Catching Up with Shea Hillenbrand

If you've ever wondered what happened to former Red Sox great Shea Hillenbrand, well, wonder no more!

In 2008, Hillenbrand was playing for the Atlantic League's York Revolution. An injury ended his season, and you don't have to be Kreskin to see that he's probably dunzo.

If you remember Shea for anything aside from his brainless steroid use and poor defense, it'd probably be his shitty attitude and great love of animals.

Oh, and here's the 911 tape of his wife calling for help after his son was bitten by one of his pet lemurs.

Two questions I asked Jeff Bailey in 2008

1. "Do you remember Jim Buckley? What happened to him?" (note: Bailey and Buckley shared catching duties in 2006)

Ans: "Uhhh... (long pause)... I don't think he's playing any more."

2. "Do they let you do your laundry here (at McCoy)?" (Note: I asked this because I'd been thinking earlier how awesome and convenient it would be if I had a washer/dryer at work and, hey, if you're a baseball player, YOU DO INDEED HAVE THAT LUXURY!)

Ans: "Uuuhhh... (long, uncomfortable pause, during which I almost said 'Ok, never mind.')... I don't know, I do mine at home."

There you have it! I'm a freelance sports journalist, Ma!

sawhorse people

I have thanked many people for their support and co-operation but I feel like I have overlooked the Sawhorse People.

The Sawhorse People are the many fine folks who wait patiently at the exits to get autographs from the PawSox kids. They can tell you who's in the house, who's gone, who's packing up their car because they've been released, who's an asshole, who's nice, who's new in town, who's rehabbing with the visiting team... all of that and lots of stuff I should probably never put in the blog.

Special thanks to "Buck" "Coats" and M. Timlin. And by the way? Bartolo Colon is awesome.

for that #1 Kyle Snyder fan

I believe it is Cyn at toeingtherubber.com. Anyway, happy birthday or something. Good luck!

so remember... out there somewhere you've got a friend

And you'll never walk alone again!

I had to take a break. Baseball is really hard!

Chris Carter and George Kottaras are collecting dust in Boston. I'm rooting for Tampa Bay but I still have love particles for the Red Sox. You know how it is?

I'm gonna move out of here. Can someone please take my cat?

Best possible world series: Dodgers/Rays. Oh, fuck yes.

HANSACK!!!!!

Things I learned from the 2008 Kansas City Royals program

1. "Wrapped presents and/or gifts of any kind" are prohibited from Kauffman Stadium. Vis: "Please note that if you have a planned party of any kind that includes gifts, we advise either wrapping the gift item at Kauffman Stadium after the item has been inspected or place the unboxed gift item in a gift bag. Our security staff will ask guests to open any wrapped items."

2. Zack Greinke is a humorless asshole! Several players were asked, "If you decided to open a restaurant, what would you name it and what kind of food would you serve?" Greinke's response was, "I'm definitely not opening a restaurant. If I did, it'd have to be a smoothie place or a coffee place." Okay, thanks for playing!

3. The number 5 thing you need to know about LHP pickoff moves, according to first base coach Rusty Kuntz: "When looking at the left toe, if it goes up slightly, it means the pitcher's weight is shifting back to get something on his throw to first base for a pickoff move. If the pitcher's left toe remains on the ground, he is keeping his weight on the ball of that left foot in order to build up momentum to deliver that pitch home."

4. Reliever Ramon Martinez knows how to do several magic tricks and is learning to play the guitar.

5. The first pitch ever thrown in Royals franchise history was chucked by a guy named Wally Bunker on April 8th, 1969. Bunker is now an arts n' crafts guy.

6. Was Jose Guillen's dad abusive? "We knew if he caught us in a lie we were in trouble. I'd tell my brother that we'd need to get under the bed when dad was coming because he was going to get us. When you grow up in that atmosphere, you don't want to lie."

7. When asked what color their front door was, neither Kyle Davies, Alex Gordon, nor Joakim Soria knew the answer.

Thanks to Lucky, for picking up a program for me in Missouri. YEAH PEDRO!!!

whimper

So that's it, I guess. Shelley Duncan the Great Ruiner with a tenth inning home run off Hunter Jones.

