Devern Hansack

Hansack hasn't been pitching well. A hard grounder from Andy Phillips banged into his arm on Friday, causing him to leave the game in the first inning. Eh, he'd given up three runs already anyway.

I guess he's okay. I haven't heard otherwise. In a related story, Hansack's age is somewhat mysterious. He is probably 30. He talks to me in dreams...

April 12th (Saturday) - weekends were made for M.

PawSox starter Michael Tejera gets the loss for this 3-1 game against the Bats. New kid Eric Hull pitched 1 2/3 scoreless innings in his PawSox debut.

Louisville countered with righty Justin Lehr. His full name is Charles Larry Lehr, so... Justin it is! Lehr pitched seven innings and gave up no runs on five hits. He struck out five Sox... Kielty twice, Moss, Ginter, and Spann.
Brandon Moss got the sole RBI for the P'Sox.

Things that went wrong for Pawtucket:
1. Two pickoffs: Joe Thurston and Jonathan Van Every.
2. Dusty Brown and Bobby Kielty both grounded into double plays. Looks like BK had a tough night in Kentucky.
3. Michael Tejera made an error trying to pick off Jolbert Cabrera at first. Yes, that Jolbert Cabrera. He's still standing after all this time. However, Cabrera was picked off at second base immediately afterward. The VOSBPO (Value of Second Base Pick Off) was estimated at -.211, then later recalculated to five positions, resulting in a VOSBPO of -.19795.
4. There were 13,000 Louisville Bats fan at this game. Wait... seriously? Were these people actually present? Was it the home opener?

the stuff that no one cares about:
1. Other MLB residue doing time in Louisville: Jerry Hairston Jr!
2. Sunday's rainout provides cause for a Monday double header. For game 1, Reds superstar Homer Bailey will face future professional golfer Charlie Zink OR Chris Smith, depending on who you ask. Oooh, I wonder who'll win! Game 2 starter for PawSox TBA.
3. Bats second baseman Andy Green spent last year in Japan and... wait, hold on... DIDN'T ENJOY IT! "Although the team provided an interpreter, Green said the language barrier was frustrating. He said his wife mostly stayed at their apartment playing with (infant daughter) Lainey rather than deal with the cultural hurdles."
I have heard this story before and it makes me angry. Typical uptight jock meathead bullshit. Instead of spending time getting to know your surroundings and maybe learning a thing or two, just stay inside and don't go out. Foreign languages are so frustrating! And the pizza in Japan sucks!
4. On April 7th, Justin Lehr had a perfect game going into the eighth inning.

See you later on tonight.

Juan Pierre has a World Series ring.

"Pierre is very unpopular among Dodgers fans, who frequently refer to him on various blogs as Slappy McPopup."
(from Yahoo! Sports)

Ha, ha.

of all the charlie browns in the world

The Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs lost their home opener v. the Richmond Braves. It's almost more than I can take.

Bryan Corey was designated for assignment. I will miss him around here. He stayed out of trouble, was responsible and earnest. Worked hard. Use to give his mother flowers and that. The killer is that he just got a place up in Boston. For the family.

I can't stand it.

PawSox complete sweep of Lehigh Valley.

Starter David Pauley gives up one solo HR (catcher Jason Jaramillo) in 4 1/3 innings. A slew of other relievers ensured the win for Pawtucket. Abe Alvarez pitched two perfect innings, striking out two.

Jonathan Van Every homered in the 5th. Kottaras, Brown, and Lowrie each had doubles.

Dusty Brown was the day's catcher while George Kottaras was the DH. Jed Lowrie played third base.

It's really too bad that the Iron Pigs have to go home to Corporate Beverage Park in Allentown and play their home opener with a 0-8 record. Poor kids.

I wonder if Pawtucket will run its starters a little deeper this year. I know I don't know anything about their player development plan, but don't you want a pitcher that'll work past five innings? And I understand that you want to keep all your pitchers working... keep them prepared, fresh. But still. All the other teams are doing it!

Although I wonder if the new pitching coach will work the "starters" harder, I also realize that they are not ultimately making the decisions of who pitches how many innings and when. I'm sure those orders come from Boston. Mostly.

