Do you ever dream of me? Do you ever see the letters that I write?

Sean McAdam makes me stop spinning the radio dial when I hear his voice. Sean McAdam makes me do dirty, secret things like listen to WEEI.

I heard SA on the way into work yesterday and someone wondered aloud whether the Marlins should change their name if they move to Portland because technically, there are no Marlins in Portland.

McAdam said, "There's no jazz in Utah!" Brilliant.

How many times can you e-mail someone before you start looking like a stalker?

Schmoston

For the wreck, these pictures are so, so pretty.

Do you remember those cheesy little Red Sox player pins they sold at Cumberland Farms in 2004? Well, I bought almost all of them and collected them in the special pin-collecting folder helpfully provided by the Boston Globe. And at this point I have only a handful left. Today I wore Ramiro Mendoza. Before that I brazenly wore Keith Foulke because I Will Always Love Him. By the time June hits, it'll most likely be Scott Williamson or Mark Malaska.

In 2005 they had player pendants instead, which even I had to admit were heinous and tacky. Word on the street is some of the less popular players can be purchased cheaply at Job Lot these days. For the gal who has everything: a John Halama necklace. Sweet.

Boston won today, which was nice, but I secretly think it would be neat if Toronto won the division.

4.22.06: Paw v. Buffalo Bisons (CLE) - The Two Mrs. Chois

First and foremost, I gotta say the PawSox are a bitchin' organization. All the fans that hung around in spite of the dismal weather got a FREE ticket to Tuesday's game. Classy. And damn, yo, it was cold. I was shivering so hard that I couldn't hold my binoculars straight. It also didn't help that the game lasted 3 1/2 hours. Nine innings. When the Bisons' manager had what seemed like his 50th beef with the ump, one fan shouted, "Come on! It's COLD!"

Pawtucket WINS! 6-2

"Here are tonight's starting line-ups" :

PAW BUF
Stern CF Gutierrez CF
Minges LF Inglett DH
Pedroia SS Garko 1B
Choi DH Insufferable Prick Cooper LF
Bailey 1B Merloni 3B
"Allen" RF Gautreau 2B
Nye 3B Francisco RF
Durrington C Flores SS
Machado 2B Diaz C

RHP Deschenes LHP Sowers

Macho Marc Deschenes was totally tuff on the hill, kicking off with a 12-up, 12-down first four. Hail, yeah. He gave up a pair of singles in the 5th to Stupid Fat Cooper and Lou Merloni (hoo, boy, the fans creamed themselves over that one). Sixth inning was uno, dos, tres with one K (his third and final). Tim Bausher gave up 2 singles and hit a batter in the 7th and 8th. Got my first look at clubhouse smarty-pants Craig Breslow in the 8th / 9th and he is a physical oddity I can only describe as knobby. The Bausher-inherited runners Diaz and Gutierrez scored in the 8th.

And now for something completely different: Buffalo pitching. A slender, trembling reed named Jeremy Sowers threw the ball with his left hand for 4 2/3 innings, giving up 4 runs. Awww. His relief was a six-and-a-half-foot limbsy hothead named Brown who wasn't a whole lot better. Finishing off the game was righty Hyang-Nam Choi, who really needs to work on his mean face.

Pawtucket O-Fence - Adam Stern stole approximately 40 bases and was 2 for 3. Naw, for reals, he had 4 stolen bases in 5 attempts. Crazy! First baseman Jeff Bailey was the mule of the game with 4 freaking K's. Dustin Pedroia had 2 walks and a double and is quite the little infielder, but let's face it. He's short. The world does not need another Eckstein.

The Bisons? I guess Joe Inglett was helpful with his 2 singles.

The Movie Star and the Rest:
1. I got to see Hee-Seop Choi! You look at him and you think, this guy does not belong in the minors.
2. Luke Allen Report: Luke Allen is burly and was a flailing mess at the plate last night. I'm assuming he doesn't do well against lefties, even if they haven't yet gone through puberty.
3. If you're wondering why the hell Trent Durrington was catching last night, join the club. It could quite possibly have been some kind of talent showcase. It's times like these I find myself frustrated by my limited baseball knowledge. It's also times like these when I want to just call McCoy stadium and ask for Ron Johnson and ask him myself. I mean, why not? Would they patch me through? Why can't I call and ask him? Maybe I'll write him a letter.
4. It was awfully cold last night. The vendors were selling hot chocolate instead of soda.
5. When pitchers are out there in 35 degree weather with little short sleeves on, is it to prove how tough and inured to the elements they are? Because no one's going to think any less of you if you put on a light wrap.
6. Abe Alvarez was charting the pitches last night and I almost felt bad for him. He looked really, really bored and cold.
7. Andy Marte didn't play last night, damn it.
8. I never liked Lou Merloni, but I reckon he's got a bright future in used car sales in Natick or Norwood or something.

I'll be at the park Tuesday and Wednesday night. See you there!

The vicious dirtbags at Nestle have gone and bought out Libby... or at the very least Juicy Juice, who made some of my favorite little juice boxes. And now I can't buy Juicy Juice any more. I'm already extremely limited when I go to the grocery store so this isn't really helping. Why, Libby, why?!

Apple and Eve, hang in there. Boycott Nestle!

Congratulations to Phil et Noelle the Volitile. I'm looking forward to a baby born with jet black hair, fierce love of humanity, and healthy hatred for the cool kids. I'm gonna be an auntie!

PS I hope it's a girl.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'M SORRY!"

I have a 3-game debt that I have to pay, so here goes. I'll make it quick.

4.18.06: Pawtucket @ Durham Bulls - Durham WINS! 9-6

The Durham Bulls are Tampa Bay's franchise team, and accordingly, they have some sizzling prospects there. Delmon Young, BJ Upton, Elijah Dukes. Rah, rah, rah.

Starter Matt Ginter gave up 6 of the runs.