I'm not mad at Jones. I think after 2003, I can handle anything.

I've already begun planning off-season sports. I'm deeply involved with fantasy football (I think, I don't know, I don't like football which may be an advantage). People really LOVE attending sporting events with me!

Also, I'm plotting an art heist. You probably think I am kidding. But wait until you read the compendium of 2008's Dumbest Criminals where it says "The criminal was apprehended after local police read about her felonious plans on her public blog".

Coming soon: emotional Labor Day photography.

Bye, guys! Bye!

9.4.08 Red Sox v. Yankees - Game 2, Semi-Finals - ROLL OUT!!

Pawtucket WINS! YES!! 3-1

TERRIFIC game. Devern Hansack versus Ian Kennedy. Hansack needed to be real tuff for this game and he delivered... and then some.

Hansack pitched six no-hit innings for Pawtucket and it totally brought me closer to god. His only problem came in the fifth inning... he walked spoiled brat Nick Green, who advanced to second on a wild pitch. A couple of Yankees groundouts allowed Green to cross home plate for their only run.

Hansack had two walks and EIGHT mighty strikeouts. You's a superstar, boy, why you still up in the hood? I would have loved for him to stay in the game, but you could clearly see the effort was taking its toll. He was also on a pitch count after coming off the DL. But really, it may have been the performance of the yr.

Ian Kennedy was no slouch, either. Seven innings, two runs on five hits, two walks and five strikeouts. The weird thing is that it started with a Van Every walk in the third, like, when does that asshole ever walk? So, yeah, JV walks and winds up getting batted in by Jason Lane. And then in the fourth inning, wicked Italian Corsaletti hits a solo home run.

Superfreak lefty reliever Zachary Kroenke surrendered the third run, a solo HR by Jason Lane in the eighth.

And so with a 3-1 lead in the ninth, big ol' country boy Hunter Jones goes u.d.t. on the Yankees and it was so spiritual. For Pawtucket fans. I hope it was degrading and demoralizing for Shelley Duncan et al.

HANSACK!!!!

what in the world is in that bag?
1. I thought the playoffs would bring a full house to McCoy. I was way off. The park's mostly empty. But the great thing is that the fans there are more hardcore baseball fans, not just a bunch of bored folk and their children. Which leads me to believe that 'playoff atmosphere' means more than just asses on seats.
2. You'd better believe they boo'd the shit out of Melky Cabrera.
3. Gil Velazquez at first again? Yes, and he plays a mean first base. It's all that damn racquetball.
4. As I was leaving, I walked by Charlie Zink getting his crap out of his car. No one noticed. Except me. I should have said hello.
5. Some old-timey PawSox fan was a few rows behind me... a treasure trove of retro baseball heckling. "THAT WAS A 400-FOOT DRIVE... 200 UP AND 200 DOWN!" Ha! Ha!
6. Less amusing was the borderline retarded sideways cap kid a few seats down. Like a wannabe gangsta kid who's probably too old for thick chains? Would not stop bellowing stupid crap like, "COME ON, UMP!!" Hey, d-bag: Your Jesus Christ tattoo on your leg makes Him look decapitated.
7. Kottaras annoyed me when he hacked at the first pitch in his first two at-bats. So much for progress.
8. Oneli! Six-finger satellite Oneli Perez got the last out in the eighth inning. So he's not dead yet.
9. Hansack had two outs in the sixth inning and powerhouse Juan Miranda coming up. RJ walked out to give Hansack the hook but Devern said he wanted to get Miranda. And it almost looked like it wouldn't work, because Miranda smoked a ball toward right field. Fortunately, Gil Velazquez made a crazy catch like over his shoulder and flipped it to Hansack at first. GREAT PLAY.

Win tonight, Red Sox! Fresh fish Adam Mills starts for Pawtucket. Rhode Island gadabout Kei Igawa starts for SWB. DO IT.

9.1.08 Red Sox v. Iron Pigs - s. to L .

Red Sox win 9-2. Squishy balls for everybody!

Bartolo was strong, real strong. He doesn't look as fat in person.