And why is it that when you get a garden salad from a pizza place, they're all exactly the same? A pile of iceberg lettuce with one cherry tomato, one cucumber slice, a few carrot peels, and a couple of onion ringlets. Oh, don't forget the little tublet of dressing. I feel so ripped off, paying 5-6 dollars for that.

Adios.

The truth about Bartolo Colon.

Bartolo Colon is on the DL with a "side strain".

What really happened is he crashed his car.

That's all I know, but it is the truth.

Sean McAdam had this to say about opening day at Fenway.

That is some restrained disgust right there. Good article.

4.9.08 Pawtucket Red Sox v. LVIP - 'F' is for fighting, 'R' is for red.

Pawtucket WINS! 2-0

I couldn't even watch the Iron Pigs walk off the field at game's end. I feel so bad for them. No runs when Charlie Zink pitches? That'll keep you lying awake at night

And so Zink pitched 4 1/3 and gave up 4 hits. Five Ks, two walks. I don't know. He did better than I thought he would.

Lefty Jon Switzer got the last couple of outs in the fifth. Mike Timlin pitched the sixth, uno-dos-tres. I wouldn't have expected less!

Okay... Craig Hansen... oh, god. It kills me to say this but Hansen pitched GREAT in the seventh and eighth. Changing speeds, keeping the hitters off balance. Just terrific. Set all six batters down in order. Hansen's a really tough guy to root for but I have to give him credit tonight. Ugh.

Mr. Lee Gronkiewicz got the save tonight. And so the game was a four-hit shutout.

Righty Ron Chiavacci started for Lehigh Valley. He pitched 5 1/3 scoreless innings, giving up four hits. Ron Chiavacci is also excellent when paired with lobster ravioli in thermidor sauce.

Vic Darensbourg came into the eighth with no outs and two runners on and blew the game for the I-Pigs.

K, offense: Keith Ginter pretty much won this game. Yes, I am serious. No, I won't shut up. Ginter batted in two runs (Carter, Moss) with his crucial hit in the eighth inning. That's 'cause Carter singled and Moss doubled. All that had to happen was a decent closer in the ninth and that's where Mr. Lee came in.

Jed Lowrie and Chad Spann both had zero plate production tonight. Joe Thurston busted out his hot, bunting action, moving runners over with style and grace. Thurston played RF and had a great throw into the infield in the 4th, holding Andy Tracy to a long, long single. JT is a good man.

many different things have happened:
1. RF TJ Bohn was ejected from the game in the 7th, arguing that he was safe at first. Maybe. Gookie Dawkins came into the game and played second... several players changed positions in order to make this work.
2. Chris Carter was all aggro-pissed when he popped out with runners on base in the third inning. Is he an intense player or just an asshole? It's such a fine line.
3. Mike Timlin was in the house. I watched him walk out to the bullpen and I wondered if the other relievers stopped talking when he stepped through the door. Like hushed reverence.
4. Iron Pig Chris Snelling is new in the Phillies org. He comes from the Nationals, by way off Tampa Bay. He's compelling!
He's slovenly! After the game he walked into the visitors' clubhouse and said, "Hey! What's this lying around shit?"
5. Art Spencer threw out the first pitch! Hey there, Rhode Island, you know Art Spencer from Lite 105. He does the evening show, NiteLite, in his trademark Rancho Relaxo voice. Wouldn't you know it, he's skinny and he wears glasses.
6. Hansen was veering between 83 and 96.
7. Can we get Van Every moved up in the lineup? Why is he batting ninth and Kottaras second?
8. Jeff Bailey strapped it on and caught Timlin's warmup tosses. Just like old times.
9. Day game tomorrow. Pauley will pitch the last game of the series, then Pawtucket heads for Kentucky.

TIMLIN!!!

4.8.08 CT Defenders v. Portland Sea Dogs

Connecticut WINS! 2-1 with an 11th inning walk-off by Travis Ishikawa.

This was a rather good game with wicked pitching. The Defenders' game is tight this year. The guy batting 9th, SS Olmo Rosario, was one productive mofo, going 4-4. OLMO!

Masterson pitched well, Brooks McNiven pitched well. Everybody get high, everybody get low. In spite of being untall, Portland second baseman Jeff Natale was an on-base machine! Like me! Natale walked twice, singled, and was hit by a pitch.

Not much production from the heart of the Sea Dogs' lineup, but we can let it slide, considering the gutty, gritty pitching.