4.19.06: Pawtucket @ Durham - Pawtucket WINS! 6-0

Jimmy Serrano started for Pawtucket. Choi and Buckley homered.


4.20.06: P@D - w: DUR 8-3

White-hot Buckley goes yard again, but all for naught. Lester started the game but don't get all weird and start thinking he blew it again. He pitched well. Blame the relief corps. More specifically, blame knucklehead Charlie Zink for giving up 3 runs in the 5th.

The International League web site looks exactly like the MLB web site. This is not a good thing. It's cluttered and flashy and not at all helpful.

Abe Alvarez goes tonight. Let's get Pawtucket out of the cellar. I have a ticket for the game tomorrow and I HAVE TO get out of work early enough to make the 6:00 start.

Cambridge & Columbia

I worked in Cambridge today and on the way home on the Pike we went past the park. It looked so cool from the highway and for a second, I got it again.

Then the car went under the bridge and all I could think of was how many times I've walked over that bridge after getting off at Kenmore and how the throngs of fans always elicit honks from the traffic below.

And now I wonder if I take it all for granted.

Ron Calloway will be 30 this year!

Do you want to make more Ron I. Calloway? Sure, we all do!

Ron Calloway is a left-handed outfielder. He was a bench guy on the Expos in '03. (Wow, remember the Expos? That was pretty funny.) He got his first hit that year during his first major league at-bat offa Greg Maddux.

RC was in the Mets system last year, playing for the AAA Tides.

Ron Calloway can't really hit.

This entry was written by Jenny, Grade 5.

Pedro Martinez am, is, was, are and be my eternal Red Sox hero. I will miss him in Boston forever. He deserved more ceremony, damn it.

Felicidades, Rey de Lanzadores.

Wow, I hadn't heard that.

Wait a minute... is that Loretta's first homerun? On any level? Really? Because I haven't heard that like a thousand times in the past 24 hours.

come back little raven and bite my face

At last, a Boston game that held my interest. I had to listen to it on a brokedick radio at work. I knew if the Red Sox lost, I'd be pissed. The old sick and disgusted feeling from seasons past started creeping in during the 9th and I missed the audio of Lowrider's walkoff. My boss kind of asided it to me about 6 minutes after it happened. Like, oh! By the way!

It's good to see a player becoved Nomar-style on a red jersey day. Very good game. Pawtucket's back on Saturday!

By the way, Dustan Mohr may be unable to connect with a baseball on a meaningful level, but don't let his poncy bat fool you. He's big and mean and red-eyed and will decapitate you for whiskey money.

4.17.06: Pawtucket @ Charlotte: Last chance for love

6-4 Charlotte

Paw starter: Deschenes
Char: Hideo Nomo

Loss gets hung on Orange Bumatay, who gave up 3 runs in the 6th, plumping up his ERA to 6.75. International Man of Mystery Luke Allen had an RBI double in the 4th.

Charlotte reliever Chad Bentz gets the win.

I'd also like to add that I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, but I'm disappointed that I can't find a lot of International League game coverage on the internet. I promise that I am going to try harder to provide accurate and informative and readable game summaries. I hired one person to attend home games when I can't do it. I'm not going to be able to do all the games, but I'll try and get as many as a can. And I'll also try to be a little more organized. I'd like to reinvent the box score, too. Yeah!

I'm unprofessional and amateurish and I plan on keeping it that way. We'll see how it goes.

4.16.06 Pawtucket defeats Charlotte 10-3

The loose-limbed Abe Alvarez does it again. Much like Jesus Christ on this day, the bats rose from the dead. Big thanks and a tip o' the lynch lid to E. Wilson, Popeye Machado, and Hustlin' Willie Harris (who I think I love already) for hitting home runs.

See you tomorrow.

Ever look at a flower and hate it?

I love Bill Haselman. I was really happy when Lynn Jones stabbed himself in the eye and Hass got to coach first base. I loved him in Pawtucket, too. And when I saw him today doling out tender and encouraging ass-pats to baserunners, I got to thinking. Shave his head. Yeah... shave it. And iron up a dupe Josh Bard jersey. Think about it. Who'll know the difference when he's all geared up? See? Instant experienced knuckleball catcher! Then just stick Ino or Jim Rowe or somebody out on first and say Haselman has a pulled trilateral rotator quad sprain that needs intense icing.

I'm looking forward to seeing Jermaine Van Buren in Boston. Dinardo can't pitch more than five innings, so I'm hoping Van Buren'll come out and play on Monday!

All my Easter plans were shot to hell today just because I forgot my locker combination. But good baseball! There was a NL game on the Atlanta Braves channel that was pretty good... saw the original two-faced reliever Alan Embree doing the Georgia devil / blue-eyed pixie thing for San Diego. And, uh, whoa, Mike Remlinger? Oh, Atlanta, you make it hard for me to hate you.

Since my brother's moving to the Bay Area, I'm thinking about flying out with one of my plane tickets and catching some A's games. They're visited by Boston in late June but I dunno. I think it might be more fun to see them play the Angels or something.

And as far as going to Rochester... Scranton-WB is so much closer. Mid-August tentatively.

4.15.06 Pawtucket @ Charlotte: More Lester Fellatio

Charlotte wins, 7-4

The Pawtucket Times has a terrible web site. Pawtucket is spelled "Pawtuckett" in at least one place. Furthermore, the Charlotte newspaper has precious few words for their AAA team. Could it be because they don't really play in Charlotte? Or even in North Carolina, for that matter?

Lester blew it all over the place again, giving up 5 runs in 2 1/3 innings. Am I worried about this? No. I watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream. I don't sweat losses like I once may have. New guy Luke Allen homered at one point.

Who is Luke Allen, you and I ask? How should I know? He doesn't exist! The linked article talks about his PCL time a little bit (Brad Mills knows him well) but there's fuck-all else about him on the internet.

Oh, wait, one thing. We have the same birthday. Me and him and Clemens.