I don't what more I can say. Thank you and good night? But first...

1. The Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs are hopeless. I cringed five times just watching. The fielding is probably the worst. RJ Swindle was the victim of some shoddy fielding... he was visibly disgusted.
2. And, lo, a vision appeared before me on the mound at McCoy Stadium. Matt Childers, Iron Pigs relief pitcher. So, so good looking. They. Cannot. Touch. Him.
3. As I was leaving the park, one of the players drove past me toward the exit. Totally smoking weed. He apparently could not even wait until he got on the highway! It was wafting out his slightly opened window... DAMN.
4. So some guy came and sat behind me and he was pretty annoying ("THAT WAS A STRIKE! COME ON, UMP!"). However, he sounded so much like the lead singer of Molly Hatchet that I couldn't be too irritated. I kinda wanted to turn around and shout, "Flirtin' with Disaster!!!!"
5. One of the Jeffs hit a home run. Pretty sure it was Natale, the Good Jeff. The Evil Jeff (Corsaletti) says stuff like, "When my hot girlfriend told me that the Sox drafted me, I was definitely excited to be part of an organization as prominent as them."
6. I will definitely try to go to Lehigh Valley next year. I just hope that sweet, sweet Matt Childers is still there.

Game one of the semi-finals tomorrow. I'm nervous.

By the way, Boston Red Sox, you can keep Van Every.

Not the Admiral, the other guy.

"Service time is measured in the number of days on the 25-man roster or the Major League DL. It is measured in decimal form with the number of years to the left of the decimal and the number of days on the right. Thus a number of 16.134 reads 16 years and 134 days of service time. 172 days equals a year so 2.172 equals 3.000 years of service time. There are 182 days per season (162 games plus 20 off-days), but a player cannot obtain more than 172 days of service per year."

Pardon me, but I object to this egregious corruption of the decimal system. That's almost as bad as saying 3.1 innings is the same as 3 1/3 innings. Which they do all the time.

The decimal system is honest and pure and true. I love baseball, but they shouldn't fuck with the decimal system. THEY COULDN'T HAVE USED A SLASH?

Team MVP goes to Joe Thurston

No one deserves this award more.

8.31.08 Pawtucket Red Sox v. Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs

2-1 Pawtucket. Edgar Martinez continues to be an honest man on the mound.

Martinez pitched six scoreless innings. He gave up four hits and two walks. Five Lehigh Valley batters struck out against Guapo.

Hunter Jones took over in the seventh and ran into problems, giving up a walk and a single and chucking a wild pitch homeward. He escaped, but gave up a run in the next inning when Iron Pigs DH Chris Snelling singled home Andy Tracy, who'd hit a double in his at-bat.

Team MVP Joe Thurston was responsible for the win. He hit a two-run homer in the third inning. Without him, Pawtucket is nothing.

That is all. I'm heading to the park for the last regular game of the season. Bartolo Colon is pitching. Can you picture that?

they put a hotwire to my head

Congratulations to Bowden for his major league start. I guess.

If I were Pauley, though, I'd be BULLSHIT. I'm sure he called all his friends and family and stuff and everyone was looking forward to his start. I wonder who broke the news to him?

I would be so pissed off if I were Dave Pauley.

8.30.08 Pawtucket Red Sox v Buffalo Bisons - no pido que todos los dias sean de sol...

Pawtucket! Loses! Again! 11-10 in ten innings. It is completely Lincoln Holdzkom's fault. Sorry, Mrs. Holdzkom, it's true. Your son is a terrible reliever.

Devern Hansack is back off the DL. He took it easy tonight, working two innings and giving up two runs (one was a solo HR by former relevant major leaguer Morgan Ensburg) on four hits. He then stripped off his sweaty uniform and took a hot, steamy shower with his eyes closed. The game was tied at two after he left, but Pawtucket scored three runs in the bottom of the second.

GV singled to kick off the second. And then Danielson singled. And then JV singled in Velazquez! And then Josh... wait... Wilson. The other Wilson, not Jack. Yeah, Josh. Anyway, Wilson doubled in Spike Danielson and JV. It was crazy!

