The International League killed Drew Sutton dead.

Drew Sutton was on the PawSox in 2011 and last year, 2013. Remember? He hit a good amount of doubles. Yeah, well, he quit baseball. Retired.

Sutton spent some time in the majors, mostly on the Reds.

Sutton's jumping into the restaurant business, opening up some grinder joints in Texas.

He led the PawSox in BB last season. He is from Arkansas. One of his best friends in Ben Zobrist. His father was a marathon runner. He went to Baylor.

Also Nick Natoli retired. I can't believe you don't remember him from that one Pawtucket game where he didn't get on base!

Grady Sizemore does not know what a Van Meter is.

I bring up Grady Sizemore for many reasons.

First and foremost, I expect to see him in Pawtucket at some point. And that is a realistic statement, not a jerk-ass one.

Secondly, when I was in Cleveland I was tossed a free cap that had Sizemore's name and number on it. Bleagh, right? Thanks for the free hat of some player I give two craps about. But, now! I can wear it and everyone will love me which is really all I've ever wanted.

Thirdly, when I was hanging out in the Bob Feller exhibit in this tiny Iowa town, I was on the phone with a friend of mine back home as I told him about all the stuff in the gift shop. One thing he nearly asked me to purchase for him was a ball signed by G. Sizemore.

Evidently, Sizemore is in great shape and everyone is so happy and Indians fans are sad that he's gone and grossed out by the Boston Red Sox.

All of that sounds like bushwa and I say he's pretty much Daniel Nava at this point.

Fat Guys on the Pawtucket Red Sox

Catchers:

Shawn Wooten
Kelly Shoppach
Jim Buckley
Corky Miller
Carlos Maldonado

Pitchers:

Matt Perisho
Runelvys Hernandez
Matt Burns
Edgar Martinez
Hunter Jones
Chad Paronto
Boof Bonser


et al:
Wily Mo Pena
Mauro Gomez, sort of.
Paul McAnulty
Tug Hulett (kinda)

I have to stop. Am I a bad person?

Jose Mijares has Manny-like issues.

Everybody loves a left-handed reliever, and the PawSox have got themselves a new one - Jon Switzer!

PSYCH! It's really Jose Mijares, who will join Rich Hill on the RI lefty contingent. IN MY BEDROOM! And in Florida, because they've both been invited to spring training. And I haven't. I should practice reportering.

If Mijares isn't put on the roster after ST, he can split the band and do whatever he wants and see whoever he chooses.

Mijares comes to us from the SF Giants org, which means he'll likely have an uncomfortable conversation with Scott Cousins. Hug it out, bros. Although it's possible Mijares never much cared for Posey anyway? Baseball is complicated.

PS I Love You:
1. Mijares is fat: "Mijares is a limited pitcher. He cannot get righties out, allowing an 818 OPS in his career against them. But as a true loogy, he should be effective. He’s limited left-handed batters to 623 OPS." - Replacement Level Red Sox (blog)

2. "In 2013, Mijares pitched to the tune of a 4.22 ERA but had a 3.05 FIP. His strikeout rate was very good, his walk rate was mediocre, and he didn't give up many home runs. But Mijares gave up 12.3 hits per nine innings with a .410 batting average on balls in play against, both of which were among the very worst in baseball but are out of line with his career numbers, which are much better." - The Mets maybe wanted a slice of Mijares' pie.

3. "I like Javier Lopez, so I'm not going to question his contract, even if Mijares is almost certainly the better value for a team that would use him normally. Not going to lie, though, I'm not exactly distraught. Funny how those memories start chewing on your logic gland." - Mijares was the victim of a SFG roster spot. Javier Lopez probably smells better, anyway.

4. NO JOKE, FOLKS: PHOTOS PROVE MIJARES IS SAD, FAT.

5. "According to Mijares, police were suspicious about some hair gel in his luggage." - Jose Mijares - Diva?

6. In 2009, Delmon Young and Jose Mijares were teammates on the Twins. Jeremy Bonderman hit Young with a pitch and it really hurt and Delmon Young got up and started yelling at Mijares and they almost fought and somehow Orlando Cabrera was involved. What did I tell you about baseball being complicated?