Correction:

I may have implied in an earlier post that I saw big, fat Walter Young playing first base for the Padres in ST. The first baseman in question was not in fact Mr. Walter Young, but the eerily similar- looking Mark Bellhorn.

Just kidding! It was Eric Young, another bench fatty. I apologize to any parties suffering emotional damage as a result of my misleading post. Go Pads!

Be kind. Don't go to Dunkin' Donuts tomorrow.

4.14.06 Pawtucket @ Charlotte: Good Friday or GREAT Friday?

P-Sox win, 5-4

Brainy McBreslow gets the dub, even though he only pitched 2 innings. Tim Bausher was outstanding in his relief work, in spite of having a blister-like blister the other night! I think he pitched 3 1/3. And know how I was wondering aloud about Hee-Seop Choi? Hit a home run. So did Jeff Bailey.

Hope they start hitting for real now.

The List: 2002

Here're the rankings from '02:

1. Nomar Garciaparra
2. Brian Daubach
3. Trot Nixon
4. Jason Varitek
5. Shea Hillenbrand / Johnny Damon
6. Derek Lowe
7. Manny Ramirez
8. Tony Clark / Casey Fossum (whoa)
9. Pedro Martinez / Cliff Floyd
10. Lou Merloni
11. Rey Sanchez / Tim Wakefield / Doug Mirabelli
12. Ricky Henderson
13. Carlos Baerga
14. John Burkett

I see your sister in her Sunday dress.

I was thinking that since I'm going to be all alone on Easter that I might go see the Norwich Navigators. It's a little more than an hour away, I think, and I've never been. Well, Good Golly Miss Molly, they don't exist anymore! They've been replaced by the "Connecticut Defenders" !

Neither team's playing Easter anyway, but the Seadogs are! I kind of want to go, but probably not enough to get up that early and drive the 2.3 hours.

I'll play it by ear, I guess.

for us, these are the days

Do you remember '03, the postseason, when Lilly was on the A's and Todd Walker, Adrian Brown, and coupla other Sox Staffers spelled out "LIL-LY" on the backs of their jackets when he was pitching? And everybody was so disgusted and talked about how bush that was?

Ted Lilly in very Neil Young-like fashion said he thought it was funny. And so did I.

Every time he knots up Boston hitting I think, Lilly is ice cold. He looks so benevolent but he is poison.

Who is this weird kid with the 'burns pitching for Toronto? Tallet?

Pawtucket won 5-0 today. Matt Ginter pitched 5 strong and Enrique Wilson hit a two-run homer. And that's the end of that homestand. God, they go by so fast.

By the way, what happened to Kason Gabbard? Is he still in Portland? And when can I expect to see Choi?

Pawtucket v. Roch 4.13.06: Durrington's Starting to Happen.

Last night while I was watching some educational programming my brother called me from Pawtucket. And I'm all, You're still at the game? And he's all, It's the Top of the 16th.

Pawtucket lost 4-3, yes, but that's okay. Outfielder Trent Durrington pitched 3 innings last night. Phil told me that he didn't clock higher than 74-ish. Before that, third baseman Rodney Nye stymied Rochester with his rusty little knuckleball for two innings. Why doesn't shit like this ever happen when I'm there?

Deschenes started for Pawtucket, Dennys Reyes for the Red Wings.

And Brooke is a total crybaby.

I don't know, Malaska.

Sources tell me that Mark Malaska had a rough spring and is considering quitting baseball.

I'll believe it when I see it. If it's true, uh, thanks, dude.

I don't hate the Yankees anymore.

Well, not really. I will never stop hating Alex Rodriguez. And Jason Giambi... bleeeaaghgh. But how can you not love the Sexy Space Alien? Or have mad respect for Torre?

I wasn't even really that upset when Damon crossed over. Of course, it sucks to lose such a great leadoff hitter, but there you go. I don't blame him for doing it.

My brother is a Yankees fan, but he's been that way since he was very small. He says it's because when he was a ked, the New York announcers seemed so exciting that he couldn't help but root for the Yankees. He's mostly good and rational about it, but I do have to hear about how disgusted he is with Red Sox fans. And you know what? There're a lot of disgusting, stupid, ugly Red Sox fans out there. It's easy to hate on Yankees fans, but come on. Try and objectively look around you and think about it. Walk past the Cask and Flagon on game day. Or take a ride on the Red Line to Quincy Adams after a game. And what about all those URI meatheads during the postseason? Or "Yankees Suck, Jeter Swallows"?

Next month I'm going to Yankee stadium for the first time with my brother and I'll be rooting for the A's, but only because I'm an A's fan. It's gonna be fun.

So, should I just drive there or what? Park and ride? It's a day game... I'd appreciate any tips / suggestions.

By the way, the Dropkick Murphys SUCK. They used to play at Lupo's and stuff all the time and all the Boston skins would come down and act like assholes. I guess they've progressed musically but... they suck. Fire up one of their old CD's and you'll see what I mean.

I also hate Wally the Green Monster. Just stop with that.

IT'S NOT REAL GOLD!

Pawtucket v. Rochester 4.11.06: The Real Minnesota Twins

The Rochester Red Wings have a new pitching coach! His name is Stu Cliburn, and he is manager Stan "Van" Cliburn's twin brother! Adorable!

This game was going on while I was a state away pigging out on a Cuban sandwich and drinking 38 Schilling Scottish Ale so here's what I know. Pawtucket won on a 2-run Jeff Bailey HR and that's the sum of the offense. 2-0.

My favorite Pawtucket lefty Abe Alvarez had a no-hitter going until the top of the sixth... Alex Romero led off with a double. Breslow pitched the last two innings and obviously did not allow a run.

Boof Bonser started for the Red Wings. He's big, durable, and may languish in the minors for all eternity unless he starts busting out.

As far as Alvarez, we all remember his crappy spot start in '04. His pitching in Pawtucket is good to excellent, but can he start in Boston? It must be hard to be in that position... sometimes you must feel like you're going to die in AAA.