The very nice but very inconsistent Jose Vaquedano jumped into the third inning and allowed a two-run homer by Jordan "I'm Jordan Brown" Brown. So that was good. Metro lefty Jon Switzer pitched the fourth and fifth inning and gave up the tying fifth run in the fourth, when Jorge Velandia hit an RBI single.

However! Pawtucket pulled ahead 7-5 in the fifth inning when Dusty Brown sacrificed Jason Lane home and BFF Gil Danielson and Sean Velazquez hit back-to-back singles AGAIN.

Top of the sixth. Red Sox ahead 7-5. Stinkin' Lincoln Holdzkom steps in. He immediately gives up a double to pain-in-the-ass outfielder Trevor Crowe. Holdzkom got the next guy, Velandia... but it advanced Crowe to third and friggin' Jordan Brown singled him home. D'oh! Mike Aubrey pinch hit for Travis Hafner and knocked another single to left.

So... Holdzkom walks Todd Linden... gets a coaching visit. Catcher Chris Gimenez is next and HE singles! Jordan Brown scores! Tie game!

Morgan Ensberg then comes up and hits a two-run single. Holdzkom eventually got the last two outs, but jesus. Why'd he have to come back?

Pawtucket fought back and whatnot but Chris Smith blew the tie in the tenth inning. Pawtucket went down uno-dos-tres in the bottom of the tenth up against Buffalo freak Bubbie "Edward" Buzachero. Good night and please drive carefully.

That is one nutty hospital. I could write a thousand words or more on this game. But I didn't go, so shame on me.

nunco he sido lanzadores asi como los que tiene Pawtucket!
1. New kid Marcus McBeth pitched three strong, giving up a solo home run to Cannizaro in the seventh. He had four strikeouts. I like McBeth a lot. He's also a musician, did you know that? And not some redneck asshole with a guitar and a crush on Toby Keith.
2. Oh yeah, so last homestand I saw Holdzkom at the park... I told someone to go ask him what he was doing there. I guess he cleared waivers and was back in Pawtucket? Except he also said he was 'sort of on vacation'. I should have asked him myself, I guess.
3. Joe Thurston's back! He was caught stealing and picked off. He also went 2-5.
4. Dusty Brown did a terrific job, going 3-4 with a double and three RBI.
5. Danielson again with an outfield assist. What have I told you people?
6. Little known fact: Sean Danielson is Mexican. Probably more than Velazquez is. But not as much as I am.

Tomorrow: Guapo Time! Love love love...

The Most Valuable Player in the International League (post-prandial)

This is such a Mom and Dad picture. Look at your son... you should be proud. Look at that handsome boy!

8.29.08 Pawtucket Red Sox v Buffalo Bisons - Who's That Guy?

Buffalo WINS! 2-0

Starting pitcher for Buffalo: Scott Lewis. WHO? I have not heard of this kid before, but now I will never forget him.

The left-handed Lewis really socked it to Pawtucket. George Kottaras singled in the second and Carter singled in the fifth, but that was that. Both kids were erased by double plays.

Scott Lewis faced the minimum 18 batters in six innings. He had no walks and six strikeouts. He threw 72 pitches... 53 for strikes. Pawtucket looked like shit against him.

Charlie Zink was the opposition. Zink had a great start and under different circumstances would have gotten the win. He pitched eight innings, giving up a solo home run to right fielder Todd Linden. The second run of the night occurred when an error out in foul territory (convergence of infielders) allowed Andy Cannizaro to dash home from third.

Zink had three walks and three strikeouts. Kyle Snyder pitched a scoreless ninth inning, giving up a pair of singles because he's no closer.

park life:
1. Devern Hansack spent the evening in the bullpen. Not sure what's going on with that.
2. No Joe Thurston in the lineup. For that matter, I don't think he was even in the park.
3. I saw Travis Hafner exiting the building. He big-timed the fans. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
4. From my seat near third base, I got a good look at the fielding style of Gil Velazquez at short. It is somewhat impressive. I like how he goes balls-out for tough plays and doesn't half-ass it, even when he knows he's got little to no chance of getting the runner out. He is currently my Favourite.
5. Buffalo's Jason Cooper is a devoted Christian? I won't believe it! No way! Anyhoo, Cooper has been in Buffalo for FIVE YEARS. He's broken the modern era record for most games in a Buffalo uniform (over 400). He is also wicked hot.
6. Victor Martinez was also at McCoy. Allegedly. I did not see him.
7. Former Red Sox greats Tony Graffanino and John Halama were in the house as well. I can't believe it either.

