I can't do it any better than this, you guys. Another Angel in the infield, too. And Carolyn... and Carolyn... and Carolyn.
These kids had a few problems in Pawtucket last year:
Kris Johnson (A lot of people disagree with me. They're like, hey, just look at the numbers and this advanced formula! To that I say formulas are for babies and besides, like you've ever been to Rhode Island in your life.)
Also returning: LHP Dustin Richardson (awesome), Randor Bierd (excellent), C Mark Wagner (looks like Bert from Sesame Street), Bowden, and Fernando Cabrera. And Devern Hansack, if you can believe it.
And then there's Maude: Ryan Khoury.
The Pawtucket opening day pitcher is Boof Bonser. WHY NOT JUST SHANK ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT? It's like winning a yacht made out of burritos and silver dollars, but you have to listen to Maroon 5 on an endless loop while you're out deep sea fishing.
Bonser will pitch 4 1/3 innings with 3 runs, 5 hits, 2 walks and a strikeout. I used an advanced formula to figure that out. Wait, I take that back. I don't want to be one of those jerks who scoffs at statistics... I think they're great. The truth is, they're way too advanced for someone like me. I can admit that. I'M TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND MOST BASEBALL METRICS AND MY BRAIN IS TOO LIMITED TO EVER GRASP THEIR RELEVANCE. ME LIKE STRIKEOUTS AND BEER AND TRIPLES. I tip my cap to the message board kidz and their charts and graphs. Maybe one day their spirit will enter me and I will become Allular.
Daniel Nava will bat third. Leadoff hitter will be Darnell McDonald. Dusty Brown will bat 6th. It may rain. I'm so excited.
See you tomorrow, I guess.