Once again I'm thinking about going to Rochester at some point this summer for a Pawtucket game. I seem to remember it being... 6.5 hours away? I've always been a Twins fan and I'd totally be up for this. August 7-9 they'll be there. Hmmm.

I forgot to mention that yesterday's Red Sox home opener was sponsored by Verizon. Sometimes I hate MLB.

Sometimes just a kitten.

The skinny Jesus guy on the bridge with the sandwich board and the tracts is a spy.

Good game today. Sort of quiet and subdued, but good.

If you are relying on me to tell you what happened, then God help you.

I will say that Beckett's first inning was deja-vu all over again, walking in a run just like Lester last night in Pawtucket. Unlike Lester, Beckett settled down. Thanks for that.

Before the game started, a little Jimmy Fund kid in a wheelchair was rolled out to sing the national anthem. I do not know about the other park attendees, but I had a hard time keeping my composure. The same could be said for Foulke, but he was fighting back laughter, not tears. I love Foulke, but damn, he is a grade-A redneck asshole.

Mark Loretta's at-bat song is "Lowrider". Get it? Mark... Low-retta? Low...rider? Lowrider did nothing offensively today, unlike my handsome new boyfriend Mike Lowell.

As for Pena... Trot woulda had it. Trot would have ripped his glove arm off and held it up with his other arm to catch it if he had to. I know you know that. Don't make excuses.

Afterwards, we went to Watch City Brewery in Waltham. Vee and I are calling for a moratorium on your stupid fucking Coach / LV / Kate Spade / Vera Whatserface pocketbooks. You really need to stop with that shit.

Pawtucket v. Rochester Red Wings 4.10.06: Hey, Nineteen - Henry Bonilla!

5-0 Rochester

This may have been the most sparsely attended PawSox game I've ever attended, not that you'd know it from looking at my section. See, when a lefty pitches, I sit on the first base side to get a better look at the hands and face of the pitcher. But the thing I forgot about? Large parties of children sit on that side. That's prime Group Outing area. I thought I had a nice, quiet seat until the bottom of the first, when an entire middle school filled out all the seats around me. And, Lord, they are UGLY at that age. Bastard Kids!

Lester started but didn't last long. He wasn't throwing strikes. 2 1/3 innings, 3 walks, three hits. I do believe he can only get better. And the offense... two hits, both singles.

Got my first look at reliever Mike Holtz, a man about whom I know nothing. He did well for himself.


Obviously, Rochester's pitching was better. Josh Rabe had a great night, going 3 for 3! He also participated in the seldom-seen double steal with teammate Jason Bartlett in the 2nd inning. They made it look so easy, too.

The miscellany:

-Bullpen watch - Tim Bauscher was trying to light a bat on fire. He did get it to smolder. I guess that's what passes for entertainment during those long, cold games.

- When Delcarmen was taking the mound and getting a few warmup pitches in, they played a My Bloody Valentine song. I don't know the title. It was so incongruous that I may have to call the park tomorrow and ask to speak to a manager.

- Huckaby just gets right in there and drops his batch in the dirt. I've never seen another catcher get down like that.

- I noticed at the opening game that the players on both teams were giving the umps a load of static. The same thing happened tonight to a stronger degree. If I'm not mistaken, the International League umps are on strike and the guys I've been seeing are replacements. So are they just really shitty at calling games or do they just not get any respect because they're not exactly pros?

They're not very good at calling games. I don't know much, but I know that. If they keep it up, they're gonna get jumped in the parking lot. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying they need to be a little more careful.

- Jim Thome could possibly be dumber than Shea Hillenbrand. No joke, folks.

- Opening Day at Fenway tomorrow!

The All-Ugly Nine

Papelbon said on the radio yesterday, "It's really not that big of a deal."

Do you not believe him?

Also, am I supposed to feel sorry for Derek Lowe? And why is it such shocking news that he's a fuckup? I think everyone has known he's a basket case for years now. They don't print that stuff in the paper, but it gets around. Believe me.

Pawtucket Red Sox v. Indianapolis Indians 4.6.06

Winner: Pawtucket, in dramatic fashion, busting a 9th inning tie with a ground ball / shabby relay to home plate score. Yeah. 3-2. Thanks, Machado.

A lot of new kids playing ball this year, which means I'd better study up. My close friend and favorite Pawtucket pitcher Abe Alvarez started the game, which was great. Indy countered with a lefty of their own, Tom Gorzelanny. And he was pretty solid after a shaky first.

I didn't score the game, because I... well, I didn't have a writing instrument. I was too busy wrangling all the hats and scarves and mittens and blankets and boots to make sure I had one. So I don't have much to add other than that "Amazing Grace" played on bagpipes makes me well up.

Couple of things: Every time I see those old Pawtucket rats in their grubby caps and afghans I think... that is going to be me someday. I'll be the little old raisin lady with the pom-pom hat and the torn seat cushion. And I'll smell bad to boot.

I sat near Manny Delcarmen's parents and let me tell you. His mom is adorable. She was wearing his varsity jacket. They were so excited when he pitched, and they had every right to be. Delcarmen was great. DelCarmen. Whatev.

My seats were really, really good, but I don't think I like sitting behind a net. It makes me a little cross-eyed.

Here's to the season's progression and warmer days and Jermaine Van Buren and never paying for parking.

Newsflash:

I like the San Diego Padres.

And it has almost nothing to do with the the former Red Sox players on the team.

I'm thinking about using my free plane tickets to go to San Diego. Who wants to come with me?

I like the San Diego Padres.

We are not your batting practice.

Whew. Everything went well today, although only nine people showed up. Sometimes I feel like we're a gypsy baseball team, roving from field to field, moving under cover of night and trying to avoid high school kids and meatheads and pseudo-authority figures demanding permits.

Some guys from an adjacent field sent over a representative to see if we wanted a little action. We agreed, and the next thing you know these five hulking he-men were taking the field. Believe me, their skill levels were a country mile beyond ours, and before it got too dark to play they were ahead 6-0.