No weekend games for me, but I'll be at the last game of the year on Labor Day. Then playoffs.

CANNIZARO!!!!!

posse

Now that the Boston Red Sox have acquired seasoned outfielder and consummate professional Mark Kotsay, it seems as though Pawtucket slugger Jeff Bailey is somewhat superfluous. I would certainly hope that Theo Epstein takes the PawSox playoff run into consideration and sends the IL MVP back to Pawtucket. Bailey is an important part of the team and in order for Pawtucket to be successful in the post-season, they need him in the leadoff spot.




Mark Kotsay! Yeah! Party! OAKLAND A'S FIRE OIL!!!!

NOW can we get Bailey back? You guys have barely touched him! We need him here in Pawtucket.

YOU ARE NOT EVEN REALLY USING HIM!!!!

Or do we have to go and get him tomorrow? I'm rounding up a bunch of rotten Rhode Islanders and we are going to lasso, hogtie, and shanghai Bailey and suit him up.

DON'T TOUCH!!

Nomar's grandmother loves him.

I used to think baseball players were these awesome, cool guys who were livin' la vida loca and truly just excited to be playing baseball for a living.

Then I started to realize, hey, they're just regular guys! Like you! And me!

And then I realized that they were awful. A bunch of generic asshole jock meatheads. No wonder sportswriters hate them. Even the guys that are nice to your face... it's all an act. You think it's just superstars like, say, Brandon Inge or something that act like assholes? WRONG. Even low-minors guys like LARS ANDERSON are capable of schmuckdom.

Even worse are some of the guys in the minors who really are just roster filler... and they're just too hot shit for all of you bitches.

But lately I am trying to remember that there are a few normal guys around. And that they are someone's beloved son or husband or grandchild or brother. Who may internet search their precious baby and read vicious, unsubstantiated blogs and get upset.

I think the point I'm trying to make is... should I give out an 'Asshole of the Year' award to a PawSox player? I definitely have someone in mind!

K SWB!!!!!

8.27.08 - Pawtucket kicks a man when he's down.

14-4 Pawtucket. Lehigh Valley can't get up off the mat.

We're all going to the game tomorrow night. You should go. It's the last homestand before the playoffs.

I may never see Jeff Bailey again. I heard one of the radio guys do a Bailey impression and it was so funny. Uhhhhmmm... he won the league MVP. So he's above average today.

“I need to find out a little more about that I guess. Maybe I get a free gift certificate for that or something,” Bailey said of winning the MVP award.

Charlie Zink won the IL's Most Valuable Pitcher award. He gets a FREE gift certificate to Auto Zone!

In a related story, new awesome relief pitcher Marcus MacBeth is some kind of piano player/vocalist? That's what they tell me.

RED SOX CLINCH PLAYOFF SPOT

No, they did not win tonight, but Toledo lost and that was good enough.

The Yankees won. Pawtucket is now 3.5 games behind in the division, so it looks like hot wild card action.

The radio guys (Hoard, Hyder) tried to get some player reaction from the clubhouse in Rochester but it was far too zany. You could hear howls of ecstasy... I don't know, it sounded really wild. Dan Hoard took a moment to reflect on the players who'd contributed to the PawSox's success but were no longer on the team (or were in Boston). He mentioned Bailey and Pauley, the Mighty Gronkiewicz, Jed Lowrie and Brandon Moss. He even mentioned the disastrous Chad Spann.

He omitted Craig Hansen. I'm sure it was a mere oversight.

In a related story, Dan Hoard is kind of hot. Is that weird? Yeah. It's really weird.

Congratulations to the PawSox kidz and to manager Ron Johnson and to the entire organization.

JOE!!! TAKE US TO THE PLAYOFFS!!