Ramp CHAMP! Mark Fidrych is number 26.

There once was a time when baseball players weren't interchangeable meathead jocks with crappy taste in music and an inflated sense of self-worth. At least, that's how I see it. (Not you, Abe Alvarez.)

Mark Fidrych was a right-handed pitcher who was a Pawtucket guy in 1982-83. He was 27-28 and out of the big leagues for good...

In '82, MF got 19 starts and went 6-8 with two complete games. On July 1st, he faced Columbus opposing pitcher Dave Righetti and it brought the fucking house down. Fidrych pitched the whole game to a Pawtucket win over the Clankees. And it was baseball nirvana in little Pawtucket for the record crowd at the old McCoy. AND I MISSED IT!!! (Watch the video, Rhode Island people. It will knock you out.)

1983 would be the last year of pro ball for Fidrych. He played in 12 games, started eight of them. His ERA was 9.68.

Two things:
1. Jesus Christ. Try reading this story about Fidrych's time in Pawtucket without welling up. Well done, Jim Donaldson.
2. DAMN! Check out a fan's remarkable account of their time at McCoy feat. M. Fidrych and the historic pitching match-up. Great stuff.

I have to stop, this is too hard. I imagine this will easily be the saddest mural profile I will do. Endless thanks to Lil' Rhody Dan for letting me use his superlative McCoy snaps. Pay your respects in the middle of the first base tower.

Ramp Champ #25: Jacoby Ellsbury

Jacoby Ellsbury is an outfielder who played in Pawtucket in 2007. He was 23 years old.

Through his 87 games in Pawtucket, Jerkberry batted .298 and struck out more than he walked (47 K, 32 BB). He stole 33 bases, placing him in a tie for second in the International League. He was tied with... Darnell McDonald! The dude in first stole 34, but it was in 118 games, so... Well, mathematically, Ellsbury stole .379 per game and the other dude stole .288. Which is a useless number because how do you steal less than one base but more than zero bases per game? I think I've made my point, though. I just expressed it poorly.

Oh, wait, Ellsbury rehabbed in 2010. Four games. He went 5-17. And, oh christ, the controversy.

Two things:
1.

Ohkay, first of all, I LOOOOVE Jacoby Ellsbury! He is the MOST VALUABLE PLAYER on the RED SOX. And by the way, thanks (i (heart) Jacoby Ellsbury) for the email address.

And on your home page it says you were gunna keep things up to date, which you didn't! One of your pages say he's twenty three. He's TWENTY-SIX! And on one page it says he's 186 pounds, when on another page it says he's 185.

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE THIS SITE NAME! Delete the site so I can make a site called www.jacobyellsbury.webs.com, because mine would actually keeps it's promises and keep him up to date!

- source

2. When Ellsbury rehabbed in 2010, it was on Jacoby Ellsbury Bobblehead Night. It was the first time a player appeared simultaneously with his bobblehead.

And separately, but relatedly, here are some Ellsbury quotes written by ME almost four years ago now:
1. "His mom made the best fry bread..."
2. "Jacoby Ellsbury update: Ellsbury singled, doubled, tripled, and stole a base. He also scrapes his cleats cleaner than anyone on the team."
3. "Ellsbury stole a base. Pfft. One-trick pony."
4. "Bobby Livingston pitched the first complete game shutout for Louisville in three years. Jacoby Ellsbury beat out a bunt to first in the sixth inning and then got caught in a rundown. Ellsbury eluded the tag, though. Livingston had this to say: 'Jacoby's a fast guy. When I swung the tag he juked me. I tried to dive back and put my glove in front of the bag, but he beat me to it.' Wow, juked by Ellsbury!"

Jacoby Ellsbury's in the middle of the first base tower. Paz afuera!

Ramp Champ #24: David Eckstein

David Eckstein is an infielder who played for the Pawtucket Red Sox in 2000. He was 25.

Through 119 Pawtucket games, Eckstein batted .246 with 20 doubles. He hit one lonely home run.

Two things:
1. David Eckstein is the all-time Pawtucket Hit By Pitch leader (and, evidently, the International League leader as well) with 20 in one season. Second place (10 HBP) is not even close. This is what happens when you don't drink beer.
2. Please enjoy this story about Eckstein's horrible Pawtucket slump. The hitting coach was not Arnie Beyeler... It was Gary Biagini.

David Eckstein's picture is in the middle portion of the home plate tower.

Ramp... Champ? 23: Steve Dillard

Steve Dillard is an infielder who played for the Pawtucket Red Sox in 1974 and 1975. And in 1976, but they were called the Rhode Island Red Sox at the time. The plasma center is only open on Mondays and Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Thursdays and Fridays. Saturday and Sunday they're closed.

In 1974, at age 23, Dillard exploded with a mighty crash from Double-A Bristol, playing 90 Pawtucket games. He had 89 hits, 30 for for extra bases.

The next season (75), Dildo once again split time between double and triple A. Either way, he only hit one home run all told. His OBP was only .282. He struck out a lot and must have wondered how it ever got this crazy.

Okay, 1976, I see where this is going. Light-hitting infielder. That's the sad, sad truth... The dirty lowdown! Once again, Dillard batted like .230... One home run through 34 games... 10 walks and 16 strikeouts. No wonder he was called up! Fucking Jerry Remy wannabe.

Two things:
1. Steve Dillard got consecutive hits in his first two big league at-bats in 1975. No other Boston player did that until fucking Chris Carter did in 2008. I hate Chris Carter. I hate him even more because everyone else slobbers all over him. I hate him so much. Maybe even more than I hate Tom Caron. I hate Chris Carter and everything he represents. I hate his fake affected limp, like he is some kind of sports hero. Go ahead and tell me I'm wrong and what an exceptional guy he is. That will only make me hate him more. Do you know how angry it made me when he came to the park as a visiting player and they played his old at-bat song?

To paraphrase Eric Cartman: "Well FUCK YOU, [Carter]! I hope you die! I hope you fucking die!"

2. "Steve Dillard 9/9 AWESOME guy- one of the nicest managers I've seen in recent times" (source)- Dillard has done some low-level managing in recent years.

I'm not going to bother telling you where to find Dillard. Unless you can prove to me that he is remotely interesting. You know where to find me.

Ramp Champ #22: Bo Diaz

Bo Diaz was a catcher who played for Pawtucket in 1976-77.

1976 - Diaz played in 62 Pawtucket games. He batted .248 and hit four home runs.

1977 - At age 24, Diaz played in 104 games. He played catcher in every single one of them. Diaz placed first in the International League for games caught that season. I hope you find that fascinating, because it took a lot of stats sifting to come up with that. Like, you can't just look up games played by position in a minor league season.

Two things:
1. 'The Flagrant Fan' blog has a post about catchers who don't walk very often that includes Bo Diaz. I enjoyed reading it and maybe you will, too.
2. Video of Diaz talking about setting up to call pitches and receive them and other catcher jobs.

I know my 'Two Things' entries are not really Pawtucket related, but it was slim pickins.

Bo Diaz died in 1990 at age 37 while installing a satellite on his rooftop. Wicked sad. You can check out his mural in the middle portion of the first base tower.