It doesn't take a genius to figure why they wanted to scramble with a bunch of scrubs such as ourselves. I'll grudgingly admit that it was good practice for us, but if those gorillas think they can use us like that every Sunday, they have another thing coming!

Quick shout-out to Armando and Sons Meat Market in Pawtucket. I thought it'd be a darling little butcher shop in my neighborhood. I was not prepared for the crowds and the insanity and the hot, hot meat cutters. They have a cafeteria, too!

It won't be the same without you. Please come.

The time has come to say 'fair's fair'.

It seems very early to me. I'm not... fully awake but here's the pitch. We're having a baseball team kick-off barbecue THIS AFTERNOON at 2 and my phone rang this morning and let's just say I have to go out and buy, like, EVERYTHING. That includes a hibachi.

I called the manager of the team ( I like to call him Skipper ) and made it very clear that he needed to have a heart and go out and buy at least ONE THING!

Am I being a martyr about this? I hope so. This'll get me some serious Altruism Points.

I know what's gonna happen. Five hungover people are going to show up and we're going to have all this leftover crap and I'm not sure that I've ever used a hibachi before. But, hey, let's play some ball!

How do we sleep while our beds are burning?

Take that, Martha Smith!

Pawtucket dances the night away.

Overrated in Rhode Island (first in a series)

Have you ever eaten at Tortilla Flats on Providence's East Side? I have. Newsflash: THE FOOD IS WORSE THAN MEDIOCRE. The service is usually shitty, too. It's such a lame attempt at Mexican food. I guess the only thing going for it is that the cool kids drink there. But come on.

And how about the beloved Twin Oaks in Cranston? First of all, it kind of looks like Mike Brady designed it. It's a lot of amber glass and smoke-stained wood paneling and stiff, black and white pictures of dead Italian local politicians. And the Cranston / North Prov / Johnstonite patrons are straight out of central casting.

Is the food bad? No, of course not. But Twin Oaks is definitely overrated.

Finally, Wright's Farm in Nasonville (not a real city). Less a restaurant than a poultry compound, navigating the multi-tiered parking lot is the first problem. The humiliation continues when you are forced to line up and wait until you're escorted into a what resembles an airplane hangar filled with cafeteria tables. Then, you have to shout to be heard above the hordes of white people being served Family Style Chicken out of steaming vats. Slop slop, scrape scrape, chomp chomp, good night!

Last time I went there for a family party, my sister and I solemnly shook hands across the table and vowed we'd never return.

And the food isn't that good.

Tom Caron still sucks.

I'm gonna throw a few names out atcha.

Matt White. Ryan Rupe. Chad Fox. Hector Almonte. Bobby Jones. Scott Sauerbeck. Ramiro Mendoza. Brandon Lyon. Todd Jones. Mike Remlinger. Blaine Neal. Terry Adams. Robert Person.

Mike Timlin.

I thought I wouldn't need any money or fame...(I wouldn't need it!)

I won a major award today! A guy from the Peoria Sports Complex in Arizona left a message on my machine. See, while I was attending S.T. and possibly vying for a roster spot I participated in a wacky between-innings promotion.

Yesterday when I got home there was a Speedy Delivery envelope waiting for me from Two Guys. It was... my Home Opener Tickets! With gold leaf and all!

And today I got my Futures tickets. Everything's coming up Milhouse!

Don't like the look of this town

Congratulations to my old boyfriend, Roberto Petagine. The Mariners kept him on their 25-man as a bench guy / pinch hitter. Guess he had a great spring! Maybe I'll see you April 14-17th, k?

Sunday night, Cleveland and Chicago!

Baseball is coming! Baseball is coming! Baseball is coming! Baseball is coming! Yeah, Pedro!! Yeah, baseball! America's Cup, YEAH!!



Hal Reynolds! Sexy Space Alien! El Azteca! Joe and Jerry! Section 12! Baseball! Yeah!






AMERICA'S CUP, YEAH!!!!

How much does a Fenway?

They're calling it "Futures at Fenway" or something. And really, when you think of it, it's kind of pointless for me to go. I've been to Fenway enough times that I'm a little bored with it and I can see Pawtucket any time I like.

But I bought tickets today. God damn it.

PS You can now buy your Beckett jersey. But no Papelbon? How is that even right? JB has wack rims, ask anybody.

Soft as snow (but warm inside)

from ESPN Magazine:

Dan Patrick: Did you see Brokeback Mountain?
Ryan Dempster: I saw it with my wife. And dude, you know what? I'm thinking they could come out with Brokeback Dugout.

DP: So you're Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhaal. Who's your partner?
RD: Gabe Kapler. I'm not saying he's gay. I'm just saying, you know, he's a very good-looking, muscular dude.

As you walk on by, will you call my name?

I'll never forget you, Todd Walker.

Milwaukee Brewers v. Oakland A's 3.4.06 Maryvale!

Girlfriend! All the cool kids hang out at Maryvale! My seats were very good (imagine that, being able to get good seats to a Brewers game) if you consider smack behind home plate good. I sort of don't, because you get no view of the batter.

What you do get to see is a whole lotta pitcher! And I couldn't help but notice the long, leggy Barry Zito prancing around the outfield, warming up and preening...well, stretching, but come on.

The best part was Ben Sheets. I have never gotten to see him pitch before and I was not aware of how freaking huge and ugly he is. He only pitched two innings, but it was awesome. If I had to face him and his extreme pitcher face, I would pee my pants.

The A's lost again, 9-7, but Sausage Race! They Sausage raced! And guess how much the ATM fee was? Four dollars! FOUR DOLLARS!! And for beer, it's Miller or... Miller.

Thanks, Maryvale!

Jolines!

I want to be the girl with the Big Giant Trot Nixon Head on my car, consarn it!

Fuck Panera Bread.

And while we're at it, fuck the Christmas Tree Shop.

