You may not use the words "magical" or "spiritual".

Curt Schilling was bigger than Jesus Christ in '04. And so it was that I dragged myself out of bed one morning and drove to Notsob with Vee because a little bird had told me "bigDEAL bigDEAL". And that meant Schilling would be the Surprise Mystery Guest at Fenway! This was the pre-season holiday-style shindig I frequently mention.

Heading home on 93 with the heat and the radio blasting, they announced the signing of Mister Keith Foulke, who'd seemingly wavered FOREVER between Boston and Oakland. To hear him say, "I chose Boston because they gave me the most money" gave me appreciative chills.

Later, when Foulke described the 'Welcome to Boston, Please Try On Your New Jersey For the Local Media' official press conference as a 'dog and pony show', I knew I was through. And KF was real ultimate power that year, right? He was sort of an asshole but also the best closer I'd seen in way too long.

Well, he's back in the AL Central. Just don't call him a closer. He hates that. Normally this is where I'd say, "I hope I get to see him rehab on the Buffalo Bisons", but after the whole Rochester thing, I'd rather not.
If I referred to Foulke as a douche, would I be crass or vulgar? I once heard a man on the radio talking about the band Kiss's tendency to over-merchandise. He jokingly said they were putting out a Kiss douchebag. Except they bleeped out "douchebag".

Why did they do that? A douchebag is a legitimate object, last I checked. I know that no one really uses them much anymore, but what the hell? I could go to Chapel Pharmacy and ask where they kept the douchebags. Can you say "tampon" on the radio? I just think that's really weird... assigning vulgarity to a feminine product.

Come to think of it, I seriously doubt I could go to Chapel Pharmacy and ask where the douches were. I lack that sort of grace and maturity.

And K. Foulke rules. Another member of My Personal HOF (now with even lower standards!).

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