Bobs Rodgers and Tewksbury

I used to know this guy named TJ. He was from Connecticut.

He started taking classes in Boston and one day he was all, 'Guess who's in one of my classes?'

Bob Tewksbury. Who was doing televised sports stuff for the Red Sox and really really really seemed dorky. TJ said he was really tall and raised his hand a lot.

Well, who's the dork now? Every other pitcher in the system who struggles at some point says, "And then I had a long talk with Tewks and it really helped me."

I once saw Tewks in Pawtucket wearing a leather blazer. It made me uncomfortable.

McCoy Mural #21: Manny Delcarmen

How can you resist Manny's luscious pout? The dark, hot chocolate eyes? I'll bet the girls chase him plenty! I think I'll call him and hang up when he answers.

Manny Delcarmen is a righty reliever who pitched in 45 games from 2005-2007. I thought maybe he started a few games, but ding dong, I'm wrong. MANNY DELCARMEN DID NOT START A SINGLE GAME IN PAWTUCKET!!! Maybe I am thinking of Papelbon.

In '05, Delcarmen put up a tidy 1.29 ERA through 21 relief innings. He had two saves.

Next season, Delcarmen started off in Pawtucket, but was only there for about a month before being called up. He had 19 K's though ten games.

In 2007, Delcarmen set up deep camp in Pawtucket, pitching in 20 games. Half of them were closerish appearances. His strikeout/walk ratio was 6.24. Are you surprised? I am. Especially since he was hanging out with noted failure Craig Hansen.

And through all of that, Manny Delcarmen gave up only one home run. Remarkable.

Two things:
1. Read this story again, please, because it's terrific. RJ smacks up Delcarmen! Stinko de Mayo!
2.
Favorite food: Pizza
Favorite TV Show: Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Favorite Movie: Bad Boys 1 and 2
Favorite Musical Artist: Eminem
Favorite Video Game: baseball games
Favorite Celebrity: Will Ferrell
Favorite Hobby: candlepin bowling
Favorite City: Toronto
Favorite Sports Moment: Making my dream come true and pitching at Fenway Park for the Red Sox
Favorite Athlete: Pedro Martinez
Best Friend in Baseball: Charlie Zink and Craig Hansen

Says here that Manny Delcarmen's image is not yet a McCoy reality, so I have no location for it. Except for that little spot he has in my heart.

Yup.

Brian Daubach is number 20!

I get stupid, I mean outrageous. Brian Daubach is a first baseman who played in 103 Pawtucket games: Nine games in 1999, one game in 2001, and 93 games in 2004. 2004, hmm, why does that year stick out for me?

2004 - Daubach was signed as a free agent by Boston after he went and played for Chicago and stuff. He spent most of the season in Pawtucket and hit 21 home runs in 93 games. Daubach shared his first base time with Earl Snyder. I am atremble with nostalgia and yearning.

Daubach was second on the team that year in OPS and RBI and number one in IBB, because his power was so frightening.

Two things:
1. Daubach did not expect to be sent to Pawtucket in '04, but Boston wanted a third catcher (Andy Dominique). "I was surprised. Probably for the first time in my career it snuck up on me," Daubach said. - source
2. "Daubach was voted a half share for the 30 games that he played in 2004 before being designated for assignment on June 6 to Triple-A Pawtucket. He will get a World Series ring." - Sun Sentinal

If you want to press your boobs up against Daubach's mural, get yourself to the middle portion of the first base tower.

Hang on, Stupid.

I just reviewed my links and whoa, a lot of people have quit the biz. I had to delete about 12 blogs. My sustained excellence is not going to get me a deserved invite to Media Day in Pawtucket, though. That's okay, because I think the whole point is to talk to players and I really don't want to do that.

Well, sometimes I imagine taking a Stuttering John approach and asking a couple of meatball questions and then blasting some minor league dope with, "Which players' wife would you most like to bang?" Brendan McGair would be so jealous. I mean, more jealous.

Maybe I'll change the name of my blog to "PawSox Heavy". Is that legal?

And to all the other people I link to: Please don't stop! I know it's hard, but it's worth it in the end when you can give yourself fake awards!

This year I expect to be a strong contender for 2011 Central Falls Blogger of the Year, Best of Rhode Island's Sports Blog of the Year, Dorothy Everton Smythe Award for Excellence in Sportswriting, and the Anti-Corporate Conformist Smash the State Award for Best Subversive Take-Down of Millionaire Phony Jock Assholes.

Mike Lowell gets smashed.

A few years ago, I did a very bad thing in Lowell.

Looks like I got my come-uppance, because my bobblehead is now in a million pieces. I am so saddened by this that I held his tiny head close to my face and kissed it on the lips.

Farewell, handsomery.

McCoy Mural #19: Steve Crawford

Steve Crawford is a dandy and a big righty who did some scattered Pawtucket time in the 80's. He pitched in 49 games, mostly as a starter.

1982- Crawford is 24 and starts ten games, going 1-4. He pitched 46 innings, so, what, 4.6 innings per game? I know my gazintas. His ERA was 4.11.

1983 - Crawford's now 25 and he starts 27 games with Pawtucket, four of them complete. Crawford goes 8-11 with a 5.18 ERA.

1984 - Okay, so Crawford's not much of a starter. He pitches in seven games for Pawtucket as a reliever. Maybe he is rehabbing, who knows?

1986- Five games for Crawford, none of them interesting. He could have made tonight a wonderful thing.

Two things:
1. Screw you. You try finding two interesting things about a player that don't include anything about the majors or other minor league teams aside from Pawtucket. I have to sift through a lot of search results to find maybe one tiny nugget of information. AND FOR WHAT? Do you know how awesome this undertaking is? I do it out of the kindness of my heart, like Derek! Maybe in the year 2000 my genius and dedication will be recognized, but for now, you're probably better off reading one of the other million boring Red Sox blogs.

I am really looking forward to my next guy. Who wants to guess who it is? Hint: I'm going in alphabetical order.

Do you like the Braves, Marshon Brooks?

I really wanted to go to that game.

The off-season sucks for baseball fans who aren't very interested in other, lesser sports. Over the past few years, though, I've been hitting up Friars basketball games and it's been helpful.

So of course I had to miss Brooks' big 52 point game. And he's been my favorite all along. I wish I could thank him in person for being exciting.

This is his last year, so sucks to that. I've got my eye on Kadeem Batts, though.

Ramp Champ #18: Scott Cooper

Scott Cooper is a third baseman who played in 261 games for the Pawtucket Red Sox between 1990-91. Which is when I was there, but we didn't like date or anything. Whatever.

In 1990, at age 22, Cooper hit 12 home runs in 124 games. Somehow, this only translated into 44 RBI. I wonder where he usually played in the lineup? Imagine a website with every lineup for every game ever played in the history of OB. GALACTIC.

Cooper fared a bit better in '91, leading the team in games played (137), RBI (72), HBP (7), hits (134!), and intentional walks (11).

But wait, there's more! Cooper was second in the International League for games played that year. AND HE WAS NUMBER ONE IN INTENTIONAL WALKS! Alright, Hamilton!

