefield's doing right now?

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