In a related story, Dodd Stadium is now charging $2 for parking. And don't even think of parking in some nearby lot... they repeated several times during the game that doing so would get your ass towed.

The Defenders' superfan was there. Do you know who I'm talking about? Yeah, it's a little weird.

I'll be at McCoy tonight.

It's not as good this year!

Sometimes when Conan O'Brien (or maybe any other late night host) had a guest that'd written a book, Conan would be all, "You know, I was flipping through your book earlier, and I noticed..." and I would always think WRONG! You mean you had one of your interns find something discussion-worthy and brief you on it.

So this morning I was flipping through the PawSox program and there's this little piece on Dusty Brown. He says:

"A lot of my job is handling the pitching staff and earning the respect of the pitching staff, and having pitchers that want me behind the plate when they have the ball."

I know what he means... he wants the pitchers to think that Dusty Brown will make them look good. But I also wonder if he means he needs to be a guy a pitcher would think is cool? Like, he always buys the first round... tells them he likes their shirt... compliments their 20 inch rims... maybe he tells Michael Bowden's friends from back home, "This guy's always surrounded by the ladies!"

D. Brown and Kottaras are close to being interchangeable at this point. Maybe being the guy you'd most want to party with can make the difference. We'll see what happens.

See also: David Wells/Kelly Shoppach.

4.8.08 Pawtucket Red Sox v. Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs - ma'am

Pawtucket WINS!4-1

Starting pitcher is non-roster man Chris Smith. Last chance, Chris.

Smith pitched 4 lonely innings, gave up two hits and struck out seven. He also walked TJ Bohn in the second inning. The Iron Pigs ran up the counts on Smith early on, but he chilled out during the third and fourth inning. The Iron Pigs are terrible, anyway. They're 0-6 at this point. So go blame the Phillies.

Edgar Martinez followed with an inning and change. The I-Pigs only run was all his fault. He gave up the long ball to Casey, not Corey, Smith.

Then something interesting happened. Lefty Abe Alvarez pitched 2 1/3, didn't allow any hits, didn't walk anyone. His control/location has to be insane... god knows he wasn't throwing more than 82, tops. Yes, Lehigh Valley is clearly a bad team, but whoa. When you're just sailing it in there and whiffing batters, that is brilliant. Abe Alvarez is not dead yet.

Martalvarez was followed by Dan Kolb (one inning) and Lee Gronkiewicz, who is an out-getting master in AAA. Is he Travis Hughes? Maybe. Maybe.

Lefty JA Happ started for Lehigh Valley. I may hate typing Lehigh Valley almost as much as I hate Scranton/Wilkes-Barre. Maybe not... SWB has crazy punctuation and it's the Yankees' affiliate.

"Happy" pitched 4 2/3, giving up 3 runs on 6 hits. He started off pretty tuff and he looks like one of those lefty beanpoles with rubbery, whip-fast arms but... yeah, he started walking people. And this is not last year's PawSox! Five walks for Happ, one of them bringing a run home.

Happ was succeeded by Joe Bisenius and Matt Childers. Bisenius gave up the fourth run.

Pawtucket offense: Yesterday's DH Chris Carter is offensive. Carter walked a couple of times, doubled in a run, had another hit in the third... I heard him on the radio the night prior and he was like, "FUCK YEAH! I LOVE THIS TEAM! YEAH BASEBALL!" and so I love him in Pawtucket. He is probably eliminating Jeff Bailey's job and ending the poor guy's career but that's the way love goes.

Jed Lowrie tripled. Triples are the best. When a runner starts rounding second and he's going balls out to beat the throw, everyone sits up and takes notice. It's exciting.

Brandon Moss has been struggling. He struck out three times. Jeff Bailey was also flailing with runners on base.

Van Every and D. Brown each doubled, Brown doing it RBI style.