Two things:
1. Scott Cooper's backup third base-iness resulted in Jeff Bagwell being traded to Houston for uninteresting reliever Larry Andersen.
2. "[Russ] Davis is a nice little upgrade on Charlie Hayes, so the Giants gain a wee bit of depth. Sadly, Davis's career doesn't look like it will significantly outlast that of the man who arguably wrecked it: Wade Boggs. I guess he and Scott Cooper can kick back over a couple of beers and kvetch on the day the Chickenkiller is elected to the Hall of Fame." - from a very old transaction report

Scott Cooper is ready and waiting for you in the middle portion of the home plate tower.

Ramp Champ #17: Cecil Cooper

Cecil Cooper is a first baseman who played for the Pawtucket Red Sox in 1971 and 1973. In '72, Cooper played for Louisville, which was the AAA team for Boston at the time. The next year, Pawtucket was triple-A. BAM, like that.

In 1971, Cooper batted .343 through 98 games. He also hit 10 home runs. Pawtucket was an Eastern League team that season.

In '73, at age 23, Cooper played in 128 games. He hit 15 home runs (team leader) and had 77 RBI (again leading the team.)

Cooper was tied for fifth in RBIs in the International League that same season. He was tied for second in doubles and held sole possession of third place in hits.

Cooper and couple of other bums have the highest all-time stolen base percentage for Pawtucket with 91.7.

Two things:
1. In September of '73, Cooper played an afternoon game in Pawtucket, drove to Yankee Stadium to join Boston, and got his first at-bat in the seventh inning.
2. Cooper and couple of other bums have the highest all-time stolen base percentage for Pawtucket with 91.7.

Cecil Cooper's mural is in the lobby of the first base tower.

Ramp Champ #16: Tony Conigliaro

Tony Conigliaro was an outfielder who played in 37 games for the Pawtucket Red Sox in 1975. He was 30 years old.

Conigliaro went 25-37 that season with three home runs and 12 RBI.

He was hit by a pitch twice.

Two things:
1. Conigliaro's last games were in Pawtucket. He went down there in June and retired in August. "He was dropping easy fly balls in the outfield," said teammate Buddy Hunter.
2. Evidently, Conigliaro and Pawtucket alumnus Nomar G. have several things in common.

Tony Conigliaro's mural is in the upper portion of the home plate tower.

Problematic spring training photo captions from the Providence paper.

Come on. At least spell the players' names correctly.

1. "Josh Reddick, gets' ready for the bat cage."

2. "Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia makes the fans happy, with autographs."

3. "Picher Jon Lester talks with teammates."

4. "Left handed pitcher, Andrew Miller stretches."

5. "Che-Hsuan Lin, and Ryan Kalish work out."

6. "Pitchers workout in the background as ball are kept in the waiting."

7. "Jason Varitek signs autograph for a happy crowd today..."

8. "Leading the pack Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Jason Varitek, and Louis Exposito, as the players walk to the field for the first workout." (Louis?)

9. "Players take turn at the batting cage."

10. "Reflection of the workout on Jason Variteck's helmet."

11. "New relief pitcher Bobby Jenks, works out as Josh Beckett is in back."

12. "Junichi Tazawa and Kyle Welland steach out."

13. "The media reflects on Josh Beckett's sunglasses." ("Maz, where have we seen sunglasses like that before? Hmmmm...")

I certainly hope it was a spastic, comma-happy intern in charge of the captions. And not... Paid. Sportswriters.

I read a book.

I am reading Doug Glanville's book. The best part about it is how he explains the logistics of being a baseball player, like what happens when you get traded. It scratches this deep, unceasing itch I have in my head... The part of my brain that can't get over the impossibility of being a professional athlete.

It would be like my boss calling me up and saying "You've been transferred to Chicago. Your flight is leaving tomorrow morning." But... WHAT. I have a house! And stuff! What about my goldfish? I don't get it! But, no... the ratio of cake... Wait! And then, what, do I have to get an apartment? How will I have time for this? Why is Curt Schilling still hanging out in Massachusetts? Do outfielders have a lot of mosquito bites? HOW DO RELIEVERS SHARE A TINY BULLPEN FOR AN ENTIRE SUMMER AND NOT KILL EACH OTHER?! How is it reasonable that some ugly modefoque like, say, 75% of all baseball players gets mad ladies?! When I get traded to a new city, where can I comfortably get a beer after work? Where can I get a coffee? WHO HAS THE BEST BURRITOS?! Do they drive to spring training so they have their car?

I think I hate my job. Who's with me? More importantly, who wants to hire me?

Ramp Champ #15: Roger Clemens

Roger Clemens is a right-handed pitcher who pitched in a total of nine games for Pawtucket, scattered through '84, '93 and '95.

In 1984, at age 21, Clemens pitched in seven Pawtucket games, going 2-3. He started six of them. Clemens gave up three home runs and 14 walks. Let's see, that was 46.2 innings so say 6.6 innings per game. Except there was one relief appearance so this is getting into advanced math territory and I don't think algebra and baseball should be dancing together. It's like trying to cage a wild animal - sure, you can do it, but wouldn't you rather run into a Kodiak while you're making a snowman instead of throwing popcorn at it at the zoo?

Roger Clemens started one game in 1993 and one in 1995. I'm sure it brought the house down.

Two things:
1. Clemens had nothing but kind words regarding the loss of Ben Mondor: "Lots of prayers and hugs out to Ben Mondor's family. I am very thankful to have met him." (via Twitter)
2. Evidently, Clemens hung out here post-game while in Pawtucket. It is no longer there. Hey, I used to go there! They certainly never broadcast this information with autographed photos on the wall.

Roger Clemens' mural is in the lobby of the first base tower.

Jim Rice is a scumbag - treats kids like shit

I found this. Enjoy.

Ramp Champ #14: Rick Burleson

Rick Burleson am, is, was, are and be a shortstoppy/second base-type character who played for Pawtucket from 1972-1974. The Pawtucket Red Sox were double-A in '72, in case your mom never told you after her late-night stripper shift.

In 72, at age 21, Burleson batted .236 through 136 games. In '73, it was .252 through 146. Burleson was 13th in the International League that year for hits, with 120. He shared that accomplishment with three other people.

Burleson's crowning achievement in 1973 was leading the entire league in games played with 146. That would be every single game that Pawtucket played that year. Perhaps he celebrated with a beer or two.

Burleson played a mere 10 games for Pawtucket in 1974, going 14 for 41.

Two things:
1. "Red Sox shortstops are cursed. Not just the current lot, either. They haven’t had a shortstop start the majority of games at SS for six years in a row since Rick Burleson. He ended his string in 1980 when they traded him (and started Glenn Hoffman instead—looking at Hoffman’s lifetime stats, perhaps someone should have made him a pitcher too.) Theo Epstein has been proven (sort of) to be a rather crappy evaluator of shortstops. I had wondered why Orlando Cabrera, despite poor quality, wasn’t in this list until I remembered they traded for him in 2004 and he didn’t catch on." - posted by "morineko" on Brew Crew Ball (NOV 2009)
2. "My undernuts are itchin'!" - This has little to do with Rick Burleson, but when else can you use the word 'undernuts'?