7. Commenter "Todd" on Baseball Outsider is super eloquent:

I remember when Mijares's name was J.C. Romero, and then a couple of years later he turned into Juan (Walk) Rincon. You could always start yelling at your television screen when they were 2-0 on the count as you knew the best thing for the Twins at that point was for them to fake an injury and get themselves out of the game. It was kind of like watching Billy Gardner continually march out Ron Davis in 1984. His excuse was there was no one else to put in, but after blowing save after save, wouldn't it behoove you to at least try a Lenny Whitehouse, Pete Filson, or Rick Lysander? They actually had a chance to catch the Royals that year. That is kind of how I feel every time Mijares starts an inning with less than a four run lead anymore - ignore the lefty-lefty rule and put in your best pitcher at the moment.

I'm going to go compile a list of fat people who played for the PawSox.

Scott Cousins makes a bad first impression.

God damn, he's got a serious case of asshole face. I suppose I should give him the benefit of the doubt. You know what they say: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.

Cousins is a 29-year-old outfielder who was drafted by the Marlins in '06. I am going to assume he's married, ladies, although he could be gay. He was born in Reno* and went to University of San Francisco, which I have never heard of. He's never played in the IL before! Betcha Hassan and Brentz are shittin' themselves.

Last year Cousins spent the bulk of the season on the Angels AAA team in Salt Lake City and found it best to strike out all the damn time. Without doing any research I am going to assume he was coming off an injury.

Giants fans may remember Scotty as the dude who busted up Posey's chifforobe in a 2011 home plate collision.  They're still pretty pissed off about that. I suppose the Toronto fans will little note nor long remember a similar incident with Ken Huckaby and Derek Jeter, eh?

Que mas?
1. This headline made me laugh a little: "Scott Cousins Set To Be the Pawtucket Red Sox Starting Center Fielder". Talk about presumptuous! Who wrote that, his mom?

2. Cousins received death threats, allegedly. Come on, guys. Yes, it was a dick move, but Giants fans have never been able to stop fellating Buster Posey.

3. "Scott Cousins represents something bigger than himself. Scott Cousins represents a concept, as many others do too. There are players for whom there's always an argument to keep them on the 40-man roster. At the same time, there's always an argument to kick these players off. Those players on the fringes are interesting in how very uninteresting they are." - Killer article by Jeff Sullivan on Lookout Landing.

4. A good name for a blog about the Giants is "They Most Decidedly Are Giants". It exists, too:

"Look, it’s hard to be a pro ballplayer. You’ve got to have the perfect combination of skill, timing and luck just to get a taste, and as soon as you do you’ve got to be good enough to ward off all the young, skillful, lucky guys coming up from behind. The mere fact that Scott Cousins has taken a big league at-bat puts him in an elite club.

Still, though. Getting designated for assignment three times between the end of the season and Thanksgiving is kinda like being dumped on your birthday while stepping in dog shit and walking in on your parents having a Gangnam Style themed orgy.

Couldn’t have happened to a better guy."

It looks like I'm not going to get much beyond BusterGate. The Big Gray Paper has a lovely defense going, though.

Best of luck in Rhode Island, Scott Cousins! 

Chris Resop will think he's got a paper heart when you start to tear it apart.

Chris Resop's on the PawSox. I'm sure he can find his way around the ballpark, since he's a former IL guy. He played for the Richmond Braves, which is a baseball team that no longer exists. Resop also pitched for the Gwinnett Braves, which is a living, breathing organization that has possibly the world's most irritating PA guy.

Resop was just most recently on the Oakland A's with Brandon Moss and that other guy with facial hair and steroids. Would you like to dive into Resop's journey into Oakland? I did, and I'm a better lady for it! Alex Hall wrote "The Curious Case of Chris Resop" over there on Athletics Nation and it's stellar.

¿Que mas?

1. Drafted by the Marlins in '01, minors minors Angels minors, AAA Braves, Pirates, Oakland. It really was just a matter of time.