The Iron Pigs scattered a few singles, but the only hit of consequence belonged to second baseman Casey Smith (home run, 6th inning.)

jump up and put it in the basket, chief:
1. You really should see this guy on the Iron Pigs, Valentino Pascucci. He is a freaking MOUNTAIN. He looks like that guy from 'Porky's'. Real big and dumb looking. I almost wanted him to mash one, just for entertainment's sake...he hit 34 home runs for the Albuquerque Isotopes last year. SCOOOOOOOCH!!
2. Thin crowd at the park. I could hear the velcro scratch of players removing their batting gloves. I also heard the frustrated curses of the visiting team's players.
3. Brandon Moss at first... oh, dear. He's skittish with the ball when there're runners on base. The ball gets hit to him and the runner on first really throws him off, you can see it. This happened twice during the game and he didn't throw to second, just got the batter out at first. Which is fine. I hope I am explaining this clearly.
4. Joe Thurston has defensive flash, but he is not 5'11". I stood next to him at the luncheon. I'll say 5'7", maybe 5'8".
5. I don't understand why they brought Chris Smith up from Portland. I think it's a secret.

Was that good enough? I think so.

Mr. B's Bagels has closed.

Double header today. PawSox (Chris Smith v. JA Happ) at noon, SeaDogs (Jerkoff Masterson v. Brooks McNiven) at 6:30 in Norwich, CT.

"Chris Smith, P- Okay signer. Didn’t sign every occasion that I asked, and didn’t have that great an attitude. Not the best signer on the club."

-from thompsonworks.com

"CHARLIE will be back on Saturday"

Tonight's PawSox game was rained out. There will be a single admission double header tomorrow.

I am going away for the weekend (WWR!) and it is non-baseball related. So you will all have to somehow manage without me.

Drive caffle.

middle in, away away

Brandon Moss plays first base.

This bothers me in some fundamental way. When pitchers throw over to Moss to try and pick off the runner, I get nervous. When he's on the tail end of a double play, I want to hold my breath. It's all moving too quickly. I don't like it.

I demand an explanation. Who are they grooming him for? It's not like we needed another dope at first base.

See you later.

PS: Isn't that what friends are for?

- Brian Bullington is disappointed he didn't make the Pirates' rotation
- Story on Indians OF Steve Pearce fm. the Indy Star
- Indianapolis mgr. Trent Jewett did not wear his batting helmet last night! I'm telling!
- Dusty Brown paid $170 for a steak.
- Last night's game was a one-hitter. Dude.
- Bryan Corey wants to play for Boston not Pawtucket. I like Corey a lot but this is a long shot. I will cross my fingers and wash myself in the blood of the lamb for him.

4.3.08 PawSox v. Indianapolis Indians - this song is for your parents

Pawtucket WINS! 3-0

Your number one starting pitcher was Bartolo Colon. BC K'd five guys, walked one and gave up a hit. Craig Hansen provided two subsequent innings of relief, walking 2 and striking out three. Eighth inning belonged to Dan Kolb (one walk and no hits) and Mr. Lee Gronkiewicz closed it out uno, dos, tres. YEAH.

Indians righty starter Brian Bullington pitched five innings and surrendered all three runs. Mariano Salas pitched well in the 6th and seventh, striking out three and walking one. Righty Mike Thompson pitched the eighth without further incident.
Jonathan Van Every homered in the third inning, driving in two runs. Brandon Moss also doubled in the third, driving in Jed Lowrie.

Joe Thurston, Chris Carter, and Jeff Bailey all singled.

For Indianapolis, only first baseman Adam Boeve managed a hit (off Colon). Boeve also walked twice.

two things:
1. I'm somewhat over my hatred for George Kottaras. That being said, Kottaras performed thusly:
First at-bat: Swings at first pitch. Pops out.
Second at-bat: Swings at first pitch. Flies out.
Third at-bat: Grounds into a double play.
Fourth at-bat: K!

Kottaras also made an error trying to throw out the base-stealing Adam Boeve. His throw to second was... whoops... way over Thurston. This is really great stuff coming from a guy batting second (!).
2. I'm convinced that Chris Carter is permanently eye-blacked. Day games, night games, in the shower, during marital relations, at church, everything.
3. The Indians black uniforms were a great background to Colon's pitches! You could really see where he was locating the ball.
4. 2008 will be Jeff Bailey's fifth season in Pawtucket. Wow, what?
5. Much pageantry involving the police and the firefighters. Bagpipes and the singing state trooper. Blackhawks and salutes.
6. New player murals on the ramp: Pedroia, Lester, Cla Meredith, and Manny D.
7. Bartolo Colon's the first starter in Pawtucket. The other four in probable order: Pauley, Hansack, Zink, and Cuban Michael Tejera! YEAH!
8. Tomorrow v. Pauley: Ty Taubenheim, followed by RHP Luis Munoz/Hansack (SAT) and RHP John Van Benschoten/ C. Zink (SUN). I may get to catch the Sunday game.