Rick Burleson's mural is in the lobby of the first base tower. Learn it. Know it. Live it.

Baby Chris Carter smiles with his eyes.

"I've been thinking about my pose for the Pawtucket poster thing. I should hold a bat over my shoulder! No, that's too cliche. I should pretend like I'm swinging the bat. Nah, that might block my face. How about if the bat's across my shoulders and I'm kind of hanging my arms over it? No, no, Carlos Beltran already did that. What if... What if I'm propping myself up with the bat, like all casual... No, no, I think Nomar did that. Okay, forget the bat..."

Ramp Champ #13: Ellis Burks

Tonight I have the unparalleled honor of an Ellis Burks in Pawtucket feature. Ellis, give to me your leather, take from me my lace. Could you ever love a man like him?

Ellis Burks is an outfielder who played a grand total of 17 games with the PawSox and yet he's got a poster and fuck you, we are talking about this. In 1987, at age 22, Burks batted .225 through 11 games. He did hit three home runs, though.

Burks squeezed five more Pawtucket games into his schedule in 1989 and went 3-21.

And then, 15 years later at age 39, Burks played a June game during a rehab assignment. He only reached base once after being hit by a pitch. WHO DID THAT?? Damn it, why wasn't I doing game summaries back then? Oh, right, because I was too busy fellating Boston. That was a crazy year. Who wants to talk about it with me tonight at the Beer Library?

Two things:
1. Ellis Burks was a good friend to stolen Pawtucket man Darnell McDonald many years ago, advising him to turn on the jet fuel and hustle.
2. Who is Tim Burks? "Yeah, everyone knows that Tim Burks was the outfielder on the Red Sox in 1986. Unfortunately, he vanished off the face of the earth leaving no records of his existence. Coincidentally, a fellow by the name of Ellis Burks came to the Sox in 1987 with the same stastics that poor Tim had the year prior. Why this wasn't on Unsolved Mysteries is a mystery to me." - posted by "vgp100" on Dee-Nee Forums (AUG 2003)

GAH!!!! I want this picture so bad... Just imagine it up there, leading everything off. See it for real in the first base lobby. Lovers forever, face to face.

Ramp Champ #12: Oil Can Boyd

Oil Can Boyd is a right-handed pitcher who did most of his Pawtucket time in 1983, with a handful of games in 1984 and 1987.

In '83, at the age of 23, Boyd started 17 games and finished the season with a 4.04 ERA. 3.15 SO/BB, if you will. He pitched nine complete games. I'm like a broken Shangri-La's record going, "Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no" over and over without ever getting to the "Remember!" and the finger-snapping, but NINE GAMES! Evidently, 1983 is a lot like 1883, except Boyd wears a glove and doesn't smell like whore juice.

Boyd's smattering of other games, other seasons are of no import, so I've opted not to include them here.

Two things:
1. 1983 - Boyd's 129 K's place him third on the IL's strikeout leader board.
2. Boyd has two 15 strikeout games for Pawtucket - One in '83, the other in '84. He broke the 14 K record previously held by Burke Suter. Boyd shares his record with Jin Ho Cho. Such elite company!

Oil Can Boyd's mural is tucked away in the upper turret of the third base tower. I don't think I've seen it, so I'm going to wear a black robber suit and a black robber mask and a black robber beret and break into the park to take a look. I will tiptoe exaggeratedly up the ramp, and then perhaps slink off into the night carrying a sack with a big dollar sign on it. Which is way more exciting than some stinky football game.

Ramp Champ #11: Wade Boggs

Wade Boggs is a third baseman who played for the Pawtucket Red Sox in 1980-81 from ages 22-23. As of this year, he is in the IL Hall of fame, which is located nowhere. Come on. Even Canada has a sports hall of fame. It's darling!

In 1980, Boggs batted .306 through 129 games. In '81, Boggs was the greatest player McCoy Stadium ever saw, playing in 137 games and batting .335 with a .437 OBP. He led the team in walks, doubles, hits, OPS, walks, runs, and intentional walks. Boggs' hands were never cold.

But if you insist on knowing my bliss, I will also point out that Boggs led the entire league in AVG, hits and doubles. You should have known by the tone of my voice, but you didn't listen.

Two things:
1. Wade Boggs is the motherfucker who tied the game in the 21st inning of the LONGEST GAME IN BASEBALL HISTORY.
2. In spite of being a golden god in Pawtucket in '81, Boggs was not called up.

Wade Boggs is in lobby of the first base tower. Not his portrait, it's really him. He's been waiting forever for you.

Ramp Champ #10: Todd Benzinger

Todd Benzinger is an outfielder who played for the Pawtucket Red Sox from 1985-87. His Pawtucket batting average (PBA) was .275 over that time. Damn, I should have used this stuff for the nine other guys! Too late now!

In 1985, at age 22, Benzinger played in 75 games and hit 11 home runs. He clung to that number, hitting another 11 in 1986. And then, WHAT, 13 in 1987! Through 65 games! ARE YOU FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW?

Two things:
1. "had a ball I got from a foul ball in batting practice at Riverfront Stadium in Cincy. Snuck down a few levels and got down by the Reds dugout to try and get it signed. Mariano Duncan(douchebag award recipient) keeps telling everyone to disperse in his latino accent. Todd Benzinger(Caught the winning out for the Reds in the World Series in 1990 and award winner for awesomeness) points at me and motions for the ball in my hand. I toss it down to him with a pen. He disappears down into the dugout for a few minutes, then he walks down to the bullpen. He comes back to the side of the dugout and motions for me to come down to the side of the dugout, where he gave me the ball. It had every single signature of what became the 1990 World Champion Cincinnati Reds, minus one signature, that douchebag Mariano Duncan. " - "Villiano 187" from the LOP Forums

2. Wait, did this really happen? "The Dragons were off yesterday celebrating Prince's 52nd birthday... in recognition of this special day, Dragons manager Todd Benzinger hosted a "Prince Party" at which members of the entire Dayton organization including players and front office personnel, dressed up in tiny purple clothes and jammed out to the pop star's laundry list of hit songs... the party's finest moment came when Dragons' pitching coach Tony Fossas, dressed as Appolonia, sang a roaring rendition of 'Lets Go Crazy'." - from the Reds Minor League Report, June 8th 2010.

Todd Benzinger's warrior-like mural can be found in the middle of the third base tower.

Ramp Champ #9: Gary Bennett

Gary Bennett is a catcher who played for the Pawtucket Red Sox in 1997. While his offensive numbers were weak, he only had one passed ball in 65 games.

Bennett nailed down 21% of the base stealers that year.

Two things:
1. Gary Bennett is Doug Mirabelli. The End.

I have no idea why you would want to marvel at Gary Bennett's picture, but if you're weird, you can go see it in the middle portion of the home plate tower.