2. Conor Duffy slaps you upside the head with stats and analysis: "Resop will likely begin the season in Triple-A Pawtucket, and barring a stellar performance with the PawSox would probably not even be one of the top five pitchers promoted to Boston."

3. Resop pitched a little in Japan: "Even though he gets the ball low, he doesn't seem to do a great job of using his height, as it seems that he isn't very upright at the time of release, perhaps having a bit of arm drag (though it could be overstated, as he still does an adequate job of staying upright)." - Clint Hulsey, from IR Fast. 

4. "Chris Resop likes sushi. Chris Resop has had a goal since I was a little kid, and that was to play Major League Baseball. It wasn't to play in the NPB. I did that, and it was a situation where I had to go. I was in a situation where I was with Atlanta, and I had been designated, and I was sent to AAA, because I had to accept my first assignment, and I'd been down there for about three weeks, and had been out of the bullpen, threw the ball real well, and I was in a hard place, because they had two more years of minor-league rights for me. So if I'd stayed with Atlanta, I would have been just another AA/AAA guy for two more years and there's nothing I could do about it." - Great interview from a couple of years ago, Charlie Wilmoth. 

So, there you have it, new Pawtucket bullpen guy. Although he could start, maybe, because that's the bush leagues for you. Or Jonathan Van Every could pitch.

Rich Hill is the mystery of the quotient.

Masshole Rich Hill's been signed to a minor league deal by Boston. He'll be the springtime of my loving.

"The deal is reportedly worth $480K, should Hill make the big league club, and also contains roughly $500K in incentives. The deal includes two opt-out clauses, falling on May 15 on June 30. If the former fourth-round pick is not on the Red Sox 25-man roster on either of those dates, he may elect free agency." - Jacob R Misener

The lefty reliever pitched in 10 PawSox games in 2011, with a 1.12 ERA, 18 K's and only 5 walks.

In 2012, it was 8 games, another 1.12 ERA (!) with 10 K and 2 BB.

What a nice job he did, said Craig Breslow and Javier Lopez.

Rich Hill is great, but I'll bet he could never make mashed potatoes like the ones I did last night.

Furthermore, I am the champion of my fantasy football league. Not Rich Hill, me. I'll bet Rich Hill has never been champion of his fantasy football league. WHAT NOW RICH HILL.

I have a feeling that no one will care about Tommy Layne.

Tommy Layne is a lefty reliever who was on the Padres and please bear with me as I search for a feeling about this.

...

...

The levee is dry.

I guess in 2012 he was getting outs? 

Layne has also pitched for the Diamondbacks. Fort Zumwalt is proud of him.

Okay, you know what? Never mind, shut down the internet. Sam Miller wrote about Layne last March (with visual aids!) Prepare to be boarded... By AWESOME!

"About two-thirds of the time, Layne starts lefties off with a fastball. This is a fastball, but it’s also three or four miles per hour slower than his typical fastball. It might be a cutter, but one of the themes of Layne’s repertoire is how seamlessly the different types of pitches blend into each other. He throws this pitch from a pretty typical three-quarters arm slot, which is his typical release point early in an at-bat."

Nothing I can tell you about Tommy Layne could compare to this, so good night. I have laundry to do anyway.

Zane Grey - The Young Pitcher

I bought this book in Ames, Iowa, back when I used to go to Ames, Iowa.

It is not an easy read, inasmuch as it's dated as hell and contains arcane slang.

It does reveal the singular cruelty of college baseball players.

Here's an excerpt:

"...Ken went up to the plate and swung blindly. To his amaze he cracked a hard fly to left-centre, far between the fielders. Like a startled deer Ken broke into a run. He turned first base and saw that he might stretch the hit into a three-bagger...

...Second base sailed under him, and he turned in line for the third.

...Without slacking his speed in the least, Ken leaped into the air headlong for the base. He heard the crack of the ball as it hit Graves' glove. Then with swift scrape on his hands and breast he was sliding in the dust. He stopped suddenly as if blocked by a stone wall. Something hard struck him on the head. A blinding light within his brain seemed to explode into glittering slivers. A piercing pain shot through him. Then from darkness and a great distance sounded a voice:

"Ward, I said I'd get you!"