Yes, I know Panera bread is delicious. I know. You've told me. Your mom told me. I get it. I'm sure I'd love it, too, if I ate there. Yes, I'm being anti and contrarian. It's what I do.

But guess what? I'm not going. You'd have a better shot at finding me in Niketown or Abercrombie or BJ's or something.

Arizona is experiencing an unprecedented population explosion. Have you seen the metro Phoenix area lately? Well, you don't wanna. And the planned communities... I saw an ad in their Sunday paper for an exciting new family-oriented planned community that had... get this... a "Main Street"! Perfect for ice cream and evening strolls and wrought-iron trash cans and fake gas lamps! How freaking white is that? Hey, here's an idea... you already HAVE a Main Street! Oh, I'm sure it's not as CLEAN as the fake one and there may be some unwashed low-income people meandering around but hey! Embrace a non-climate controlled life once in a blue!

And fuck Panera Bread!

when i come around

If I remember correctly, I told about 60 people last night that I had just seen Papelbon strike out Johnny Damon. This morning I discovered it was the other blonde giant, Mike Timlin. Whoops, my bass!

It's funny how, for the most part, I don't give a rat's ass about Damon getting his hair did and going to NYC. At least until I see him batting against Boston and my corpuscles implode. But again, I'm not so much a Boston Red Sox fan as I am a Pawtucket Red Sox fan these days... and not even that, because I like baseball a little too much and love attending miscellaneous minor league games in which I have no stake in who wins. I just like to see some new people.

When I was a ked I thought the Pawtucket Red Sox were just some guys playing ball, guys from Pawtucket. What did I know? And now, how I wish they were an untethered team that I could just root for and know they were a real team instead of a development farm / waiting room / dying player hospice! I posted about this before. It's like, Boston is saying, "Hey, I noticed it's still possible that you guys could win the division... but pardon us while we take half of your starting rotation and a couple of infielders that we may use as pinch runners. Please enjoy the conversion of Malaska to starter!" (That worked. Bad example.)

When I went to see the Worcester Tornados I was surprised to see that a lot of the players were local folks. I was also a little pissed that I bought some of the more expensive seats for no reason... the damn park is so small it's not even worth it. It's like when you pay for top tier seats and find out you're just one row in front of the cheapies!

I am delighted and intrigued by the shoddy Red Sox spring performance. I think there's something neat about a hapless, hopeless team stumbling through a season. Like Cla Meredith having the worst possible experience ever in a major league debut, what can you do but groan and laugh and know things can only get better? I'd be a great Tigers fan!

I'm going to start describing this blog as "visceral". It sounds so much better than "poorly planned and haphazard".

The Morning After

Mound of Pain

As much as I maligned Bronson Arroyo, I derive no joy from his exit. Although it is so awful that it borders on hilarious, I feel a little bad for that skinny bitch. Boston was his world! He was buying an apartment! (cough*divorce*cough)

My sister Lucky called me at work last night and she was fabbagasted when I told her the news.

One good thing to come out of this: perhaps Mister B. will be inspired to write some actual songs. Lucky suggested the post title as a good one. How about... Thrown a Curveball? 61 Tears? Crying in the Bullpen? Lenny, Don't Lose That Number?

I'm sorry. I do think he kinda got a raw deal. The Reds. Oh my god.

PS Haven't been around lately because I've been in Massachusetts for most of my waking life. It's unhealthy and ungodly and I swear I'll do better once I disengage myself from the shackles of salaried labor.

If They Mated

I have been unable to see a single game of the WBC. I did have a random dream about Adam Stern BEFORE his ITPHR, but it was not particularly prophetic.

One more thing:


Joe Rogan

plus



Adam Sandler

equals



Our Mister Canada

Keith Foulke, you're my hero.

Sometimes I watch relievers and I think, how can they do this? What kind of freakish mental composition do they have? Because just watching it sometimes gets me all fetal.

I heard Alan Embree say once, "I like it when it's messy." He's also only happy when it rains.

Other times I watch guys like Mike Timlin and Keith Foulke and they look so big and fearless that I kind of almost get it. Mike Timlin who paces in the dugout between innings like a zoo tiger, even in spring training. And Foulkey, who half of the Red Sox fans are probably DYING to see fail.

I remember Foulke getting signed. I was on the way home from Christmas at Fenway and my first look at Schilling when they announced it on the radio. A couple of days later, I heard K.F. refer to his obligatory jersey-donning press conference as a "dog and pony show". I kinda liked that.

I also kinda liked it when he pitched 218 innings in the 2004 post-season. I liked that even when he threw strikes, he'd turn around and say, "Fucking STUPID!" to himself. En fuego! Foulke was not an attractive man but damn, was he hot. For a redneck.

And then, 2005. One of the most horrible things I've ever seen in baseball was Foulke trying to close a game in Texas and giving up hits and pegging Soriano and just coming unglued... wow. Boston soon found out what a bitter, bitter bitch Foulke could be. I thought it was great. God knows that round come noon on Friday, I was tuned into WEEI for the Keith Foulke Show. It was such a break from the usual boring bullshit you hear from MLB'ers.

I'm not optimistic about Keith F's abilities this year, but I do want him to succeed. I'm gonna make a bookmark for him that says "You will be happy".

3.02.06 Cubs v. Oakland A's (HoHoKam, Mesa)

I just wanna preface this by saying I LOVE domestic beer and I occasionally drink it out of a can.

The service staff at HoHoKam all wear these tragic bolo ties with angular chunks of plastic turquoise and they charge 5 bucks for parking. I saw some crazy scalpers as I turned into the park and I got a little nervous because.. okay, you're gonna laugh...I'd forgotten my Cubs tickets. And it was starting to dawn on me that this was their FIRST EVER SPRING TRAINING HOME GAME of the year.