Ramp Champ #8: Juan Beniquez

Juan Beniquez played for the Pawtucket Red Sox first when they were a double-A team (1970) and then in 1973. Beniquez played short, outfield, third and second. But mostly outfield and shortstop. And then outfield, 'cause he was a terrible infielder.

In 1973, at age 23, Beniquez batted .298 in 131 games. He hit 13 home runs nad led the team in runs with 80. This run total placed him fourth in the IL.

Two things:
1. Steal second? Don't mind if I do, said Beniquez. He was second place in the IL for stolen bases in 1973.
2. Probably most shocking of all is that Beniquez won the IL batting title in '73 with his .298 average.

Juan Beniquez' stately portrait is located in the middle portion of the third base tower.

ends and odds

Mercy! It's certainly a challenge writing about these Pawtucket stars and focusing only on their time in the minors. What about the highs, lows, 'roids and Mets?

At any rate, my Hot Stove Party post was kind of breezy. Here we have for you some other stuff on a Turkish crouton with hearts of palm:

1. Robert Coello believes the PawSox will definitely improve.
2. Jason Rice feels that Arnie Beyeler will put the best lineup out there to try and win a ballgame.
3. Stephen Fife believes that Beyeler does a 'world famous job' at third base. I'm assuming it's an in-joke and Arnie waves 'em in a little too frequently.
4. When asked which player they would like to strike out the most, the pitchers responded thusly: Rice - A-Rod. Fife - Mark Texiera. And Coello - Also Rodriguez. HA!
5. More on Rice: He says if he were ever called into the office for a promotion, he might faint. And in further proof that I am older than dogshit, his favorite player growing up was Frankie Rodriguez. I mean, come on. You're gonna give an old lady a heart attack.

One more thing: Some lady asked whatever happened to 'Brad' Anderson. At first I thought she meant 'Brian', and I was like... What? Who cares?

But she meant Lars. Yeah, whatever happened to that guy? Oh, he's backpacking in Puerto Rico with Brian Barton or something. I thought it was funny, like the guys on the team cease to exist once the season's over. I mean, it's like seeing your math teacher at the supermarket. NO ONE SHOULD EXIST OUTSIDE THEIR WORKPLACE.

I try to imagine a baseball player in, say, December, and all I can picture is them working out or playing video games. You cannot convince me of any off-season relevance.

After the Hot Stove party, I went to the Friars' basketball game. Got there wicked early because they were giving out Tuber Toys at the gate and I WANTED ONE SO FUCKING BAD. And guess what? Tamburro and Schwechheimer were there, too! Imagine!

That was a great game. Marshon Brooks lights up my off-season.

Ramp Champ #7: Marty Barrett

Marty Barrett is a second baseman who played for Pawtucket in 1981-1983. In 1989, Barrett returned to Pawtucket to play in 11 games.

In 1981, Barrett's OBP was a measly .327 and he only hit one home run. '82 was a far finer year for MB, as he played in 131 games, was fifth in the IL for doubles with 27, ninth for hits, and tenth in the league for walks with 73.

Barrett was a bunting pro and he was fourth in the IL for sac hits in '82. He may have been the most patient hitter in PawSox history. He never struck out! Figuratively!

Two things:
1. Barrett scored the winning run when the LONGEST GAME IN BASEBALL HISTORY was concluded in June of 1981. "With just 19 of the aboriginal 2,000 admirers blockage back, the bold was suspended. 65 canicule later, red wings came to Pawtucket and the bold resumed. In the basal of the 33rd inning, Dave coza hit a anemic individual to the larboard field, acceptance Marty Barrett to appear in to home bowl for the bold acceptable run." - source
2. Barrett came to McCoy for the 20th Anniv. of this game. I was at the 25th but all I remember is Wade Boggs hamming it up at third base. I mean, really.

Okay, I just looked it up and Barrett was there. I always overlook the important stuff!

Marty Barrett's wonderful likeness can be found in the lobby of the first base tower.

Ramp Champ #6: It's all over, Cory Bailey.

Philip Cory Bailey is a sexy bitch and a righty reliever who pitched for Pawtucket in 93-94. I don't want to talk about his WHIP. If you care so much, then go look it up. And, hey, it was his birthday yesterday!

In 1993, Bailey pitched in 52 games, putting him in 8th place in the IL. He appeared in one extra game in '94, putting him in tenth place in the IL.

Team-wise, only DON FLORENCE pitched in more PawSox games than Bailey during his two-season tenure. Oh, that crazy DON FLORENCE!

Two things:
1. Spring training, 1993. Cory Bailey and Frank Viola combined to pitch a no-hitter v the Phillies. No link, just trust me.
2. They named a goddamned street after Cory Bailey in his hometown of Marion, IL.

Oooooh! This isn't Pawtucket related, but it is interesting. In 2008, Cory Bailey was playing baseball in Taiwan but got suspended for match fixing! Other players, bookies, a manager and coach were involved. SCANDALOUS! And yet, his mural which is located in the middle portion of the home plate tower still stands.

What am I going to do, Bronson?

Fucking A. I had a great idea for my Bronson Arroyo post, but I can't find a box score for his perfect game so I will shelve it for now.

Meantime, here's an archival-type story about Arroyo and his (ex?) wife that makes little sense to me. I'll skip ahead to Cory Bailey, I guess, and head over to the bar. I mean, library.

Ramp Champ #5: Luis Aponte

Luis Aponte is a righty reliever who pitched for Pawtucket in 1980-81. He was 27-28 at the time. Ish.

In 1980, Aponte appeared in 31 games and put up a 2.20 ERA. His WHIP was 0.980. In 1981, Aponte pitched in 51 games, INCLUDING THE LONGEST BASEBALL GAME IN THE GALAXY!!!!!!!!!!!

In the aforementioned match, Aponte pitched the seventh through the tenth innings. He finished '81 with a 1.94 ERA (placing him seventh in the IL)and a 1.127 WHIP.

Luis Aponte is also the guy whose wife would not let him in the house after the Longest Game because she did not believe he was at the ballpark. He had to sleep in the clubhouse.

Two things:
1. 2010 PawSox great Niuman Romero was signed to his first pro contract in 2002 by fellow Venezuelan Luis Aponte!
2. Last year, Aponte was inducted into the Venezuelan Baseball Hall of Fame. Geez, what took them so long?

Luis Aponte's likeness can be found in the middle portion of the first base tower. Do not look directly at it.

Ramp Champ #4: Brady Anderson

Brady Anderson was an outfielder who played for Pawtucket in 1987-88 from age 23-24. In 1987, Anderson batted .380 in 23 games. His OBP was .484.

In 1988, Anderson batted .287 in 49 games, placing him 11th overall in the IL. All told, in his time in Pawtucket, he hit only 6 home runs.

What an innocent time for Brady!

Two things:
1. “Brady Anderson was the best center fielder that I ever had when I was managing at Pawtucket,” said Rox coach Ed Nottle. - The Enterprise
2. In '88, Baseball America picked Anderson as the top rookie prospect in the AL East.

Brady Anderson's trim, uninteresting physique is located in the upper portion of the first base tower.

