If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament!"
I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
I got an ant farm. Them fellows didn't grow shit. I said, "C'mon, what about some celery?"
I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3am, and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am, and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at 10 and say, "Hey I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever! Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the lights a bunch of koala bears scatter, and I don't want them to, and I'm like "hey, hold on, fellas! Lemme hold one of you. Feed you a leaf" Koala bears they're so fucking cute. Why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, and I will apprehend one, and hold him, and pet him on the back of his head.
Xylophone is spelled with an X. It should be a Z. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don't fucking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z. If someone tells you you're wrong, say "no I aint." If you think that that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will incidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy now, you fucking X?"
I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for doughnut."
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "You really like Tide."
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
We almost nearly had to remove one of our potential little readers from a huge mother f'n group of little readers (I work for a children's educational publisher) due to the fact that it contained the word "joey" to describe a baby koala. One of their Australian professors said, "Oh, no, that's a baby kangaroo, not a baby koala!" But, the fact is, the baby koala is also known as a joey. Ha! Take that, wise ass, professor type!
Imagine tryin' to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a mother f'n group of little readers.
But yeah, TJ by that professor. Jennie just went to Australia and showed me her pics of koalas. They were indeed cute but I think they're really mean.
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