The ticket window woman was thoroughly disgusted by my absent-mindedness but reprinted the tix for me anyway. I started seeing the little old ladies with their weird, homemade Cubs hats and Cubs seat cushions and hardy midwesterners in their jerseys and tees and with the banners and pom poms and the dirty caps and garsh, I guess I didn't fully anticipate the Chicago-ness in the middle of the desert. I may have been the only A's fan present.

Here's who pitched for the Cubs: Zambrano! Then Dempster! Then a lot of guys I've never heard of before, 'cept for Bobby "Bob" Howry, who has a habit of suddenly appearing in some AL Central team's bullpen and reminding me that he exists.

Danny "Dan" Haren started for Oakland. Also pitching: Saarloos, Street, and Witosek. And some other guys. Haren got roughed up and the Cubs led by 5 runs but then Oakland came back against the hapless... I'm guessing Khoury, although I don't even know if that's how you spell his name. His number was 99, so.

And here's the thing. I know it's spring training and they probably levy fines against overzealous High-A kids who tie up the game in the 9th, but I have never seen a play so blatantly botched in order to end the game. Oakland had an out at home to end the inning, but instead the infielder looked that way, spun around, and tried for the runner on the way to 3rd. Um, no. Of course the Cubs runner crossed the plate and got the winning run in and everybody left the field for showers and strippers or whatever those jockos do.

Player Notes: Uncle Todd Walker! Unproductive at the plate, but, hey! Todd Walker!

Huston Street signed a lotta lotta autographs. He also had way too many activist ribbon pins on his warmup pullover.

Felix Pie came into the game in the 8th and POW! Hits a triple. Like that! It was so cool...

Witosek and Ron Flores apparantly walked out the front door like I did. Flores didn't even bother changing out of his uniform, except shoes-wise. He carried his cleats in his hand and no one even noticed a couple of A's pitchers just kind of moseying through the parking lot.

Concessions: Lucky best hot dog toppings. Jalapenos, sauerkraut, onions... lovely. I bought an "Old Style" beer from the vendor because it looked so so classic. He gave me his card because he is a famous beer vendor. Okay. Is that what they drink at Wrigley? Old Style?

I love Trot Nixon and I would just die if he left. I proclaim this to be The Year of Trot. For me.

Whither Mike Cubbage?

Excuse me, but I am watching my first ST game of the year and Remy is already making me laugh by asking DO if he knows who "Kojo" is.

I was thinking about writing extensively about each game I attended in Arizona but I don't think I want to do that. I was planning on taking copious notes and assiduously scoring each game but it's really freaking hard when all you wanna do is sit in the sun and drink beer and admire, admire, admire.

A few people have asked me if I liked Cactus League better than Grapefruit League. I don't know, they're different. Cactus League seems more.. cohesive. Like you read the sports section and every day there're charts, graphs, and updates on every single team and directions to all the parks.

In Florida, the other teams get a passing mention, possibly a box score.

Sean McAdam had a really nice article on Gabe Kapler. I'm not just saying that because of my ardent, unrequited love for S.A. I should link to it, but you've probably read it already.

It's coming. Oh yes.

I know you're out there, you're just out of sight.

Oh my god!

I have so much I want to post now but I can't, I have to go to work, and how bad do I want to skip it because there's some prelim BP today and tomorrow and I have to work all weekend? And the sun is out?

Why can't I be unemployed? Christ. I just got back from vacation and I hate work more than ever.

Oh my GOD!!!

I've been here for years?

Okay, I'm back now. Man, this team looks horseshit.

I couldn't glean much information considering I had no TV, no radio, no phone, but here's what I got out there:

Kirby Puckett. Pokey Reese flakes off, gets canned. Manny showed up.

And then I get back and I'd say the funniest thing that happened was Flaherty bailing out. I can't blame him. The man just couldn't handle the dancer.

One quick thing: seeing Doug Mirabelli in a Padres uniform was much harder than I thought it would be. I don't know, I just loved Mirabelli.

Manny dice "en Toronto"

Will Carroll says the BJ's are NO THREAT in spite of their noteworthy upgrades. He also says RBIs are worthless statistics, but they are included in Baseball Prospectus '06 due to popular demand.

I swear that's all for tonight.

we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life

I was listening to sports radio today at work (not EEI) and for some reason, the topic was America's waning interest in baseball. Like everything else, I have various unpopular opinions about the reasons why, but I won't get into them. The guys on the radio (Providence) talked about choosing teams while on the bus ride home from school and playing til it was dark or suppertime and the furor and fever of it all.

I never played baseball as a kid. My sole experiences with a bat and glove were the occasional foray into gym class softball and I don't really remember "getting on base" or "catching the ball".

Last year, for reasons I can't recall, my sister and I went and bought a Louisvile slugger and invented a crude baseball-type game called "Texas Ten-Pitch". Something about flinging a ball around after supper caught on with various hangabouts and people started getting their gloves out. I soon came to the conclusion that I threw like a girl. This revelation was aided by my friends and family pointing out that I was not throwing the ball properly. So in a way, ridicule and derision helped me greatly.

Then one day my friend Kayla said, "We should play baseball." And a small number of us would go out to an empty field and do basic drills: hitting, fielding, pitching, etc. Not enough of us to form teams or anything, but damn. It was good stuff.

And so we spread the word. More and more people started showing up. Gloves were dusted off. Bruises were proudly displayed. We were able to do split squad games. Positions were assigned, shifts were put on, post-game margaritas were consumed. On a couple of occasions, we had opponents.

There was something SO GOOD about changing into shorts, sneakers, and a t-shirt in the bathroom at work and hauling ass down to the field to get a little warm-up time in. And you know what? I have NO BUSINESS playing baseball. Ask anyone. I'm pathetic.

But there we were, a bunch of adults with various levels of ability prancing around on Tuesdays and Fridays until it got too dark to see the ball. And we were so into it. Our ranks fluctuated and eventually died out completely, but we played as long as we could.

I don't know when we're starting up again, and we're down a few members, but spring's coming (I think) and I can't wait.