2011 Pawtucket Red Sox Hot Stove Party

Within minutes of arriving (EARLY ENTRY PASS, SUCKAS!!!), I had a new favorite Red Sox player and it was Jason Rice. YOU ARE ALL GOING TO LOVE THIS MAN AND BRING HIM TRINKETS AND BAUBLES.

It wasn't bad, but I was fiending for C8H10N4O2 and had to dash. Plus I needed to pick up some basketball tickets for Providence (MARSHON!!)

I'm sure most of you know that Stephen Fife went to a Very Prestigious New England School. During the Q&A he mentioned that baseball teams at schools like his are not generally as good as schools that "let anyone in". Oh, thanks, asshole. I went to community college and I have this remarkable blog and you're still playing baseball! Who's laughing now?

HYDER AND WANLESS!!!!!!

Edit: Sorry, my annoyance should be directed toward Lavarnway, not Fife. Damn, you can't take me anywhere!

Ramp Champ #3: Gary Allenson

Catcher Gary Allenson played in Pawtucket in 1977 and 1978. In '77, Allenson only played in three games. In '78, he played in 133 games, which is a lot for a catcher. That same year, Allenson played 13 games at first. So that was helpful, GARY.

Pawtucket's 1978 record was 81-59, so looks like Allenson only sat for seven games. What is he, some kind of tough guy? Well, he was IL MVP that year. He also finished the year with the highest AVG (.299) and OPS (.913). Allenson came in first on the team for doubles and hits, second place for home runs, walks and RBI. He was only 23 years old. I WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS GUY.

Allenson's a coach in Baltimore now, but over the past few years he's returned to McCoy as manager of the AAA Norfolk Tides. So I'm sure he knows where to get the best omelets and burritos and so forth.

Two things:
1. In 1978, Allenson was tied for second in the International League in doubles.
2. "Hey, Gary! New York Times Magazine, Gary!"

Gary Allenson's majestic likeness is located in the upper portion of the first base tower.

Ramp Champ #2: Luis Aguayo

Luis Aguayo is an infielder who played in Pawtucket in 1991 and 1992. He was 32-33.

In 1991, Aguayo played mostly second and short. He played in 65 games, batting .284 with 37 RBI. Aguayo hit 9 home runs that year.

Aguayo's only position in Pawtucket in '92 was third base. He batted .255 in 80 games.

Two things:
1. From 93-95, Aguayo was a hitting coach in Pawtucket.
2. In 1992, Aguayo led the Pawtucket Red Sox in HBP. He was pegged 7 times.

Luis Aguayo's mural can be found in the upper portion of the home plate tower. It exudes musk and adequacy.

Ramp Champ #1 : Don Aase

Much like Aardvark Divorce Lawyers and AAAA Locksmiths, Aase comes first in almost everything.

Don Aase is a right-handed pitcher who first came to Pawtucket in 1975. He was 20 years old. Pawtucket absolutely sucked that year, finishing with a 53-87 record.

In '75, Aase started 29 games, seven of them COMPLETE. What a time it was! His record was 8-13 with a 3.63 ERA. That same year, he hit 2 home runs in 49 at-bats. That's nice, but he struck out 26 times. What did you expect?

1977 was Aase's final Pawtucket year. He started 18 games and went 6-6 with a 5.04 ERA. Good enough for the big club, I guess, because Boston busted him free of Pawtucket that year.

Two things:
1. In 1975, Aase was second in the International League for innings pitched, with 186.
2. In 1977, Pawtucket won the IL Championship! In 2002, not only was it Ben Mondor's 25th anniversary as the team's owner, but it was also the 25th anniversary of that championship. There was a July on-field celebration and Aase was present. Whatever, just read Joe Kuras' superlative rundown of the events.

Aase's portrait is in the upper third base tower.

I will be nicer and exercise more.

So I was flipping through the Red Sox 2010 program and I noticed an alphabetized list of all the Ramp Champ portraits, along with their coded locations. At first it looked like just filler (Imagine! A baseball program with filler!), but then an idea hit me: I WILL DO A SHORT PROFILE ON EVERY PLAYER ON THAT LIST.

It is a pointless exercise, but it's not like I've been setting my keyboard on fire with acute off-season insights and charts and graphs. And I've no one to play with today.

Oh yeah, see if you can guess how many player portraits line the walkways at McCoy. No, go ahead, put it in the comments.

There is going to be a serious meeting of the Blackstone Valley Media Club tonight. Every day, dozens of people ask how they can join the BVMC. I tell them all the same thing: You don't join. You are assimilated.

BOB ZUPCIC!!!!!!

Brian MacPherson makes my life this foolish game.

I have no idea what happened, but recently I started to read a Mark Patinkin "article" in the Providence paper. God, what was I thinking?For those of you not familiar with the guy, I'll do a typical piece:

"Women take forever to get ready! People in Rhode Island drink coffee milk! My kids think I'm square! QUAHOGS!"

Don't ever read those.

I can say it here, out loud, because this is a pretty private place. BRIAN MACPHERSON IS KILLING IT. He's way better than the Boston newspaper kidz and I mean it. You can just tell he works hard and still probably enjoys his job. A little. And he's just as likely to write about the Tug Huletts of the world as he is about the mainstream corporate conformist prospects. He's hot cause he's fly, is what I'm trying to say.

In a very tangentially related story, Steve Hyder did a "Where are they now?" type blog post about the guys on the 2004 IL All-Star team. The game was played at McCoy Stadium and I can't believe I didn't go. Hyder did this a while back and I kept meaning to mention it because I thought it was great, but like the title says... Time Flies.

My point is this: Can someone at least tell me that Zach Daeges is still alive?

Gil Velazquez all over my FACE!

How did I miss this week-old news? The Angels descended from heaven and lifted Gil Velazquez up, up in the sky.

Oh, wait, I know how I missed it! His departure was nothing more than an aside. Velazquez deserves better! He seemed like a good guy. I mean, it's easy to seem nice when you're surrounded by meatheads, but seriously. Gil Velazquez was one of my favorites. And now he's gone and I hate everything.

In a related story, former outfield disaster Chris Carter is Rays property. This means, in all likelihood, that Carter's gonna turn up at McCoy like a bad penny with the Durham Bulls. Last time this happened, they played his old at-bat song and I almost threw up. See that? I'm a small, petty person who gets all bitter when someone popular is universally adored.

Either that or I know that Carter was not the super-swell guy he made himself out to be.

Chili Davis, hitting coach! The sawhorse people must be beside themselves right now. And I totally changed my mind and I WILL be attending the PRSHSP. Mostly for the Q and A. I promise I won't get too annoyed when they bring the mike over to a kid so he can ask Jason Rice what he likes on his pizza.

I'm kidding! SHUT UP, KID, AND LET THE GROWN-UPS ASK SOME REAL QUESTIONS!!!!

No, really, I'm kidding.

I like it when I am smarter than everyone.

Recently I had occasion to use a baseball card... machine. Like those supermarket prize machines you put quarters in? And you twist it and get a bubble with, say, a google-eyed pencil topper? Or a cholo tattoo?

So this one had 2008 Red Sox cards. Fifty cents. And wouldn't you know I get the worst possible card: David Aardsma!