Also, the protag is reprimanded by other students for walking with his hands in his pockets and turning up his trouser cuffs.

scatter

Although I am near delirious with illness and still reeling from Mark Wagner's bulge, I would like to sum up the dispersal of PawSox players as well as the fresh young minds that've been brought into the Rhody fold. The "Foldy", if you will. (I will not.)

Jarrod Saltalamacchia - Marlins. I'm not sure if he played in Pawtucket last year. Sorry, I was busy having one of my organs removed.

Jacoby Ellsbury - Yankees. Ellsbury hung out with Royce Clayton in Pawtucket back when I was paying money to drink beer in someone's musty cellar. This transaction angered some people. You know what makes me angry? Injustice and starvation.

Ryan Kalish - Charlotte Knights. If you would like to make a sex tape with Kalish then your porn name can be Charlotte Knights. Hook up with RK when the Knights come to Pawtucket June 12th. One bad injury can turn a legit outfielder into a piece of meat.

Brandon Snyder - He's back! How pleasing.

Mark Hamilton - Gwinnett Braves. He will kick 100% of the PawSox asses when he comes May 26th.

Doyle's Brother - Another Charlotte guy. Or Fort Mill, whatever, just get that new ballpark going already.

Matt Spring - Is back. What.

Justin Henry - Return of Justinstein.

Alfredo Aceves - Baltimore. No more Ace, Douby, and Cookie.

And I'm not sure what's going on with Grady Sizemore but finally, FINALLY! I have a reason to wear my Grady Sizemore hat. I was at the Cleveland Indians ballpark and they were tossing hats, is why I have one. Like why could it not have been a Masterson cap? He pitched that rainy day, it was splendid, but I think Boston won.

(later) GOD DAMN IT! The PawSox beat me by about one hour.

2013 @PawSox Who Have Landed Elsewhere http://t.co/SEWHftlXKv
— PawSox (@PawSox) January 29, 2014

Mark Wagner probably has no idea how big Jim Thome is.

Mark Wagner is only 29, which is crazy to me because I feel like it's been years since he was a PawSox catcher. He is a 6'1" California man who looks like Bert from Sesame Street. And he was a Pawtucket man in 2009 and 2010.

DID YOU KNOW?

1. Did you know that Mark Wagner was the first catcher to use a black web on his glove? "A catcher who also learned under the eye of Jason Varitek, who famously loosened the webbing on his glove, giving the feeling and the look that the glove was a few inches bigger than it originally came in. This is called the Jason Varitek effect." All of this and more from Watching Men Behind the Mask.

2. Did you know that you can purchase the chest protector that Wagner wore in his junior year in high school? It is $200. It's autographed. No one is ever going to buy it. You hear me? NO ONE.

3. Did you know that Wagner participated in a dance contest? PLUS A LITTLE BONUS FOR THE LADIES: RYAN KALISH NO SHIRT HOT XXX HARDCORE.

4. Oh, dear: "Same here buddy! i'm a collage catcher and it took me forever to find a cup that fit my package well enough. Being a catcher as you know, you have to have plenty of room for everything to be pushed forward into the cup when your in position and everything's pulled in tight down there. otherwise your dead if your hit. But with a bigger deaper cup comes more bulge that i have to grab and adjust every time i move my legs. My pitcher was even asking me about it several times because he noticed when i give him the signals that i have a bigger bulge now haha he said "buddy i was wondering what had happened down there because after every signal you grap and push on your bulge like you're showing it off to me or something haha." I just told him it was the perfect cup i found for big guys like me haha"

So here's a picture of Mark Wagner and his bulge. I could have lived without any of this.

5. From 2002: "In the game he had several hard hit line drives including 2 extra base hits to opposite field. He took 3rd on one hit utilizing the 7.04 speed he showed in the 60 earlier in the day. Defensively he popped a 1.95 and had good velocity on his throw down in the workout. He reproduced that 1.95 time in the game and his ball was consistently at the bag with good carry. He was even popping under 2 in between innings." Some people know what all of that means.