So as far as baseball's waning popularity... I'm sorry, I was too busy turning this conversation back to myself. Kids like basketball now. The End.

stop, drop, kaboom

Almost every morning on the way to work, I stop at the newspaper box to pick up the ProJo. Mainly because of my most secret, hidden love for Sean McAdam.

Recently something changed. The newspaper box no longer takes nickels. You have no idea how irrationally angry this makes me. It's either five dimes or two quarters now. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH NICKELS? How could they do this? It's hard enough to scrape up fifty cents in change every morning, let alone trying to do it with a no-nickel handicap. Do I blame the Journal for this? That is some fucked up, repugnant shit! That is a FALSITY!!!

By the way... tomorrow. Yeah.

Arrivederci, Petagine?

Roberto Petagine DFA'd. Word on the street is that he'll probably go back to Japan and climb back into his megastar saddle. I'd like to see him as a spring training invitee, not necessarily for Boston. Boston very seldom does what I want them to do, which is why they won't win the division OR the wild card this year.

What do I say? RP got a raw deal, thanks to a surfeit of first baseman and bench trash. Plus he was so much more worldly than those other kids in Pawtucket. He was definitely one of my favorite AAA guys. I even made my own Petagine t-shirt!

One last thing: The Great Petagine was originally put on the 40-man roster after Manny's collision with... with... oh my god, who was it? Renteria? Anyhoo, Manny had blurred vision for a while and couldn't play.

I'm off like Santino's lingerie!

Peter Frechette smells like teen spirit.

Everybody has that dirty little movie they secretly love. For many, it's Dirty Dancing. For others, it's Die Hard / Bloodsport / Rambo.

None for me, thanks. MY movie is Grease 2. The summer I turned 11, HBO was playing this movie (along with Poltergeist and If You Could See What I Hear) all the freaking time and I ATE IT UP! This was my high school fantasy, what with the boyfriends and satin jackets and the makeup and the bowling and the motorcycles. Has Michelle Pfieffer ever looked more gorgeous? Was Maxwell Caulfield ever more hot, tone deaf, and pouty? And who were those no-name "teenagers" fleshing out the cast, anyway? Adrian Zmed? Maureen Teefy? CHRISTOPHER MCDONALD??

But hang on a sec. Peter Frechette. Who is this guy? Yeah, he played the lanky, practically illiterate horndog T-Bird Louis DiMucci with aplomb, but who cares, right?

Look him up on IMDb.com and check out his resume. A few guest appearances on Law & Order, other small parts... and, whoa! PF is my homeboy! Warwick, RI?! REPRESENT!!

And it only gets better. Look at the production credits and you'll see "Still We Believe: The Boston Red Sox Movie". Circle of life, baby! I don't remember being this bowled over by coincidence since my Squiggy experience.

So in summation, I say, here's to you, Mr. Frechette. Next time I hoist a Gansett it'll be in your honor.

The feeling is Glorious.

What a day! Eliza J. and I decided to go picnicking in our Sunday dresses... we sat under the willows with our bicycles in close sight and ate teacakes and berries. Our modest conversational murmurs were interrupted only by the distant sounds of box turtles and the soft thump of falling crabapples.

Okay, not really. I'm suspended in the suburbs thanks to the relentless yet oddly belgian-lace delicate snowfall. I heard it was also cold outside. I don't know. I'm going to go outside and shovel or walk dogs or something before I turn into a flabby pile of entropic compost.

I miss baseball.

The Kinks sing "Days"

"Thank you for the days,
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me.
I'm thinking of the days,
I won't forget a single day, believe me.

I bless the light,
I bless the light that lights on you believe me.
And though you're gone,
You're with me every single day, believe me.

Days I'll remember all my life,
Days when you can't see wrong from right.
You took my life,
But then I knew that very soon you'd leave me,
But it's all right,
Now I'm not frightened of this world, believe me.

I wish today could be tomorrow,
The night is dark,
It just brings sorrow anyway."

Heard this song on the way to work today and I got a little emotional. The most embarassing thing about that is how I mentally applied the lyrics and sentiment to the Red Sox.

"Gabe Kapler, will you sign my copy of Valley of the Dolls?"

Alright.

I don't know about you, but at work I'm that one person who is / was Red Sox and baseball obsessed. So I get a lot of, "So, JS, what do you think about Theo? Manny? The new guy, what's-his-name? Are you going to spring training? Are you going to a lot of games?"

Thus far, my answer has been, "I don't know, I don't care, I'm a Devil Rays fan, I only like minor league baseball now." Stuff like that.

Lately, some of my co-workers have been telling me they're getting excited. And guess what? As of 1.31.06, I am getting excited, too. I think it had a lot to do with squeezing Alex Gonzalez into the infield like caulk from a gun. Some of it is also due to getting a pair of seats for the home opener. And hearing news of spring training invitees... Enrique Wilson? I love it!


I am just a big puddle of melted resolve. ON.

"Is that an earthquake? No, it's Rrrramon!"

I just love Ramon Hernandez! Don't you?

Hell, yeah! He's an Oriole now, too. (4 years, $27.5 million) I absolutely believe he is going to have a great year. Think about it: Petco is NOT a hitter's park. I know this because everyone is really mad about the freaking fences.

Loved him on the A's... he caught Mulder and Hudson and Zito in his Cy Young year. I remember seeing Nomar kiss him on the lips as he crossed home plate (running out a long fly). Nomar was crossing home plate, I mean.

And some meaningless '05 statistics:
.290, .322 OBP, 58 RBI, 12 HR

Imagine if we had Hernandez instead of Varitek?

Other things:
Ramon and Miguel Tejada are godfathers to each others' children.

That's all I have for "Other things". But I will say this: Last year when I went to Camden Yards we had breakfast at this place called Burke's. I don't remember the food but the guy that works there? Looked exactly like Harry Caray. Glasses and everything. And it was a fly establishment.

PS Would like to mention one more thing about Oakland: If one were to rank the major league teams in order of hotness... yeah.