Okay, that was a joke. I really got a Wally card. Wally!

But my anger has completely faded because I just realized something: Mascot baseball cards are going to SKYROCKET IN VALUE. This is because no one keeps them or takes any heed to their condition. Sure, you keep your Julio Lugo card in a climate-controlled glass case, but your Phanatic card? Who even knows where that went?

I know you want to make me an offer on my Wally card.

dirk

I guess the only thing I can say is I'll promise to keep rockin' and rollin'...and making better posts.

It seems we make these blogs, and sometimes, you know... they're considered filthy
or something by some people... but I don't think that's true.

These blogs we make, they can be better. They can help. They really can. I mean that.

We can always do better. I'm going to keep trying if you guys keep trying.

Let's keep rockin' and rollin', man.

Matt Macri thinks you're an idiot for locking your keys in the car.

I always considered Matt Macri an honorary PawSox player. Like the fifth Beatle or something. God knows he deserved his own parking spot at McCoy, not like that felonious tramp Mike Gwynn!

The Rockies have snapped Macri up and out of the IL. I am inconsolable. It is certain that Gil Velazquez is similarly distraught. Here's a text: "Hey jen you think u can make it??"

Oh yeah, they also signed 2010 Pawtucket great Tug Hulett. What can I say?

Speaking of Bobby Jenks, I read on an Esteemed Red Sox Message Board that some people are concerned about Bobby Jenks' alleged racism. To which I say, How fucking stupid are you people? Do you not realize that half of your favorite Southern players are redneck assholes? Yeah, Bobby Jenks is that one racist guy who plays baseball. Just him. Have you ever been to a baseball game in your life? Just look in the dugout and you'll see that all the white guys clump together on the bench. It's fucking disgusting, is what it is.

On a lighter note, I have carefully examined the 2011 Red Sox schedule and I have deduced the city I'll be passing my super secret triple-A vacation in. I can't wait. I think.

I love you.

And another thing!

Please bring me some Jason Mraz, Nickelback, and B.E.P. Cds and then we can go down to McCoy and blow them up in the parking lot and celebrate with some beer I am going to make with my own two hands! ED SLOTA I KNOW YOU HEAR ME!!

Disco Demolition: A Digression

I was watching the baseball channel last night and saw some clips of Disco Demolition night in Chicago. Although the night devolved into an orgy of violence and bonfires and very naughty behaviour, I can't help but wonder: Where is the outrage over shitty music anymore?

I don't have a beef with disco. I like disco, although mostly for nostalgic reasons. Donna Summer was a goddess, people. But at the time, it was so pervasive and invasive that real Aerosmith-rocker types got fed up and pissed off about it. And they wore t-shirts that said 'DISCO SUCKS'. Imagine! Where's my t-shirt that says 'CLUB MUSIC SUCKS'? HANG THE DJ!!!

Recently, I was flipping through a formerly esteemed 'rock' magazine and reading its record reviews. And the B***k E*** P*** new release got THREE STARS!!! WHO THE? WHAT THE? I'm so disgusted at the constant lowering of musical standards. Like the lady who dresses like Elton John! I mean, she's cute and everything but her music's the same thing as Ace of Bass! AND PEOPLE LOVE HER!!

I'm not a music snob at all, but I have to draw the line somewhere!!! People are just way too complacent about what's on the radio, the absence of a true-blue DJ, the over-and-over assaults by acts like TS and her guitar, the Canadian lady with the blue wig, Akorn, the girly fake-ska fashion blonde, the talentless 'rapper' from Detroit, the Barbados woman with the legs, and Crapbox 30.

Isn't music supposed to be exciting? Like that Rancid song! WHEN I GOT THE MUSIC, I GOTTA PLACE TO GO! I doubt he was singing about Maroon 5 or Nickelcrap. How about you come over my house with some records... or CDs... whatever. And all that wispy, cutesy pop in the MP3 player ads. Let's blow some shit up! Smash the state!

GO PAWSOX!!!

I'll do Jason Bergmann.

I've got the time and I've got the beer, so let's get to know Jason Bergmann. You know, so I don't hate him without facts to back it up.

Earlier this month, Boston signed Bergmann to a minor league deal. Bergmann was a frequent visitor to McCoy Stadium (And McCoy has certainly had its share of visitors) with the Chiefs. I remember him well as Some IL Reliever on a Visiting Team!

Bergmann is a 29-year-old righty who was drafted 11th round by the Expos back in 2002. Feels like the Expos have been gone longer than that, doesn't it?

JB has ridden the Expos/Nats train all the way til now, so he may need some time to adjust. Although Rhode Island's almost the same thing as him home state of New Jersey, so that'll be comforting. Like a Quaalude.

No, I didn't mean it like that!
1. The Nationals released Bergmann because they were going in a different direction. You know who needs to go in a different direction? The Dropkick Murphys!
2. Insightful comment by 'bdrube' - "It should be noted that Bergmann is the only Nats player other than Ryan Zimmerman to have played at least one game with the Ntas each of their six seasons in Washington." (from 'Nationals Locker')(ibid.)
3. After being outrighted to the minors in April 2010, Bergmann said, "I've grown up with the Nationals my whole career. Obviously, I want to play in the Major Leagues. I'm confident in my abilities and I will be back with the Nationals. If no one wanted to pick me up, that's fine. But I have a chance to go back down to Syracuse, do my best and come back up." (All Nats All the Time)
4. Ooooh, sarcastic fat guy! "Adios Jason Bergmann..I wonder when Rizzo will release a statement on his loss and how much he means to the Nats history and that he will always be part of the Nats family!???" (from commenter 'Harper_ROY_2012' on 'Nats Insider')
5. "From starter to reliever to AAA fodder, Bergmann ran the gauntlet of MLB dreams and nightmares. Inconsistent, it became obviously clear Bergmann was not going to be a mainstay, but it was baffling seeing the Nats run him out to the mound year after year as it was thought the JB Experiment was long over. Now they put the puppy to bed." (Nationals Inquisition, OCT 2010)
6. Jason Bergmann, somebody out there loves your ass.
7. Bergmann really liked Elijah Dukes. Didn't we all?
8. Manalapan!
9. Bergmann got mad this one time when he pitched poorly in DC.
10. "Bergmann made his MLB debut in late August of the Nats' inaugural season in D.C. in 2005, replacing Mike Stanton on the mound in old RFK Stadium with the bases loaded in the 8th inning of a game the Nationals trailed 3-0 to the St. Louis Cardinals. Bergmann gave up a two-run single on a 2-0 pitch to Abraham Nunez that scored two of the three runners the then-23-year-old right hander had inherited, but Bergmann got a grounder back to the mound from the next batter to record his first major league out and then he came back on in the ninth and retired the three Cardinals he faced, collecting his first 3 K's, all of them swinging. " - from 'Federal Baseball'
11. Bergmann was a hot topic in June of 2008: "Bergmann also had nine K's per nine innings over his four starts and a gaudy 5:1 strikeout-to-walk ratio"
12. Was Bergmann a Phillies killer? "He is such a scrub but current Phillies are batting .215 with an OBP of .289 vs. this bum in 135 ABs, and former Phillies also sucked against him who aren’t included on here (Burrell 5/19 w/ 0 HRs, 2 RBI, and 7 Ks and Pedro Feliz 2/10, 1 RBI, 0 XBH)" - from commenter 'Stu' on 'The Recliner GM')
13. Bergmann once took a no-hitter into the eighth. The ruiner? Brian McCann.
14. Cy Bergmann? Thoughful analysis here.
15. Bergmann used to substitute teach in the off-season.
16. "I got fired from my job today," Bergmann said. "It's the hardest thing to deal with. It's probably the worst day of my life right now." (Bergmann on being released, from the Nationals Journal)
17. Jason Bergmann = Nolan Ryan? "what the fuck is going on? how come the braves can't score on this loser? jesus christ, the fuckin 90s atlanta braves pitchin staff traveled to the future and dressed up in washington nationals uniforms to play the atlanta braves of today. unfuckingreal." - commenter 'TakeIt2DaBank' on 'The RX Forum'
18. Bergmann loves you guys.
19. Bergmann on umpires: "Developing a relationship with umpires is no different than one with any other person. If you are courteous and respectful, they will be as well. Umpires are people and are as unbiased as possible in their job. We cannot forget the human element that goes with their job and yes, they make mistakes." - Nationals Journal
20. And Bergmann's rookie hazing: "[M]y shoelaces were all cut, my gloves were missing, my pants were stuffed with crushed ice, my hat was "eye-blacked," my jersey was shrinkwrapped among other things. I ran out to the field a few minutes late wearing non-cleats, my eye-blacked hat, the glove of an infielder, my freezing pants and the such." (The such?) (ibid.)