I'll post lineups in a few minutes...

April 3-6, 2008: Indianapolis Indians at McCoy

The Indianapolis Indians are the AAA team of the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Pirates pretty much blew up their farm system at the end of 2007 so maybe something good will come out of it. God knows they needed to do something.

you'll get no autographs from these guys and like it:
1. OF Andrew McCutchen. Number one superstar! May make the big team later on. McCutchen is only 21. In his spare time he writes poetry and freestyle raps and does artwork. He also sings! I wonder what he likes to sing? Please let it be classic R&B.
2. INF Brian Bixler. The Pirates' overall number one draft pick in '02 and possible Shortstop of the Future! He will wear a silver jumpsuit and eat capsule food. Robotic arms will remove his shoes when he comes home from work.
3. OF Steve Pearce. Played in 23 games for Pittsburgh last year (AVG .294/OBP .392) and did not hit a home run, which no one cares about but must have driven him NUTS!!
4. 3B Neil Walker. He used to be a catcher and is still working on the infield thing. Footwork? Is that one of the things? Anyway, he's a switch hitter.

"Don't you know who I am?!"
1. Righty reliever TJ Beam. He's that wicked tall kid from the Yankees organization. He pitched a couple of games last year in NYC. He was at the last McCoy game in '07.
2. Ty Taubenheim! He was on the Blue Jays. That guy's a giant!
3. C Raul Chavez. Yup, still around.

And Repeat IL Offender Matt Kata. He's an infielder. I think he's been in Triple-A since Reagan was in office.

"Maybe you are apopleptic because you don't understand anything about baseball. Perhaps you have never heard of a little thing called INTANGIBLES?? Matt Kata bleeds his guts out every day for this team and all you people want to do is talk about some stupid stats he may or may not have."

(posted by Brian Hayes on Lone Star Ball.)

See you at the park tonight... remember to dress warmly. No flip-flops!

I hate Marco Scutaro.

You know what? I hate Marco Scutaro. For no reason.

In a related story, I still hate Tom Caron. I think Dan Roche would be a fine replacement! Everyone loves Rochey... I know you do, too.

neither

Today was the 2008 PawSox season kickoff luncheon. Bruncheon. It was at noon and it was at a country club and it was subdued, polite, dull.

Dan Hoard was the emcee. Other speakers included the Blackstone Valley Chamber of Commerce guy, the president of the International League (Randy Mobley), PawSox radio voice Steve Hyder, and club manager Ron Johnson.

I sat next to Vaughn and Eileen, country club members and clueless WASPs. Vaughn worked for a major banking firm and was like, "Have you heard of this guy? Jacoby Ellsbury? We saw him in Pawtucket!"

Apple cobbler a la mode was served for dessert.

highlights?
1. No, Kielty and Colon were not there. Come on, now.
2. The loathesome Chad Spann turned up like a bad penny. He wore his sunglasses on top of his head the whole time. Douche.
3. I met (now beardless) Jeff Bailey and got my picture taken with him! I asked him about Jim Buckley (hey, I had to think of something!) and it was tremendous. I'll get my hands on the photos.
4. "You drink and drive, you lose." J-Kap was in the house.
5. Abe Alvarez was wearing an excellent gray checked jacket. I wish I had one just like it. He probably got it at Banana Republic or something.
6. Craig Hansen looked much less disgusting than last year.
7. Ron Johnson this year's team is "offensively exciting" and there will be offensive players at every position. Wow!
8. It should be noted that Charlie Zink shaved his head. Someone said he now looks less like Jimmy Fallon. Jigga what?
9. Randy Mobley (IL Prez) was noticeably pissy about Richmond's inability to build a new ballpark. You should have heard his tempered condemnation of the community leaders. Thus, the new Atlanta Braves AAA team will move to Georgia! Let's all point our shotguns into the air and blast a few in celebration!
10. RJ's wife is a blonde bombshell. He also requests that you "cheer the hell out of him" at the park.
11. I brought my camera. You know how many pictures I took? Zero point zero zero.
12. Baseball players skew tall. You kind of forget that until you're in a room with a team of them, filing in.

See you tomorrow!