6. Did you know that you can buy a book about Wagner? It is 70 pages long and costs  $79. 

7. Did you know that Wagner has done yoga, even though he thought it was a "girl thing"?

8. Has had the same doctor as Kobe. 

If you look at Wagner's numbers with Pawtucket, you'll notice that he wasn't very good. So why are we talking about him? Because I saw a picture of him at McCoy Stadium on Saturday. 

Thanks for reading, now here's 'Sex With Jim Thome'.

Bryce Brentz is hot.

I came very close to skipping Stove Pot Party, but ultimately I attended and it was wicked decent.

Bryce Brentz is not much of a baseball player and I can never root for him because he was a detriment to his team in the playoffs. Kills me to admit that he is handsome as anything. Too bad handsomery cannot decrease your strikeout rate. Unless you got some horny ladies to be home plate umpire. Or just a HP ump that wasn't straight.

I also accurately predicted that Brentz would be wearing ugly cowboy boots. How I hate him.

Alex Hassan mentioned that one of his favorite baseball players was Jose Offerman. I would have though he was joking had I ever seen evidence that rich kid pro jocks were capable of wit.

Talked to the new manager about Australia a little bit. I had other burning questions  but I'll have to sit on them another season unless I run into Heiker Meneses at a bar. I owe him a drink or two.

And now I have to wait another million years before I can go to a ball game.

Kevin Boles, sometimes golfs.

Some people said Gary DiSarcina wasn't thrilled about being the PawSox coach. He certainly did a good job, whether or not that's true. Gary wanted to win, seriously, and did a big league job. And in such a sexy manner. Not the way you're thinking... I mean, I wanted to have SEX with DiSarcina!

Kevin Boles has been in the org since 2008 and spent the last three seasons managing the Portland Sea Dogs. He did? I haven't been up there in a while. Check out The P.O. Box for a more thorough background.

Boles also spent some time managing in Australia. Sydney Blue Sox. Today I decided that I want an Australian baseball vacation.

2014 Pawtucket Red Sox Hot Stove Event

On a social media site the PawSox said "Happy Holidays".

Responses:

"Don't you mean merry Christmas?" - Tim Middlebrooks

"Southern Red Sox nation has the same greeting, but here we say MERRY CHRISTMAS!" - Rich Corbett

And then Mary Tonks said, "To Rich Corbett-with due respect, all of Red Sox Nation and Paw Sox Nation are not Christians."

To which Corbett replied "To Mary Tonks -- I don't see it as respectful that you would impose your anti-christian views and supress our holiday... I wouldn't think of imposing on yours... That would be disrespectful!"

I don't know when the Hot Stove Event is, sorry. We need to talk about Kevin Boles at some point, though.

Ronald Bermudez knows not of Tidewater.

Baltimore Orioles helped themselves to Ronald Bermudez and Brock Huntzinger. My reaction is no reaction at all. Anger is an energy. Survival never goes out of style.

Today I was in New Hampshire. Live Free or Die. 

Brock is Brock and Pedro is Pedro.

"Silverman told the Toucher & Rich show that Herrera has no effect on Drew, and that he's more of a Pedro Ciriaco/Brock Holt type of player..."

HA! Brock Holt WISHES!

I can't wait for this miserable year to be over. I wish 2013 occupied physical space so I could set it on fire. 

You agree with me, right?

See you soon! I'm going to go read a book!

Jonathan Diaz returns to the Blue Jays, will be be issued a cap.

Jonathan Diaz was called up to Boston for a hot minute but never got a hit.

"He likely won’t pitch again in 2014, after making two relief appearances for the Pawtucket Red Sox last season." That's from Jays Journal. I don't remember that happening, do you?

Don't cry too hard about this, because Toronto's Triple-A affiliate is the Buffalo Bisons and they play the PawSox so frequently that the players get frequent buyer cards at the local coffee place.

Kidding! There's nowhere good to get coffee in Pawtucket.

GEOFF is spontaneous and inspirational.

Today I got a letter in the mail from the Pawtucket Red Sox about renewing my ticket package. It wasn't that exciting, but I noticed that my "Account" "Manager" is some guy named Geoff Sinnott. Not sure he's even old enough to drink.