Good news, everyone! I gotta beat it downtown. See you tomorrow? I'm starting to think we're 'going out'!

Ryan Harvey's got this dream about buying some land.

Took a quick glance at transactions as a refresher and clicked on Ryan Harvey's name. I LOL'd when I saw his picture. That certainly wasn't very nice of me.

Harvey is a tall righty from Florida who was a Cubs brat (first round!) up until a couple of years ago when Colorado... Uh, obtained him. He's an outfielder, but guess what? Big boy's converting to pitching for us New England kidz! I'm being very general, because he may spend the year in Portland for all I know, like Ray Chang. Thanks a lot, org, for keeping Chang out of Pawtucket where I wanted him. And now he's gone and he's never coming back. Unless it's with Rochester, which isn't really the same thing.

Harvey is 26. Who knows, he could wind up my Favourite. Let's get to know this bloke!

He's got that look on his face:
1. Harvey has never made it past AA.
2. In 2005, Harvey hit 24 home runs.
3. In March of 2009, the Cubs released Harvey.
4. Harvey holds the record for most homers in a Florida State League game: Four!
5. "...Harvey has not demonstrated an ability to hit a breaking ball. And Tuffy Rhodes hit 3 HR in a game off of Doc Gooden, and that was hardly a sign that he was going to be a star (at least on this continent.) Good for Ryan. I hope he has several more games like this. But he's still got "bust" written all over him. One game does not a turnaround make." - from commenter 'Josh77' on Bleed Cubbie Blue (2006)
6. Harvey could have been Russell Branyan! Imagine!
7. An early scouting report!
8. HA! "Like Dolly Parton before him, Harvey looks rather ... busty." - from Goat Riders of the Apocalypse
9. Harvey was the Cubs #3 prospect in 2004. Yes, I have seen that movie, too.
10. "Ryan Harvey clubbed a gargantuan home run over the left-centerfield fence onto 8th Street to celebrate his final game at Extended Spring Taining (EXST), leading the EXST Cubs to a 4-2 victory over the EXST Angels at Fitch Park Field #3 ..." In case you're keeping up on the scores of extended spring training games. Does anyone actually attend these games? Sober? (from the former MVN blog 'Road to Wrigley')
11. Let's go back and compare Ryan Harvey and Ryan Howard.
12. Harvey was high school teammates with Brian Dopirak. Perhaps at some point they split a pizza.
13. "He was a first round draft pick and…nevermind. He just sucks." - from Five Outs to Go
14. "And i (heart) Ryan Harvey 4 ever!!!!!!!!!!ok maybe not but bye-bye!!" - from Sarahs Kool Space
15. This one time Ryan made a great play in the outfield.
16. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!! Harvey's Daytona Cubs manager? Buddy Bailey!
17. While on the Tennessee Smokies in 2008, Harvey was teammates with Mark Holliman. You remember Holliman, right?
18. Here we have Ryan Harvey's swing with a jicama slaw with shallots and white wine, all atop a rye crostini.

In summation, hey, I doubted Sergio Santos and now look at him.

This has been the most substantial post I have done in forever.

LD tears me up.

Okay, it was cute and everything with Lenny Dinardo in 2005 and he seemed like a decent guy but I DON'T THINK IT'S VERY FUNNY BRINGING HIM BACK!!!!!! When I first heard this I was annoyed to the brink of being angry. I'm sure a lot of people find this amusing but FUCK A LOT OF PEOPLE!!!

Who's coming back next, JIMMY SERRANO?! How many five-inning starts of lefty slop am I going to have to endure?! I can't take it, I can't. Maybe if I squint I can pretend it's Barry Hertzler. And gas costs like $4.00 a gallon, a new Pope is coming, the BTK killer is finally caught, and I'm weeping into my breakfast bagel over the poor people stuck in the Superdome.

No, really, Hurricane Katrina was not funny at all.

In a related story, I hope Carl Crawford endures a rib strain of some kind and has to rehab in Rhode Island. ('Rehab in Rhode Island' ... coming up right after 'Trapped Inside My Own Legs').

What else? The sole source of sexxxy in Pawtucket, Fernando Cabrera, has been snatched up by those pervs in Oakland. They'll RiverCat him, I'm sure, so enjoy it, ladies of Sacramento. And gentlemen, too.

Rich Hill is coming back and really the only moderately cool Pawtucket game last year was one that he pitched. Furthermore, when I saw Hill at the XMAS party I was surprised to see that he is cute as hell. That sort of thing really throws me off, because what if Jeff Corsaletti was adorable all along and I just never paid attention?

I gross myself out sometimes. I have to go watch that botfly video again to shake the image.

I'm so bored without baseball. Merry Christmas.

Lars Anderson is working his way through his DVR backlog.

"Dude, Mondo was robbed."

do you have christmas in france?

I had written this whole tribute to Dusty Brown thing... Okay, I'm lying, I never finished writing it. Regardless, it was really boring and pointless so I'll just do it Emo Phillips-style and say "Thanks, Dusty!"

As far as the Pawtucket Christmas at McCoy, I don't have much to say. The Massachusetts pitchers were there and all I can wonder is how much they get paid. To prove a point of how little they pay attention to what they are signing, I wrote "I HEART SHOE SHOPPING" on Chad Paronto's jersey in the yearbook picture and he didn't even notice as he signed it.

Also, I found a nickel that day.

No new manager yet. What the hell are they waiting for?