5.25.2011

Now it's Kris Johnson's turn to take a vacation!

I just spent a few days in Toledo and one night in Cleveland and so forth. I won't bore you with the details... No, hang on, I WILL bore you with the details! I'll slowly leak them out over the summer! You're dealing with a real maniac, here, so buckle your safety belt!

I'll only say one thing and that is Mud Hens fan Nancy hooked me up strong, was a fantastic host and super lady. It was a thrilling, alcohol-free vacation in which no sinning of any kind occurred in the Great Lakes region. Probably more than any of you weirdos could handle.

I did not find out until I got home that Kris Johnson was released. On May 14th I said: "Kris Johnson is starting for the Red Sox. Oh, this should be good. Could this be Johnson's last chance?" That start turned out to be against the Yankees and Johnson did poorly.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and I said that I did not hate anyone on the Pawtucket Red Sox. He rightfully pointed out that I hated Kris Johnson. Let's take a look back!

Things I said about Kris Johnson:
1. "In the eighth inning, lefty Kris Johnson took over. Please note that I am gunning for an even, measured tone when I talk about his relief outing." - May, 2011
2. "Good work, everybody. Not you, Kris Johnson." - May 2011
3. "Kris Johnson threw 66 pitches through 2 1/3 innings and now his ERA is 23.14. That kind of job failure often leads to impotence and divorce." - APR 2011
4. "Kris Johnson's starting today and the small, mean, petty part of me I cannot suppress is hoping he goes down in flames. Super sexy righty Dillon Gee should have no problem making Johnson look like dogmeat." - APR 2011
5. "If Kris Johnson had gone 16-7 or cut his walk rate in half, would I have hated his stupid gangsta hat less?" - OCT 2010
6. "Kris Johnson? He sucked and I hated him, but was he any worse than, say, Abe Alvarez? Yes, because Alvarez never would have worn such a stupid hat." - SEP 2010
7. "But none of that is as important as blaming everything on Kris Johnson. Five runs on seven hits in four innings, Kris? Was that the best you could do? I think you've really let your whole family down. Especially Mom, who sacrificed so much..." - AUG 2010
8. "Oh, look, Kris Johnson's pitching tonight! They are gonna eat him alive. Is there an easy way to make a firebomb out of an Ellsbury bobblehead using common household materials?" - JULY 2010
9. "If they do the thing where they're like, hey, Kris Johnson, we're thinking of converting you into a reliever, that means they probably hate you and you will fail in that role and they can say they tried, they tried to find a place for you but it wasn't working out... This is no longer a sentence, really, but it's a familiar scenario. It doesn't always mean they've given up on you, but in this case... I would be worried. " - July 2010
10. "Tonight! Ivan Nova, Kris Johnson. Nova could totally squish Johnson. That would be ideal, actually." JULY 2010
11. "Kris Johnson threw 95 pitches in five innings. That's total hangover pitching." - JUNE 2010
12. "Looks like Kris Johnson sucks at relieving just as much as he sucks at starting." - APR 2010
13. "But I don't care, I still love Kris Johnson and I know he is going to find himself and pitch like the future star he is!

HA! Fooled you! Kris Johnson is a bum!" - AUG 2009
14. "Johnson's been flirting with failure all year, and it finally culminated with this game. He should probably visit the DL soon." - JULY 2009
15. "Johnson's been a little punk butterfly on the mound, but maybe he'll strap it on tonight. I have my doubts." - JUNE 2009

Let the healing begin.

2 comments:

Vanessa said...

You better include a post about Kalish and how you saw him naked in the hotel jacuzzi...armssss

JS said...

Sorry. Some things are not meant for sharing. No matter how steamy.