Just when I was comfortable with Jeff Bradley they go and get some new guy I never heard of before! HRRMMBLE!! /seniordiscount

Sorry, that's all I have for now. Unless anyone has an update on Ryan Kalish? 

Just some guys.

Tug

Chip

Dusty

Jed

Bubba

Junior

Corky

Lincoln

Cla

Beau

Rocky

Boof

Santo

Royce

Kimball Crossley has a hard time remembering all the state capitals.

Improv! We all know what that is. It's everywhere, like Improv Everywhere. Most medium-sized cities have improv theater, even Providence. ImProvidence! (May not be an actual troupe.)

I am not sure there's currently improv theater in Providence. But ten years ago, there was! And a lot of people I know really enjoyed it and so I wound up attending a few performances.

I did not care much for it. I concluded that I did not like improv but maybe the Providence group just wasn't that good.

In 2003 I went to Fenway a lot. I did that in 2004 also. And a few games in 2002. In 2005 I went to a lot of Red Sox games. 2002 was the year I first went to Fenway, though. At that time, you could be dialed in to the internet and your sister would message you in this little box (that chime!) and ask if you felt like going to a game and you just went to the website and bought tickets.

For one game in particular, my two sisters and I got to Boston early so we went out for beer before the game. Me being me, I kind of overdid it. We were at the park and Vee said, "See that guy over there? That is Kimball and I know this because he does improv in Providence and I like that guy." Essentially she said that.

I think this was a day game and I remember we had box seats up front but Kimball's were better. For some reason I thought it would be funny to shout his name out. "Kimball!" I kept yelling until I was angrily shushed by my own kin. Kimball looked around a few times and then the game started. Boy, was I nauseated on the ride home!

Recently I search-engined this guy and he is a Blue Jays scout. I was surprised to learn that his name is not Something Kimball, but instead it is Kimball Something. And not even that (Anthony)! So because in many ways Kimball is my brother, I am going to explore his story. It's part of a series I like to call THIS RHODE ISLAND LIFE. (By the way, missed nickname opportunity: KimBaller!)

two things:
1. KC grew up in NYC, went to UNC, worked at the Providence newspaper where he was nowhere near as good as McAdam but hung out with scouts. This great article from 2005 explains everything.

2. "Professional scouts are the undercover cops of the scouting world, we know they are out there, we know they contribute to the success of our favourite team, but we don’t know who they are or what they do. If you go to games at minor league parks you can find the scouts behind home plate, busily managing their radar guns and their notebooks, but most of us have never talked to them." From the above article, written by Gerry McDonald.

3. “Scouts can get frustrated when they think the club doesn’t listen to their reports but its part of the business. I remember one time talking to Theo Epstein who said he couldn’t tell me how many times he had felt the same way. I had to tell him it was hard to sympathize with someone who went from scoreboard operator to GM in about four years.” Seriously Theo, go put on your wool cap and jam with Mookie Blaylock. Yeah, you're not a complete jackass. (same McDonald story)

4.  "Blue Jays professional scout Kimball Crossley... spoke of the importance of finding a balance between what the numbers show and what your eyes see. Crossley described the unique path he took to his current job, starting as a baseball writer for an afternoon paper, and taking advantage of his daily contact with players, scouts, and coaches to learn what he needed to see to understand the game and identify the players who could cut it at the highest level." - from 2012

5. Wookin pa nub?

6. KIMBALL DO YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF PROBLEM WITH TROT NIXON?

7. Reasonably handsome in spite of his freakishly huge thumb.

8. Battle of the Sexes: A playlet? Crossley as writer? Warwick?

9. It appears that in the off-season, KC still works as an actor. Here's a review of Six Degrees of Separation, as performed by the Epic Theater Company earlier this year.

10. Maybe Kimball coached high school basketball?

There you have it! I was going to say "Looks like Toronto will let just anyone be a scout" but I would never be that impolite. I know people are only going to be excited to talk to me because of this Kimball post. But they talk to me for a while, and maybe people realize I have something to say.. And then one day... We're just talking.